The copy factor
A new monk arrived at the monastery. He was assigned to help the other monks in copying the old texts by hand. He noticed, however, that they were copying copies, not the original books. The new monk went to the head monk to ask him about this. He pointed out that if there were an error in the first copy, that error would be continued in all of the other copies.
The head monk said, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son." The head monk went down into the cellar with one of the copies to check it against the original.
Hours later, nobody had seen him, so one of the monks went downstairs to look for him. He heard a sobbing coming from the back of the cellar and found the old monk leaning over one of the original books, crying. He asked what was wrong.
"The word is 'celebrate,' not 'celibate'!" sobbed the head monk.
+++++
Proof Reading is a Dying Art!
Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter
They put in a correction the next day.
------------------------------------------------------
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
No, really? Ya think?
------------------------------------------------------
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!
------------------------------------------------------
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!
-------------------------------------------------------
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Ya think?!
--------------------------------------------------------
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape? Oklahoma 's new construction program!
-------------------------------------------------------
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren't they fat enough?!
-------------------------------------------------------
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That's what he gets for eating those beans!
-------------------------------------------------------
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?
-------------------------------------------------------
And the winner is....
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Did I read that right?
+++++
Generation gap
A very self-important college freshman attending a recent football game, took it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen sitting next to him why it was impossible for the older generation to understand his generation.
"You grew up in a different world, actually an almost primitive one," the student said, loud enough for many of those nearby to hear. "The young people of today grew up with television, jet planes, space travel, man walking on the moon, our space ships have visited Mars. We have nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers with light-speed processing and...," pausing to take another drink of beer.
The older man took advantage of the break in the student's litany and said, "You're right, son. We didn't have those things when we were young... so we invented them. Now, what are YOU and your bunch doing for the next generation?"
The applause was resounding.
Friday, September 26, 2008
Friday, September 12, 2008
Friday's Funnies
Bathroom scale
Two youngsters were closely examining bathroom scales on display at the department store.
"Have you ever seen one of these before?" one asked.
"Yeah, my mom and dad have one," the other replied.
"What's it for?" asked the first boy.
"I don't know," the second boy answered. "I think you stand on it and it makes you mad."
Interview
The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married -- for the fourth time.
The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation.
"He's a funeral director," she answered.
"Interesting," the newsman thought. He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.
She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she'd first married a banker when she was in her early 20s, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40s, later on a preacher when in her 60s, and now in her 80s, a funeral director.
The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.
She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."
+++++
TO THE MOON
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, 'Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?' The other blonde turns and says 'Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida?'
RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. 'Yoo-hoo!' she shouts, 'How can I get to the other side?' The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, 'You ARE on the other side.'
AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
'Impossible!' says the doctor. 'Show me.'
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you? 'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'
'I thought so,' the doctor said. 'Your finger is broken.'
BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!'
The American said, 'We were the first on the moon!'
The Blonde said, 'So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!'
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. 'You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!' said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, 'We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!'
IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, 'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?'
She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?'
FINALLY - THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?'
'HELLLOOOOOOO… ' answered the blonde. 'They're watch dogs!
Two youngsters were closely examining bathroom scales on display at the department store.
"Have you ever seen one of these before?" one asked.
"Yeah, my mom and dad have one," the other replied.
"What's it for?" asked the first boy.
"I don't know," the second boy answered. "I think you stand on it and it makes you mad."
Interview
The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married -- for the fourth time.
The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation.
"He's a funeral director," she answered.
"Interesting," the newsman thought. He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.
She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she'd first married a banker when she was in her early 20s, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40s, later on a preacher when in her 60s, and now in her 80s, a funeral director.
The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.
She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."
+++++
TO THE MOON
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, 'Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?' The other blonde turns and says 'Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida?'
RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. 'Yoo-hoo!' she shouts, 'How can I get to the other side?' The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, 'You ARE on the other side.'
AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
'Impossible!' says the doctor. 'Show me.'
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you? 'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'
'I thought so,' the doctor said. 'Your finger is broken.'
BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!'
The American said, 'We were the first on the moon!'
The Blonde said, 'So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!'
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. 'You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!' said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, 'We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!'
IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, 'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?'
She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?'
FINALLY - THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?'
'HELLLOOOOOOO… ' answered the blonde. 'They're watch dogs!
Friday, September 5, 2008
Friday's Funnies
Obsession"While getting dressed one morning, I decided I have been spending waaaaay too much time on the computer, when I caught myself checking the lower right corner of my make-up mirror to see what time it was." - Unknown
+++++
Philip is telling his friends about his recent divorce.
"Yes, it's true. Sylvie divorced me for religious reasons. She worshipped money and I didn't have any."
+++++
Martin had just received his brand new driver's license. The family troops out to the driveway, and climbs in the car, where he is going to take them for a ride for the first time. Dad immediately heads for the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver.
"I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive," says the beaming boy to his father.
"Nope," comes dad's reply, "I'm gonna sit here and kick the back of your seat as you drive, just like you've been doing to me all these years."
+++++
"Change"
A woman called her doctor in a panic. Her son had swallowed a dime and she wanted to know if she should bring the boy in to be seen.
"I don't think it's necessary," the doctor calmly replied. "Just watch him closely for any change."
+++++
Jasper was speeding along the Interstate Highway when he was pulled over by a State Trooper. The officer wrote out the ticket and handed it to him. "What am I supposed to do with this?" grumbled Jasper as the policeman handed him a speeding ticket. "Keep it," said the officer. "When you collect four of them you get a bicycle."
+++++
A small boy was looking at the red ripe tomatoes growing in the farmer's garden. "I'll give you my two pennies for that tomato," said the boy pointing to a beautiful, large, ripe fruit hanging on the vine.
"No," said the farmer, "I get a dime for a tomato like that one."
The small boy pointed to a smaller green one, "Will you take two pennies for that one?"
"Yes," replied the farmer, "I'll give you that one for two cents."
"OK," said the lad, sealing the deal by putting the coins in the farmer's hand, "I'll pick it up in about a week."
+++++
"Six things to think about"
1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.
2. Grandchildren are God's rewards for not killing your own children.
3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.
4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.
5. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.
6. We child proofed our homes, but they are still getting in.
+++++
12 THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME MORE THAN 50 YEARS TO LEARN
by Dave Barry, Nationally Syndicated Columnist
1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. You should not confuse your career with your life.
3. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance
4. Never lick a steak knife.
5. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip
6. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time
7. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
8. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.
9. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above-average drivers.
10. A person who is nice to you but rude to a waiter is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)
11. Your friends love you anyway.
12. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.
+++++
Philip is telling his friends about his recent divorce.
"Yes, it's true. Sylvie divorced me for religious reasons. She worshipped money and I didn't have any."
+++++
Martin had just received his brand new driver's license. The family troops out to the driveway, and climbs in the car, where he is going to take them for a ride for the first time. Dad immediately heads for the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver.
"I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive," says the beaming boy to his father.
"Nope," comes dad's reply, "I'm gonna sit here and kick the back of your seat as you drive, just like you've been doing to me all these years."
+++++
"Change"
A woman called her doctor in a panic. Her son had swallowed a dime and she wanted to know if she should bring the boy in to be seen.
"I don't think it's necessary," the doctor calmly replied. "Just watch him closely for any change."
+++++
Jasper was speeding along the Interstate Highway when he was pulled over by a State Trooper. The officer wrote out the ticket and handed it to him. "What am I supposed to do with this?" grumbled Jasper as the policeman handed him a speeding ticket. "Keep it," said the officer. "When you collect four of them you get a bicycle."
+++++
A small boy was looking at the red ripe tomatoes growing in the farmer's garden. "I'll give you my two pennies for that tomato," said the boy pointing to a beautiful, large, ripe fruit hanging on the vine.
"No," said the farmer, "I get a dime for a tomato like that one."
The small boy pointed to a smaller green one, "Will you take two pennies for that one?"
"Yes," replied the farmer, "I'll give you that one for two cents."
"OK," said the lad, sealing the deal by putting the coins in the farmer's hand, "I'll pick it up in about a week."
+++++
"Six things to think about"
1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.
2. Grandchildren are God's rewards for not killing your own children.
3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.
4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.
5. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.
6. We child proofed our homes, but they are still getting in.
+++++
12 THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME MORE THAN 50 YEARS TO LEARN
by Dave Barry, Nationally Syndicated Columnist
1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. You should not confuse your career with your life.
3. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance
4. Never lick a steak knife.
5. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip
6. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time
7. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
8. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.
9. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above-average drivers.
10. A person who is nice to you but rude to a waiter is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)
11. Your friends love you anyway.
12. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.
Friday, August 22, 2008
Friday's Funnies
Jon wanted $100 to buy a remote control car, so he prayed like crazy for two weeks ... but nothing happened
Jon decided to write God an urgent letter, requesting $100. When the post office received the letter addressed to God, USA, they forwarded the letter to the president
The president was so amused by the letter that he told his secretary to send Jon a $5 bill, figuring this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy
When Jon received the cash, he was so delighted that he wrote a thank you note which read:
Dear God:
Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that you sent it through Washington, D.C. Next time, don't do that because, as usual, they took 95%.
Love,
Jon
+++++
Senior Moments
- Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied. "Two years older than me." "So you're 96," the undertaker commented. She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?"
- Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure."
- The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.
- From Florida .....I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.
- I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.
- An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. "Wal-Mart ?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?" "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."
- These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."
+++++
Friendly Argument
During a friendly argument, my husband asked me why I married him in the first place. "I was just stupid," I teased. When he said he was happy to hear that, I requested an explanation. "People get divorced all the time because they fall out of love," he said. "But I've never heard of anybody falling out of stupid."
Texas Mindset
Three aspiring psychiatrists were attending their first class on emotional extremes. "Just to establish some parameters," said the professor to the student from Arkansas, "What is the opposite of joy?" "Sadness," said the student. "And the opposite of depression?" he asked of the young lady from Oklahoma. "Elation," she said. "And you sir," he said to the young man from Texas, "How about the opposite of woe?" The Texan replied, "Sir, I believe that would be giddy up."
The Mis-Step
I recall a time when my son was about 18 months old. I had him strapped into a backpack and was rushing to catch the bus. Apparently I mis-stepped and fell down an entire flight of stairs (13 to be exact). I was bruised and bleeding and had torn my jeans ... but my main concern was, naturally, for my child. My fears were alleviated, though, when from behind me I heard a gleeful giggle followed by, "Again!"
As You Requested
The homeowner was delighted with the way the painter, Arnie, had done all the work on his house. "You did a great job." he said and handed the man a check. "Also, in order to thank you, here's an extra $80 to take the missus out to dinner and a movie." Later that night, the doorbell rang and it was the painter. Thinking the man had forgotten something he asked, "What's the matter, did you forget something?" "Nope." replied the painter. "I'm just here to take your missus out to dinner and a movie..."
+++++
Phil and Will built an ice skating rink in the middle of a pasture. One day a shepherd, leading his flock, decided to take a shortcut across the rink. The sheep, however, were afraid of the ice and wouldn't cross it. Desperate, the shepherd began tugging them to the other side.
"Look at that," remarked Phil to Will. "That guy is trying to pull the wool over our ice!"
Jon decided to write God an urgent letter, requesting $100. When the post office received the letter addressed to God, USA, they forwarded the letter to the president
The president was so amused by the letter that he told his secretary to send Jon a $5 bill, figuring this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy
When Jon received the cash, he was so delighted that he wrote a thank you note which read:
Dear God:
Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that you sent it through Washington, D.C. Next time, don't do that because, as usual, they took 95%.
Love,
Jon
+++++
Senior Moments
- Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied. "Two years older than me." "So you're 96," the undertaker commented. She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?"
- Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure."
- The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.
- From Florida .....I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.
- I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.
- An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. "Wal-Mart ?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?" "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."
- These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."
+++++
Friendly Argument
During a friendly argument, my husband asked me why I married him in the first place. "I was just stupid," I teased. When he said he was happy to hear that, I requested an explanation. "People get divorced all the time because they fall out of love," he said. "But I've never heard of anybody falling out of stupid."
Texas Mindset
Three aspiring psychiatrists were attending their first class on emotional extremes. "Just to establish some parameters," said the professor to the student from Arkansas, "What is the opposite of joy?" "Sadness," said the student. "And the opposite of depression?" he asked of the young lady from Oklahoma. "Elation," she said. "And you sir," he said to the young man from Texas, "How about the opposite of woe?" The Texan replied, "Sir, I believe that would be giddy up."
The Mis-Step
I recall a time when my son was about 18 months old. I had him strapped into a backpack and was rushing to catch the bus. Apparently I mis-stepped and fell down an entire flight of stairs (13 to be exact). I was bruised and bleeding and had torn my jeans ... but my main concern was, naturally, for my child. My fears were alleviated, though, when from behind me I heard a gleeful giggle followed by, "Again!"
As You Requested
The homeowner was delighted with the way the painter, Arnie, had done all the work on his house. "You did a great job." he said and handed the man a check. "Also, in order to thank you, here's an extra $80 to take the missus out to dinner and a movie." Later that night, the doorbell rang and it was the painter. Thinking the man had forgotten something he asked, "What's the matter, did you forget something?" "Nope." replied the painter. "I'm just here to take your missus out to dinner and a movie..."
+++++
Phil and Will built an ice skating rink in the middle of a pasture. One day a shepherd, leading his flock, decided to take a shortcut across the rink. The sheep, however, were afraid of the ice and wouldn't cross it. Desperate, the shepherd began tugging them to the other side.
"Look at that," remarked Phil to Will. "That guy is trying to pull the wool over our ice!"
Friday, August 8, 2008
Friday's Funnies
Translation Oops
A friend was lecturing in Latin America. He was going to use a translator, but to identify with his audience, he wanted to begin his talk by saying in Spanish, "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen." He arrived at the auditorium a little early and realized he did not know the Spanish words for ladies and gentlemen. Being rather resourceful, he went to the part of the building where the restrooms were, looked at the signs on the two doors, and memorized those two words.
When the audience arrived and he was introduced, he stood up and said in Spanish, "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen."
The audience was shocked. He didn't know whether he had offended them or perhaps they hadn't heard him or understood him. So he decided to repeat it.
Again in Spanish he said, "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen."
One person in the audience began to snicker. Pretty soon the entire audience was laughing. Finally, someone told him that he had said, "Good evening, bathrooms and broom closets!"
Football Wedding
Two guys are talking about their boss's upcoming wedding.
One says, "It's ridiculous! He's rich, but he's 93 years old, and she's just 26! What kind of a wedding is that?"
The other says, "Well, we have a name for it in my family."
"What do you call it?"
"We call it a football wedding."
The first asks, "What's a football wedding?"
The other says, "She's waiting for him to kick off!"
Sounds
A teacher arranged her young students into a circle. She then went around the circle and asked each one a question.
"Davey, what sound does a cow make?" Davey replied, "It goes 'moo.'"
"Alice, what sound does a cat make?" Alice said, "It goes 'meow.'"
"Jamie, what sound does a lamb make?" Jamie said, "It goes 'baaa.'"
"Jennifer, what sound does a mouse make?" Jennifer paused, and said, "Uhh ... it goes ... 'click!'"
Ponderings
- Why do they report power outages on TV?
- Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor but book publishers aren't afraid to have a Chapter 11?
- I asked my wife why there were so many dings on the driver's side of her Mercedes and she said the brakes must be bad on that side.
- After you lose an election, will they let you back into all the exclusive clubs you resigned from?
- This is the only place in the country where people pull over and stop for a funeral, but speed up to cut off an ambulance or a fire truck.
- The best advice for teenagers is, leave home now while you still know everything.
- Is it a law of nature that women have to sneeze as soon as they apply their mascara?
- The two biggest problems in America are making ends meet and making meetings end.
More Ponderings
- I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
- If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead?"
- What hair colour do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
- I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
- Why not modern Latin: VENI, VEDI, VISA - I came, I saw, I shopped.
- If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
- STRESSED spelled backwards is DESSERTS.
- Strange! No one ever says "It's only a game," when their team is winning.
- Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?
Bug flew into a barn
A farmer was milking his cow. He was just starting to get a good rhythm going when a bug flew into the barn and started circling his head. Suddenly, the bug flew into the cow's ear. The farmer didn't think much about it, until the bug squirted out into his bucket. It went in one ear and out the udder.
A friend was lecturing in Latin America. He was going to use a translator, but to identify with his audience, he wanted to begin his talk by saying in Spanish, "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen." He arrived at the auditorium a little early and realized he did not know the Spanish words for ladies and gentlemen. Being rather resourceful, he went to the part of the building where the restrooms were, looked at the signs on the two doors, and memorized those two words.
When the audience arrived and he was introduced, he stood up and said in Spanish, "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen."
The audience was shocked. He didn't know whether he had offended them or perhaps they hadn't heard him or understood him. So he decided to repeat it.
Again in Spanish he said, "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen."
One person in the audience began to snicker. Pretty soon the entire audience was laughing. Finally, someone told him that he had said, "Good evening, bathrooms and broom closets!"
Football Wedding
Two guys are talking about their boss's upcoming wedding.
One says, "It's ridiculous! He's rich, but he's 93 years old, and she's just 26! What kind of a wedding is that?"
The other says, "Well, we have a name for it in my family."
"What do you call it?"
"We call it a football wedding."
The first asks, "What's a football wedding?"
The other says, "She's waiting for him to kick off!"
Sounds
A teacher arranged her young students into a circle. She then went around the circle and asked each one a question.
"Davey, what sound does a cow make?" Davey replied, "It goes 'moo.'"
"Alice, what sound does a cat make?" Alice said, "It goes 'meow.'"
"Jamie, what sound does a lamb make?" Jamie said, "It goes 'baaa.'"
"Jennifer, what sound does a mouse make?" Jennifer paused, and said, "Uhh ... it goes ... 'click!'"
Ponderings
- Why do they report power outages on TV?
- Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor but book publishers aren't afraid to have a Chapter 11?
- I asked my wife why there were so many dings on the driver's side of her Mercedes and she said the brakes must be bad on that side.
- After you lose an election, will they let you back into all the exclusive clubs you resigned from?
- This is the only place in the country where people pull over and stop for a funeral, but speed up to cut off an ambulance or a fire truck.
- The best advice for teenagers is, leave home now while you still know everything.
- Is it a law of nature that women have to sneeze as soon as they apply their mascara?
- The two biggest problems in America are making ends meet and making meetings end.
More Ponderings
- I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
- If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead?"
- What hair colour do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
- I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
- Why not modern Latin: VENI, VEDI, VISA - I came, I saw, I shopped.
- If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
- STRESSED spelled backwards is DESSERTS.
- Strange! No one ever says "It's only a game," when their team is winning.
- Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?
Bug flew into a barn
A farmer was milking his cow. He was just starting to get a good rhythm going when a bug flew into the barn and started circling his head. Suddenly, the bug flew into the cow's ear. The farmer didn't think much about it, until the bug squirted out into his bucket. It went in one ear and out the udder.
Friday, August 1, 2008
Friday's Funnies
My mother was away all weekend at a business conference. During a break, she decided to call home collect. My six-year-old brother picked up the phone and heard a stranger's voice say, "We have a Betty on the line. Will you accept the charges?" Frantic, he dropped the receiver and came charging outside screaming, "Dad! They've got Mom! And they want money!"
+++++
Siamese twins walk into a pub in Toronto, Ontario and park themselves on a bar stool.
One of them says to the Bartender, 'Don't mind us, were joined at the hip. I'm John, he's Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers, draft please'.
The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers. 'Been on holiday yet, lads?'
‘Off to England next month,' says John. ‘We go to England every year and hire a car and drive for miles, don't we, Jim?'
Jim agrees.
‘Ah, England!' says the Bartender. 'Wonderful country ... the history, the beer, the culture ...'
'Nah, we don't like that British stuff,' says John. ‘Hamburgers & Molsons beer, that's us, eh Jim? And we can't stand the English ...'
'So why keep going to England?' asks the Bartender.
'It's the only chance Jim gets to drive.'
+++++
Why do we love children?
1) NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'
2) OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.'
3) KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle.'
4) MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?'
5) POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop? Yes,' I answered and continued writing the report. My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?' 'Yes, that's right,' I told her. 'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would you please tie my shoe?'
6) POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. 'Is that a dog you got back there?' he asked. 'It sure is,' I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, 'What'd he do?'
7) ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!
8) DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.' 'And why not, darling?' 'You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.'
9) SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. 'I'm just wasting my time,' she said to her mother. 'I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!'
10) BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. 'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out. 'What have you got there, dear?' With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's Adam's underwear!
+++++
Siamese twins walk into a pub in Toronto, Ontario and park themselves on a bar stool.
One of them says to the Bartender, 'Don't mind us, were joined at the hip. I'm John, he's Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers, draft please'.
The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers. 'Been on holiday yet, lads?'
‘Off to England next month,' says John. ‘We go to England every year and hire a car and drive for miles, don't we, Jim?'
Jim agrees.
‘Ah, England!' says the Bartender. 'Wonderful country ... the history, the beer, the culture ...'
'Nah, we don't like that British stuff,' says John. ‘Hamburgers & Molsons beer, that's us, eh Jim? And we can't stand the English ...'
'So why keep going to England?' asks the Bartender.
'It's the only chance Jim gets to drive.'
+++++
Why do we love children?
1) NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'
2) OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.'
3) KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle.'
4) MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?'
5) POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop? Yes,' I answered and continued writing the report. My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?' 'Yes, that's right,' I told her. 'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would you please tie my shoe?'
6) POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. 'Is that a dog you got back there?' he asked. 'It sure is,' I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, 'What'd he do?'
7) ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!
8) DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.' 'And why not, darling?' 'You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.'
9) SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. 'I'm just wasting my time,' she said to her mother. 'I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!'
10) BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. 'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out. 'What have you got there, dear?' With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's Adam's underwear!
Friday, July 25, 2008
Friday's Funnies
Donkey Sale
Young Chuck, moved to Texas and bought a donkey from a farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died.'
Chuck replied, 'Well, then just give me my money back.'
The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I went and spent it already.'
Chuck said, 'Ok, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'
The farmer asked, 'What ya gonna do with him?
Chuck said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'
The farmer said, 'You can't raffle off a dead donkey!'
Chuck said, 'Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'
A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?'
Chuck said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $898.00.'
The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'
Chuck said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.'
Chuck grew up and works for the government.
Sounds Logical
Brenda's 6 year old was explaining to the other kids what "extinct" meant: "Well," she said in all seriousness, "it means that the dinosaurs are all dead and have been dead so long they don't stink anymore, that's why they call them exstinkt."
Timesaver
An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don't want to try these techniques at home." "Why not?" asked somebody from the audience. "I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, 'Hon, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'" "Did it save time?" the guy in the audience asked. "Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven."
Phlip Response
Everyone knows I'm a stickler for good spelling. So when an associate e-mailed technical documents asking me to "decifer" them, I had to set him straight. "Decipher is spelled with a 'ph,' not an 'f,'" I wrote. "In case you've forgotten, spell checker comes free with your Microsoft program." A minute later came his reply: "Must be dephective."
The Cure
One afternoon, Mike went to his doctor and told him that he hadn't been feeling well lately. The doctor examined Mike, left the room and came back with three different bottles of pills. The doctor said, "Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you wake up. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after you eat lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another big glass of water. Startled to be put on so much medication, Mike stammered, "Wow, Doc, exactly what is my problem?" The doctor replied, "You're not drinking enough water."
Giving
The pastor of a small church exhorted his flock to give generously when the collection plate was passed. "give," he pleaded, "as though it were going right back into you own pocket." After the service, the pastor chided one of the members: "George, I noticed that you let the collection plate go right by you in spite of my appeal." "Well, Reverend," the man replied, "I figured as long as the money was going back into my pocket anyway, it didn't need no round trip."
Gas Prices
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive....so, I took her to a gas station.
The catch
A man was returning home from a fishing trip. He was flying down the highway, going way too fast. He felt secure amongst a pack of cars, all traveling at the same speed. However, it wasn't long before he saw flashing lights in his review mirror and pulled over.
The officer handed him the citation, received his signature, and was about to walk away when the man stopped him. "Officer, I know I was speeding," he started, "but I don't think it's fair. There were plenty of other cars around me going just as fast, so why did I get the ticket?"
The officer tilted his head and gestured at the fishing gear stowed on the passenger seat. "I see you like fishing," he said.
"Ummm, yes I do... so?" the confused driver replied.
The officer grinned as he turned to leave. "Ever catch ALL the fish?"
The Dog Psychiatrist
Two poodles were chatting.
"I can't figure it out," said the first dog. "I'm in perfect physical shape, but I'm constantly anxious."
The second dog says, "Why don't you go to a psychiatrist?"
To this the first dog remarks, "How can I? I'm not allowed on the couch!"
Young Chuck, moved to Texas and bought a donkey from a farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died.'
Chuck replied, 'Well, then just give me my money back.'
The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I went and spent it already.'
Chuck said, 'Ok, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'
The farmer asked, 'What ya gonna do with him?
Chuck said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'
The farmer said, 'You can't raffle off a dead donkey!'
Chuck said, 'Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'
A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?'
Chuck said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $898.00.'
The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'
Chuck said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.'
Chuck grew up and works for the government.
Sounds Logical
Brenda's 6 year old was explaining to the other kids what "extinct" meant: "Well," she said in all seriousness, "it means that the dinosaurs are all dead and have been dead so long they don't stink anymore, that's why they call them exstinkt."
Timesaver
An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don't want to try these techniques at home." "Why not?" asked somebody from the audience. "I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, 'Hon, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'" "Did it save time?" the guy in the audience asked. "Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven."
Phlip Response
Everyone knows I'm a stickler for good spelling. So when an associate e-mailed technical documents asking me to "decifer" them, I had to set him straight. "Decipher is spelled with a 'ph,' not an 'f,'" I wrote. "In case you've forgotten, spell checker comes free with your Microsoft program." A minute later came his reply: "Must be dephective."
The Cure
One afternoon, Mike went to his doctor and told him that he hadn't been feeling well lately. The doctor examined Mike, left the room and came back with three different bottles of pills. The doctor said, "Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you wake up. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after you eat lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another big glass of water. Startled to be put on so much medication, Mike stammered, "Wow, Doc, exactly what is my problem?" The doctor replied, "You're not drinking enough water."
Giving
The pastor of a small church exhorted his flock to give generously when the collection plate was passed. "give," he pleaded, "as though it were going right back into you own pocket." After the service, the pastor chided one of the members: "George, I noticed that you let the collection plate go right by you in spite of my appeal." "Well, Reverend," the man replied, "I figured as long as the money was going back into my pocket anyway, it didn't need no round trip."
Gas Prices
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive....so, I took her to a gas station.
The catch
A man was returning home from a fishing trip. He was flying down the highway, going way too fast. He felt secure amongst a pack of cars, all traveling at the same speed. However, it wasn't long before he saw flashing lights in his review mirror and pulled over.
The officer handed him the citation, received his signature, and was about to walk away when the man stopped him. "Officer, I know I was speeding," he started, "but I don't think it's fair. There were plenty of other cars around me going just as fast, so why did I get the ticket?"
The officer tilted his head and gestured at the fishing gear stowed on the passenger seat. "I see you like fishing," he said.
"Ummm, yes I do... so?" the confused driver replied.
The officer grinned as he turned to leave. "Ever catch ALL the fish?"
The Dog Psychiatrist
Two poodles were chatting.
"I can't figure it out," said the first dog. "I'm in perfect physical shape, but I'm constantly anxious."
The second dog says, "Why don't you go to a psychiatrist?"
To this the first dog remarks, "How can I? I'm not allowed on the couch!"
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