Funnies for 8/31/07

BORROWING & LENDING

My next-door neighbor and I frequently borrow things from each other. Not long ago, when I requested his ladder, he told me he had lent it to his son. Recalling a saying my grandmother used to repeat, I recited, "You should never lend anything to your kids, because you will never get it back." With that, he responded, "Tell you the truth, it's not even my ladder. It's my dad's."

ENGAGING

Dave took Mary out for a romantic dinner where conversation turned to the subject of marriage. Dave had been saving for an engagement ring, but he was in graduate school and in dire need of a new computer. Mary was understanding, telling Dave they had the rest of their lives to get engaged, so he should use his savings to buy a new computer instead. During dessert, Dave suddenly reached into his pocket and pulled out an engagement ring. Mary was stunned, but after she collected herself, she looked up and prompted, "Well, don't you have something to ask me?" Dave then got down on bended knee. "Honey," he said, "will you buy me a new computer?"

THE NEW MATH

The math teacher saw that little Arnie wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, "Arnie! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?" Little Arnie quickly replied, "NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!"

HYMNS FOR SEASONED CITIZENS

The Old Rugged Face
Precious Lord, Take My Hand, And Help Me Up
It is Well With My Soul, But My Knees Hurt
Nobody Knows the Trouble I Have Seeing
Amazing Grace, Considering My Age
Just a Slower Walk With Thee
Count Your Many Birthdays, Name Them One by One
Go Tell It On The Mountain, But Speak Up
Give Me That Old Timers' Religion
Blessed Insurance
Guide Me O Thou Great Jehovah, I've Forgotten Where I Parked

+++++

BUBBA THE MORTICIAN

A man who just died is delivered to a Kentucky mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. Bubba the mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out that the man does look very good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives Bubba a blank check and says, "I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing."

The woman returns the next day for the viewing. To her delight she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly. She says to Bubba, "Whatever the cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?" To her astonishment, Bubba presents her with the blank check. "Dere's no charge," he says.

"No, really, I must pay you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!" she says. "Honestly, ma'am," Bubba says, "it didn't cost me a ting. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his missus if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice."

"So, I just switched the heads."

+++++

"In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage?"
The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?"
The guy (clearly offended) says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you
something.
If I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian?
Or if I had asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?
Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?
Or if I had asked for a Taco would you ask if I was Mexican? Would
you? Would you?"

The clerk says, "Well, no!"

"If I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?"
"Well, I probably wouldn't!"
With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says, "Well then, why
did you ask me if I'm Polish because I asked for Polish sausage?"
The clerk replies, "Because you're at Home Depot."

+++++

A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties. They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster. "No, said another, "he's just for good luck." A third child brought the argument to a close. "They use the dogs", she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant.