Sandy began a job as an elementary school counselor and she was eager to help. One day during recess she noticed a girl standing by herself on one side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of soccer at the other. Sandy approached and asked if she was all right. The girl said she was. A little while later, however, Sandy noticed the girl was in the same spot, still by herself. Approaching again, Sandy offered, "Would you like me to be your friend?" The girl hesitated, then said, "Okay," looking at the woman suspiciously. Feeling she was making progress, Sandy then asked, "Why are you standing here all alone?" "Because," the little girl said with great exasperation, "I'm the goalie!"
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The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers.
“We’re sorry, Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife,” says one trooper.
“Tell me! Tell me! Did you find her?” Wilkens shouted.
The troopers looked at each other, and finally one said, “We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?”
Fearing the worst, Mr. Wilkens said, “Give me the bad news first.”
The trooper said, “I’m sorry to tell you sir, but this morning we found your wife’s body in Kachemak Bay.”
“Oh my God!” exclaimed Wilkens. Swallowing hard, he asked, “What’s the good news?”
The trooper continued, “When we pulled her up, she had 12 25-pound king crabs and 6 good-size Dungeness crabs clinging to her.”
Mr. Wilkens demanded, “If that’s the good news, what’s the great news?”
The trooper said, “We’re going to pull her up again tomorrow.”
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Three old men were sitting around and talking.
The 80-year-old said, ‘The best thing that could happen to me would just to be able to have a good pee. I stand there for 20 minutes, and it dribbles and hurts. I have to go over and over again.’
The 85-year-old said, ‘The best thing that could happen to me is if I could have one good bowel movement. I take every kind of laxative I can get my hands on and it’s still a problem.’
Then the 90-year-old said, ‘That’s not my problem. Every morning at 6 a.m. sharp, I have a good long pee. At 6:30 a.m. sharp, I have a great bowel movement. The best thing that could happen to me would be if I could wake up before 7 a.m.’
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Two bright young engineers applied for the same position at a computer company. Since they had identical qualifications, the company asked the two applicants to take a 10-question test.
At the conclusion of the test, one of the applicants was called into the manager's office. "I have graded the test, and you both scored nine correct answers and got one answer wrong. Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the job to the other applicant."
"And why would you choose him if we both got nine questions correct?" asked the rejected applicant.
"We have based our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed," said the Department manager.
"And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?" the rejected applicant inquired.
"Simple," said the Department manager, "The other gentleman answered Question #5, 'I don't know.' Your answer to Question #5 was, 'Neither do I.'"
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Pulled Over
"Hey you! Pull over!" shouted the traffic cop. The lady complied, and the judge next day fined her twenty-five dollars. She went home in great anxiety lest her husband, who always examined her checkbook, should learn of the incident. Then inspiration struck and she marked the check stub, "One pullover, $25."
The Blonde And The Voice
A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the ice. After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed, 'THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.' Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a drink from her thermos of cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole. Again from the heavens the voice bellowed, 'THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.' The blonde, now worried, moved away, clear down to the opposite end of the ice. She set up her stool once more and tried again to cut a hole. The voice came once more, 'THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.' She stopped, looked skyward, and said, ' Is that you, Lord? ' The voice replied, 'NO, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE HOCKEY RINK.'
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