Friday's Funnies

Sewing

My granddaughter came to spend a few weeks with me, and I decided to teach her to sew. After I had gone through a lengthy explanation of how to thread the machine, she stepped back, put her hands on her hips, and said in disbelief, "You mean you can do all that, but you can't operate my Game Boy?"

Directions

A tourist stopped a local in a village he was visiting and asked, "What is the quickest way to the lake?"  The local thought for a while. "Are you walking or driving?" he asked the tourist.   "I'm driving."  "That’s the quickest way."

Thoughts To Ponder

1. Why do they call him Donkey Kong if he is not a donkey?

2. Why do they say a football team is the 'world champion' when they don't play anybody outside the US?

3. If you put a chameleon in a room full of mirrors, what color would it turn?

4. What are the handles for corn on the cob called?

5. Why do British people never sound British when they sing?

6. Why do we press the start button to turn off the computer?

7. Do sheep get static cling when they rub against one another?

8. If K.F.C Stands for Kentucky Fried Chicken, why do they play sweet home Alabama on the commercials?

9. Does a 'Marks-A-Lot' marker, mark any more than a regular marker?

10. If nobody buys a ticket to a movie do they still show it?

11. How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

12. Do movie producers still say lights, camera, and action when it is a dark scene?

13. What do you call male ballerinas?

Incredulous

Nancy's nephew was just four when she was pregnant with her first kid. She allowed him to place his hand on her belly and feel the baby kick. His little face scrunched and said, "How does the baby get out of there?" She wanted to keep it simple so she said, "The doctor will help." His eyes widened in amazement as he exclaimed, "You've got a doctor in there, too?"

Grammar Lesson

In a grammar lesson in eighth grade Mrs. O'Neill said, "Paul, give me a sentence with a direct object."  Paul replied, "Everyone thinks you are the best teacher in the school."  "Thank you, Paul," responded Mrs. O'Neill, "but what is the object?"  "To get the best mark possible," said Paul.

If I Were A Bear

If you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that.

Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid. I could deal with that, too.

If you're a bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts) while you're sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute cuddly cubs. I could definitely deal with that.

If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them, too. I could deal with that.

If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat.  Yup…… Now you see my point of why I want to be a bear. 

Top Ten Signs The Ushers At Your Church Have Gone Through Customer Service Training

10. Now giving out pagers to alert you when a pew becomes available

9. No more "spiritual profiling" of visitors

8. Offering wider variety of communion wafer toppings

7. Turns the Taser voltage WAY down now when zapping someone sleeping during sermon

6. Will wipe down pew seat for you and not expect a tip

5. Goo-Goo Gaa-Gaa Squad created for crying-baby-crisis

4. Quick-response Communion Cup Disinfection Team for slobberers

3. During lulls in worship service, pushes service cart down aisle, offering beverages and peanuts

2. No longer singing parody lyrics under their breath to praise and worship songs

1. Two words: Pew massages

Off Balance

I'm not saying that the customer service in my bank is bad, but when I went in the other day and asked the clerk to check my balance, she leaned over and pushed me.

At A Murder Trial In Oklahoma

Scene: A courtroom in Oklahoma where a person is on trial for murder.  There is strong evidence indicating guilt; however, there is no corpse.  In the defense's closing statement, the lawyer, knowing that his client is guilty and that it looks like he'll probably be convicted, resorts to a clever trick.  "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer says as he looks at his watch. "Within 1 minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom," he says and he looks toward the courtroom door.  The jury, somewhat stunned, all look on eagerly. A minute passes. Nothing happens.  Finally, the lawyer says: 'Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I, therefore, put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."  The jury, clearly confused, retires to deliberate. A very few minutes later, the jury returns and a representative pronounces a verdict of guilty.  "But how?" inquires the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door."  Answers the representative: "Oh, we did look. But your client didn't."

Today’s Thoughts

Which letter is silent in the word "Scent," the S or the C?

and

Why is the letter "W" in English pronounced "double-U"? Shouldn't it be called "double-V"?

Friday's Funnies

Tax Collector

Tax collector: It is your duty as a citizen to pay taxes, and we expect you to pay them with a smile.  Taxpayer (grinning widely): Wonderful! I thought you expected me to pay them with cash!

Dry Wit

A minister introduced a number of improvements in his church, including hot air dryers in the wash rooms. He had them removed after two weeks because someone had stuck a notice on one of them which read "For details of last week's sermon, please press here."

Ponderations

·        The kindergarten was learning the letters of the alphabet. "What comes after 'T'?" the teacher asked. John quickly replied, "V."

·        In light of the economic crisis, my family is extending the 5-second rule for dropped food to 10 seconds, especially in the case of blueberries.

·        A woman stopped to talk to the small girl who was making mud pies on the sidewalk. "My word," she exclaimed, "you are pretty dirty, aren't you, my little girl?" "Yes, ma'am," the girl replied, "but I am prettier clean."

·        My friend got 8 out 10 on her driver's test. The other two guys managed to jump out of her way.

The Tat

When my brother-in-law was on leave from national service, he brought home a heavily tattooed friend. We all sat down to Sunday lunch, and my four-year-old nephew couldn't take his eyes off the man's colorful arms. Curiosity finally got the better off him. Politely, he asked the visitor, "Didn't your mother give you paper to write on?"

True Confession

Serving as a Marine recruiter in western North Carolina, I found a young man who met all the requirements and was ready to enlist. I explained the importance of being truthful on the application, and he began filling out his paper work. But when he got to the question "Do you own any foreign property or have any foreign financial interests?" he looked up at me with a worried expression. "Well," he confessed, "I do own a Toyota." We enlisted him the next day.

Things You Never Hear in Church

"Hey! It's my turn to sit in the front pew!"

"I was so enthralled, I never even noticed your sermon went 25 minutes overtime."

"I've decided to give our church the $500 a month I've been sending to TV preachers."

"I'll volunteer to be the permanent teacher for the Junior High Sunday School class."

"Forget the denominational minimum salary. Let's pay our pastor so he can live like we do!"

"I love it when we sing worship songs I've never heard before."

"Since we're all here, let's start the service early!"

"Pastor, we'd like to send you to this Bible seminar in the Bahamas."

Jury Selection

An important and very well publicized murder trial was soon to begin. In preparation for the trial, the tiresome jury selection process took place, each side hotly contesting and dismissing potential jurors.  One prospective juror, Dan O'Keefe, was called for his question session.  He was asked, "Property holder?"  Dan replied, "Yes, I am, Your Honor."  Then he was asked, "Married or single?"  Dan responded, "Married for twenty years, Your Honor."  Then the judge asked, "Formed or expressed an opinion?"  Dan stated with certainty, "Not in twenty years, Your Honor."

Changing Technology

We often have daycare groups come to visit our library for story time. After reading one such group a story, I gave each of the children a bookmark as a memento of their visit. But one little boy, who was more used to technological gadgets than old- fashioned tools, wondered how to use his bookmark. So I demonstrated how to place it between two pages, then closed the book. "When you start reading again, voila!" I said, holding the book as it opened to my bookmarked page. "Wow!" he said. "That's cool!"

Palm Sunday Visitor

It was Palm Sunday. But because of a sore throat, five-year-old Johnny stayed home from church with a sitter. When the family returned home, they were carrying several palm fronds. Johnny asked them what they were for. "People held them over Jesus' head as he walked by," his father told him. "Wouldn't you know it," Johnny fumed, "the one Sunday I don't go and He shows up."

Getting Out of Jury Duty

Judge:  Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this case?
Prospective Juror:  I don't want to be away from my job that long.
Judge:  Can't they do without you at work?
Prospective Juror:  Yes, but I don't want them to know it.

Housekeeping — Or Not

I don't do windows because... I love birds and don't want one to fly into a clean window and get hurt.

I don't wax floors because... I am terrified a guest will slip, hurt themselves, I'll feel terrible and they may sue me.

I don't mind the dust bunnies because... They are very good company, I have named most of them, and they agree with everything I say.

I don't disturb cobwebs because... I want every creature to have a home of their own.

I don't Spring Clean because... I love all the seasons and don't want the others to get jealous.

I don't pull weeds in the garden because... I don't want to get in God's way, he is an excellent designer.

I don't put things away because... My husband will never be able to find them again.

I don't do gourmet meals when I entertain because... I don't want my guests to stress out over what to make when they invite me over for dinner.

I don't iron because... I choose to believe them when they say "Permanent Press."

Today’s Thought

If you replace "W" with "T" in "What, Where and When,, you get the answer to each of them.

Friday's Funnies

Oh No!

Three men were discussing at a bar about coincidences. The first man said, " my wife was reading a "tale of two cities" and she gave birth to twins".  "That's funny", the second man remarked, "my wife was reading 'the three musketeers' and she gave birth to triplets".  The third man shouted, "Oh no, I have to rush home!"  When asked what the problem was, he exclaimed, " When I left the house, my wife was reading Ali baba and the forty Thieves"!

Former Classmate

I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his DDS diploma on the wall, which bore his full name.  Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class, some 30-odd years ago.  Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on way back then? Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man was way too old to have been my classmate.  After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Northmont high school.  "Yes. Yes, I did. I'm a thunderbolt," he said gleaming with pride.  "When did you graduate?" I asked.  He answered, "in 1975. Why do you ask?"  "You were in my class!", I exclaimed.  He looked at me closely, then, the ugly, old, bald, wrinkle-faced, fat, gray-haired, decrepit idiot asked, "What did you teach?"

Ticket

A driver tucked this note under the windshield wiper of his automobile. "I've circled the block for 20 minutes. I'm late for an appointment, and if I don't park here I'll lose my job. Forgive us our trespasses."  When he came back he found a parking ticket and this note: "I've circled the block for 20 years, and if I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation."

Italian Chef

Did you hear about the Italian chef that died:  He pasta way.  We cannoli do so much. His legacy will become a pizza history.  Here today, gone tomato.  How sad that he ran out of thyme.  Sending olive my prayers to the family.  His wife is really upset. Cheese still not over it.  You never sausage a tragic thing.  Ashes to ashes, crust to crust…

Phone Solicitors

Here are some suggested comebacks to unsolicited, persistent telephone sales callers:

"I'm sorry, but I'm really busy right now. Give me your home number and I'll call you back later tonight."

In the middle of the caller's memorized sales pitch, interrupt with: "What causes a hiccup?"

"You want to sell me insurance? I've been trying to get insurance for years, but nobody will sell me any!"

Another response to rug cleaners or any person offering home services: (Break into tears and say) "Is this some kind of joke? My house burned down last night! We lost everything!"

To a phone company solicitor: "That sounds GREAT! Wait, can you hold for a minute?" (Leave the phone on the table until he/she hangs up.)

Doctors

I went to see the doctor this morning. "Someone decided to graffiti my house last night!" I raged. "So why are you telling me?" the doctor asked.  "I can't understand the writing," I replied. "Was it you?"

Won't Cook

I put a roast in the oven one noon hour and set the timer, a feature I hadn't used yet. Before leaving work that afternoon, I phoned my 14-year-old son to ask him to check the roast and peel some potatoes. Minutes later he called back. "Mom, the roast isn't cooked. The oven didn't come on."  The roast was on the menu again the following day, but this time, since I stopped by the house after a business lunch, I decided to turn the oven on myself. Again, before leaving work, I called my son to check the roast and get the potatoes started. Again, he called me back. "The roast still isn't cooked."  "Listen," I said. "I know the oven's on. I turned it on before I left. I didn't use the timer."  "Oh, the stove's working fine," he told me. "It's just that the roast is still in the refrigerator."

Airhead

An airhead standing by the river sees another airhead on the opposite bank.

Airhead #1: "Yoo-hoo!  Hello over there!  How can I get to the other side of the river?"

Airhead #2: "Stop it -- you ARE on the other side."

The Chinese Doctor & The Lawyer

A Chinese Doctor can't find a job in a Hospital in the US, so he opens his own clinic and puts a sign outside 'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.'

An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.

Lawyer: 'I have lost my sense of taste.'

Chinese: 'Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth.'

Lawyer: 'Ugh. This is kerosene.'

Chinese: 'Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20.'

The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money.

Lawyer: 'I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything.'

Chinese: 'Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth.'

Lawyer (annoyed): 'This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste.'

Chinese: 'Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me $20.'

The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100.

Lawyer: 'My eyesight has become very weak I can't see at all.'

Chinese: 'Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100.'

Lawyer (staring at the note): 'But this is $20, not $100!!'

Chinese: 'Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20'

Today’s Thought

I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.

Friday's Funnies

Easter Sunday

One Easter Sunday morning as the pastor was preaching a children's sermon, he reached into his bag of props and pulled out an egg. He pointed at the egg and asked the children, "What's in here?"  "I know, I know!" a little boy exclaimed, "pantyhose!"

Why The Easter Bunny Brings Eggs

10. Big tax write-off.

9. Who ever heard of Easter Bricks?

8. Consider all of the varieties: scrambled, over easy, hard boiled.

7. He gets a good deal from the local chickens.

6. Secret plan to eliminate human race by cholesterol overdose.

5. Pressure from the Egg Marketing Board.

4. Because if it brought bottle rockets it would be the Independence Bunny.

3. Would you want to hunt for waffles?

2. He thinks guys should get chicks at least once a year.

1. Because the Energizer Rabbit got the good job.

Deciphering College Students

When I first started college, the Dean came in and said "Good Morning" to all of us. When we echoed back to him, he responded, "Ah, you're Freshmen." Then he explained. "When you walk in and say good morning, and they say good morning back, they're Freshmen. When they put their newspapers down and open their books, they're Sophomores. When they look up so they can see the who's talking over the tops of the newspapers, they're juniors. When they put their feet up on the desks and keep reading, they're seniors. And when you walk in and say good morning, and they write it down, they're graduate students."

The Sermon

After a very long and boring sermon the parishioners filed out of the church saying nothing to the preacher. Towards the end of the line was a thoughtful person who always commented on the sermons.  "Pastor, today your sermon reminded me of the peace and love of God." The pastor was thrilled. "Nobody has ever said anything like that about my preaching before. Tell me why." "Because it endured forever."

From Another Era

We were eating corn on the cob two weeks ago and my 5-year-old daughter Rachel seemed to be struggling with it a little bit. I said, "Rachel, eat it like a typewriter." She looked at me with pure innocence in her eyes and said, "Mommy, what's a typewriter?"

Inner Peace

By following the simple advice I heard on a Dr. Phil Show, I have finally found inner peace. Dr. Phil proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started. So I looked around my house to see things I started and hadn't finished; and, before leaving the house this morning I finished off a package of Oreos, a pot of coffee, the rest of the cheesecake, some Saltines and a box of Godiva Chocolates. Dr. Phil was right — you have no idea how great I feel right now!

A Florida Court Sets Atheist Holy Day

In Florida, an atheist created a case against Easter and Passover Holy days. He hired an attorney to bring a discrimination case against Christians and Jews and observances of their holy days. The argument was that it was unfair that atheists had no such recognized days.  The case was brought before a judge. After listening to the passionate presentation by the lawyer, the judge banged his gavel declaring, "Case dismissed!"  The lawyer immediately stood and objecting to the ruling saying, "Your honor, How can you possibly dismiss this case? The Christians have Christmas, Easter and others. The Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur and Hanukkah, yet my client and all other atheists have no such holidays..." The judge leaned forward in his chair saying, "But you do. Your client, counselor, is woefully ignorant." The lawyer said," Your Honor, we are unaware of any special observance or holiday for atheists." The judge said, "The calendar says April 1st is April Fool's Day. Psalm 14:1 states, 'The fool says in his heart, there is no God.' Thus, it is the opinion of this court, that, if your client says there is no God, then he is a fool. Therefore, April 1st is his day.  Court is adjourned..."

Grocer

A grocer put up a sign that read "Eggplants, 25 cents each - three for a dollar."  All day long, customers came in exclaiming: "Don't be ridiculous! I should get four for a dollar!"  Meekly the grocer agreed and packaged four eggplants. The tailor next door had been watching these antics and finally asked the grocer, "Aren't you going to fix the mistake on your sign?"  "What mistake?" the grocer asked. "Before I put up that sign no one ever bought more than one eggplant."

Laughing Boss

"I finally got my boss to laugh," said one friend to another after work.

"Oh, how?"

"I asked for a raise!"

The Helpful Teacher

The teacher who was helping one of her pupils put on his boots. He asked for help and she could see why. Even with her pulling, and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on. By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost cried when the little boy said, 'Teacher, they're on the wrong feet.' She looked, and sure enough, they were. Unfortunately, it wasn't any easier pulling the boots off, than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as, together, they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the correct feet. He then announced, 'These aren't my boots.' She bit her tongue, rather than get right in his face and scream, 'Why didn't you say so?' like she wanted to. Once again, she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet. No sooner had they got the boots off when he said, 'They're my brother's boots. But my Mom made me wear 'em today.' Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots BACK onto his feet again. Helping him into his coat, she asked, 'Now, where are your mittens?' He said, 'I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots.'

Today’s Thought

The word "SWIMS" up¬side-down is still "SWIMS."

Friday's Funnies

Produce

The supermarket near our house has an automatic mister to keep the produce fresh.  Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of a thunderstorm.  When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing.   When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cackle.  At this point I have been too afraid to go down the toilet paper aisle.

Q & A

Q: What did the grape say when the elephant stepped on it?

A: Nothing, it just let out a little wine.

Move the Car

My husband, Cal, grew increasingly displeased as our teenage daughter and her boyfriend studied in her room late one evening. Finally losing patience shortly after midnight, he knocked sharply on her door. Her boyfriend immediately opened it and asked if something was wrong.  "I have to ask you to move your car," Cal told him.  "Oh, sure. Is it in someone's way?"  "No," Cal replied, "it's at the wrong address."

Password

Me: What's the wifi password?

Bartender: You need to buy a drink first.

Me: Okay, I'll have a coke.

Bartender: Is Pepsi okay?

Me: Sure. How much is that?

Bartender: $3.

Me: There you go. So what's the wifi password?

Bartender: "You need to buy a drink first". No spaces, all lowercase

Retirement

A Wife's definition of retirement: Twice as much husband on half as much pay.

Retiree’s Quiz

 How many days in a week?

 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday

 When is a retiree's bedtime?

 Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.

 How many retirees does it take to change a light bulb?

 Only one, but it might take all day.

 What's the biggest gripe of retirees?

 There is not enough time to get everything done.

 Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?

 The term comes with a 15% discount.

 Among retirees what is considered formal attire?

 Tied shoes.

 Why do retirees count pennies?

 They are the only ones who have the time.

 What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?

 NUTS!

 Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?

 They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.

 What do retirees call a long lunch?

 Normal.

 What is the best way to describe retirement?

 Answers: The never-ending Coffee Break.

 What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?

 If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.

 Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with?

 He is too polite to tell the whole truth.

Senior Thought

Not to brag, but I went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there.  It was the bathroom, but still...

Racism Today?

Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'racism' these days... ever wonder why? A customer walks into an establishment and asks, "In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage?" The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?"  The guy (clearly offended) says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican? If I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?"  The clerk says, "Well, no, I probably wouldn't!"  With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says, "Well then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish because I asked for Polish sausage?"  The clerk replied, "Because you're in Home Depot."

Today’s Thought

Me fail English? That unpossible!

Friday's Funnies

United Nations Food Survey

Last month, a worldwide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a huge failure.

In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.

In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.

In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.

In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.

In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.

In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.

And in the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

Sunday School Story

Nine-year-old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned at Sunday school.  "Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt.  "When he got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely.  "Then he used his walkie-talkie to radio headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved."  "Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked.  "Well, no. But if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!"

Pious Man

A pious man who had reached the age of 105 suddenly stopped going to temple. Alarmed by the old fellow's absence after so many years of faithful attendance the Rabbi went to see him.  He found him in excellent health, so the Rabbi asked, "How come after all these years we don't see you at services anymore?"  The old man looked around and lowered his voice. "I'll tell you, Rabbi," he whispered.  "When I got to be 90, I expected God to take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105. So I figured that God is very busy and must've forgotten about me."  "So?" the Rabbi asked indignantly.  "So I don't want to remind him!"

Another Blonde Joke

Last year I replaced several windows in my house and they were the expensive double-pane energy efficient kind. But this week I got a call from the contractor complaining that his work has been completed for a whole year and I had yet to pay for them.  Boy oh boy did we go 'round. Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I proceeded to tell him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year. . that in one year the windows would pay for themselves. There was silence on the other end of the line so I just hung up and I haven't heard back. Guess I must have won that silly argument.

Marriage

My wife thinks I put football before marriage, even though we just celebrated our third season together.

Important I.T. Memo

Since our Information Technology expenditures have risen dramatically, the corporate office has defined a low-cost alternative to computers. The goal is to remove all computers from the desktop by June 2018. Instead everyone will be provided with an Etch-A-Sketch.

There are many sound reasons for doing this:

1. No boot-up problems

2. No technical glitches keeping work from being done.

3. No more wasted time reading and writing emails.

Frequently Asked Questions from the Etch-A-Sketch Help Desk:

Q:   My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the screen.

A:   Pick it up and shake it.

Q:   How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?

A:   Pick it up and shake it.

Q:   What's the shortcut for Undo?

A:   Pick it up and shake it.

Q:   How do I create a New Document window?

A:   Pick it up and shake it.

Q:   How do I set the background and foreground to the same color?

A:   Pick it up and shake it.

Q:   What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch?

A:   Pick it up and shake it.

Q:   How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?

A:   Pick it up and shake it.

Q:   How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document?

A:   Don't shake it.

Today’s Though

My friend got 8 out 10 on her driver's test--the other two guys managed to jump out of her way.

Friday's Funnies

Eternity

A man climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai and gets close enough to talk to God.  Looking up, he asks the Lord, "God, what does a million years mean to you?"  The Lord replies, "A minute."  The man then asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"  The Lord replies, "A penny."  Then he asks, "Can I have a penny?" The Lord replies, "In a minute."

Won't Sell to You

One day, a blonde went into an appliance store that was having a sale on TVs. She walked up to the counter and said to the clerk, "I would like to buy this TV."  The clerk replied, "Sorry, I don't sell to blondes."  So, the blonde dyed her hair brown and returned the next day. Again, she went up to the counter and said, "I would like to buy this TV."  Again, the clerk answered, "Sorry, I don't sell to blondes."  Puzzled, the blonde asked, "How did you know I was a blonde?"  The clerk replied, "Because that is a microwave."

Tonsillectomy

We were on our way to the hospital where our 16-year-old daughter was scheduled to undergo a tonsillectomy. During the ride we talked about how the procedure would be performed.  "Dad," our teenager asked, "how are they going to keep my mouth open during the surgery?"  Without hesitation he quipped, "They're going to give you a phone."

Mrs. Right

Sitting in the bar George asked his 40-year-old friend John, "How come you aren't married?" 

John: "I haven't found the right woman yet."

George: "So what are you looking for?"

John: "Oh she's got to be real pretty, a good cook and house keeper. She's got to know how to handle money, have a nice and pleasant personality and money. She's got to have money. And a nice big house wouldn't hurt either."

George: "A woman like that would be crazy to marry YOU!"

John: "Oh, it's okay, if she is crazy."

Which One Are You?

The world is divided into haves and have-nots: those who have a sense of humor and those who do not.

Top 10 Things Overheard On The Ark

10. "Did anyone think about bringing a couple of umbrellas?"

9. "Hey, there are more than two flies in here!"

8. "Wasn't someone supposed to put two shovels on board?"

7. "Okay, who's the wise guy who brought the mosquitoes on board?!"

6. "Help! I need some Pepto for the elephants, QUICK!"

5. "Don't make me pull this ark over and come back there!"

4. "No Ham, you cannot eat the pig!"

3. "And whatever you do, DO NOT pull this plug out."

2. "Nice doggie..."

1. "Are we there yet?"   

Baba's Shaving Cream

A marketing guy who was interviewing people on the street had button-holed a guy and was asking him a series of questions which went like this...

Which shaving cream do you use?

The gent answered, Baba's, and the guy proceeded to answer each of the interviewer's following questions with the same answer, Baba's...

Which aftershave do you use?

Which deodorant do you use?

Which toothpaste do you use?

Which shampoo do you use?

Which soap do you use?

Finally, a bit frustrated, the interviewer asked,

"Ok, tell me, What is this 'Baba'? Is it an international or foreign company?"

The guy replies. . . .

"No, he's my room-mate!"

Strongest Man

The local bar was so sure that its owner was the strongest man around that it offered a standing $1,000 bet that no could beat him.  The challenge was that the owner would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran out into a beer glass, then hand the lemon to the customer. Anyone who could squeeze even one more drop out of the lemon would win the money.  Over the years many people had tried this, truck drivers, weightlifters and all had failed. Then one day this frail little fella with heavy rimmed spectacles came into the bar and asked if he could try the challenge.  After the laughter had subsided the owner said that it was only fair that the man be given a chance at the bet, so he picked up a lemon and started squeezing. Once he was done he handed the remains to the little man who promptly squeezed out 4 more drops of juice onto the bar.  Everyone looked on in amazement as the owner handed over the prize and asked, "What do you do for a living that has given you such strength? Are you a lumberjack, weightlifter, what?"  "No" the man replied, "I work for the IRS."

Today’s Thought

I wanted to live the simple life, but figuring it out proved too complex.