Friday's Funnies

"Best of friends"

The patient shook his doctor's hand in gratitude and remarked, "Since we're the best of friends, doc, I wouldn't want to insult you by offering payment. But, you'll be pleased to know that I've mentioned you in my will."

"That's very kind of you," replied the doctor.

After some quick thought, the doctor added, "May I see that prescription I just gave you?"

"Sure, but why?" asked the patient.

The doctor replied, "I'd like to make a small change..."

+++++

"Exercise insights"

It is well documented that for every mile that you jog, you add one minute to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month.

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we don't know where she is!

I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.

I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

I don't exercise at all. If God meant for us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up on our body.

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"Cats for sale"

A famous art collector is walking through the city when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store and he does a double-take. He recognizes that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable, so he walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for two dollars.

The store owner replies "I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for sale.

The collector says "Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I'll pay you twenty dollars for that cat."

And the owner says "Sold," and hands over the cat.

The collector continues, "Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat's used to it and it'll save me from having to get a dish."

And the owner says, "Sorry buddy, but that's my lucky saucer. So far this week I've sold 68 cats."

+++++

"You know you are suffering from "Empty Nest Syndrome" if....."

You have thrown out the better part of the last several one-gallon jugs of milk, but still can't bring yourself to buy the one-quart cartons.

You called the power company and asked them to check your meter, because the hot-water bill has been way too low.

You suddenly realize that you no longer need to include video late fees as part of the monthly budget.

You are shocked when you notice you can push the buttons on the car radio and KNOW what station you will get.

The bottle of shampoo has been in the shower so long you are starting to think it might be a mystical experience - kind of a loaves-and-fishes thing.

They've been gone three years and you still cook enough for your husband to have seconds and thirds ... and fourths.

You still walk through the living room in the crouched position with your picking-up hand brushing the floor, even though it encounters no dirty socks.

You ask the mechanic to check why your car is costing so little to run.

Your cupboards overflow with uneaten school lunch treats.

You still hide your best make-up.

+++++

"At the library"

One afternoon while I was visiting my library, I noticed a group of preschoolers gathered for story time. The book they were reading was "There was an old lady who swallowed a fly."

After the librarian finished the first page, she asked the children, "Do you think she'll die?"

"Nope," a little girl in the back said. "I saw this last night on "Fear factor."

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"Make $$$$ fast"

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TRY it now! Follow this simple procedure:

1. Open a new text or word document.
2. Hold down the shift key.
3. Hit the 4 key four times.