Friday's Funnies

This year, taxpayers will receive an Economic Stimulus Payment. This is a very exciting new program that I will explain using the Q and A format:

Q. What is an Economic Stimulus Payment?
A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.
Q. Where will the government get this money?
A. From taxpayers.
Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. Only a smidgen.
Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
A. The plan is that you will use the money to purchase a
high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.
Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China?
A. Shut up.

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Leroy goes to the revival and listens to the preacher. After awhile the preacher asks anyone with needs to be prayed over to come forward to the front at the altar.

Leroy gets in line, and when it's his turn, the preacher asks: 'Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?'

Leroy replies: 'Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing.'

The preacher puts one finger in Leroy's ear, and he places the other hand on top of Leroy's head and prays and prays and prays. After a few minutes, the preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks, 'Leroy, how is your hearing now?'

'I don't know, Reverend, it ain't until next Wednesday...!

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Recently, I strapped on a step counter and went for a walk with my mother.

"What's that?" she asked.

"An exercise tool that keeps track of your steps," I said. "I'm hoping it'll help me lose weight."

Clearly unconvinced, she asked, "Wouldn't it work better if it counted your bites?"

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A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons Kevin, 5, and Ryan, 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson; "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'" Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!"

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A little boy was in a relative's wedding. As he was coming down the aisle, he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd. While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar. So it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR, all the way down the aisle. As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the engaged couple. The bride leaned over and asked what the boy was doing. He proudly replied, "I'm the Ring Bear!"

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Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive double-pane energy efficient kind, and today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.

Hellloooo,...........just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves!

Helllooooo?.........It's been a year! I told him. There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up.

He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot.

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Paddy and his missus are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor's dog barking. It had been barking for hours and hours.Suddenly, Paddy jumps out of bed and says, "I've had enough of this," and goes downstairs.Paddy finally comes back up to bed and his wife says, "The dog is still barking. What have you been doing?"Paddy says, "I've put their dog in our yard - now we'll see how THEY like it!"