Funnies for 9/21/07

A dad is on his way home a bit late from the office when he realizes that it's his daughter's birthday and he has not bought her a gift. So he stops at a toy store to buy his daughter a Barbie. Inside he sees a Barbie display and asks the salesgirl how much the Barbies are. The girl responds: "Which one? We have:
Gymnasium Barbie: £19.95
Volleyball Barbie: £19.95
Shopping Barbie: £19.95
Surfer Barbie: £19.95
Disco Barbie: £19.95, and
Divorced Barbie: £299.95

Shocked, the man asks, "Why is Divorced Barbie £299.95 when all the other Barbies are £19.95?"

Exasperated, the girl responds, "Sir, Divorced Barbie comes with":
Ken's Car
Ken's House
Ken's Boat
Ken's furniture
Ken's jewelry
Ken's money
Ken's computer, and
Ken's best friend....

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RIPE OLD AGE

Grandma decided to move to Israel. As part of the preparations, she went to see her doctor and get all her charts. The doctor asked her how she was doing, so she gave him a litany of complaints -- this hurts, that's stiff, I'm tired and slower, etc. He responded, "Mrs. Siegel, you have to expect things to start deteriorating. After all, who wants to live to 100?" The grandmother looked him straight in the eye and replied, "Anyone who's 99."

QUARTET

A Gospel Quartet had just finished singing at a church in Tennessee. The baritone and bass singer were seen standing at the base of the flagpole near the front of the church, looking up. The tenor walked by and asked what they were doing. "The Pastor asked us if we could measure the height of the flagpole," said the bass, "but we don't have a ladder." The tenor took a wrench from the bus, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. He then took a tape measure from his pocket, took a measurement and announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away. The bass singer shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a Tenor? We ask for the height and he gives us the length."

TIRED....

The businessman dragged himself home and barely made it to his chair before he dropped exhausted. His sympathetic wife was right there with a tall, cool iced tea and a comforting word. "Goodness, you look tired," she said. "You must have had a hard day today. What happened to make you so exhausted?" "It was terrible," her husband said. "The computer broke down and all of us had to do our own thinking."

PLEASE....

Blanche: Herb, if you don't stop snoring, I'm going to toss you out on your ear!
Herb: Does it upset you that much?
Blanche: Not just me, the entire congregation.

"DON'T YOU HATE IT WHEN..."

- You have to try on a pair of sunglasses with that stupid little plastic thing in the middle of them.
- The elevator stops on every floor and nobody gets on.
- You open a can of soup, and the lid falls in.
- There's a dog in the neighborhood that barks at EVERYTHING.
- You can never put anything back in a box the way it came.
- Three hours and three meetings after lunch you look in the mirror and discover a piece of parsley stuck to your front tooth.
- You slice your tongue licking an envelope.
- Your tire gauge lets out half the air while you're trying to get a reading.
- A radio station comes in brilliantly when you're standing near the radio but buzzes, drifts and spits every time you move away.
- There are always one or two ice cubes that won't pop out of the tray.
- You wash a garment with a tissue in the pocket and your entire laundry comes out covered with lint.
- The car behind you blasts its horn because you let a pedestrian finish crossing.
- You set the alarm on your digital clock for 7pm instead of 7am.
- The radio station doesn't tell you who sang that song.
- You rub on hand cream and can't turn the bathroom doorknob to get out.
- People behind you on a supermarket line dash ahead of you to a counter just opening up.
- Your glasses slide off your ears when you perspire.
- You can't look up the correct spelling of a word in the dictionary because you don't know how to spell it.
- You have to inform five different sales people in the same store that you're just browsing.
- You had that pen in your hand only a second ago, and now you can't find it.
- You reach under the table to pick something off the floor and smash your head on the way up.

+++++
Most of us have a bad habit we are constantly trying to break. For me, it’s biting my fingernails. One day I told my husband about my latest solution: press-on nails.
"Great idea, Honey," he smiled. "You can eat them straight out of the box."