THINGS YOU DON’T WANT TO HEAR DURING SURGERY
- Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
- Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
- Hand me that... uh... that uh... thingie
- Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.
- Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500 ml of this stuff before?
- There go the lights again...
- Ya' know...there's big money in kidneys...and this guy's got two of 'em.
- Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
- What's this doing here?
- Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.
- Sterile, shcmerle. The floor's clean, right?
- Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.
+++++
"Penny for your thoughts"
One night a wife found her husband standing over their baby's crib. Silently she watched him.
As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, skepticism.
Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arm around her husband. "A penny for your thoughts," she said.
"It's amazing!" he replied. "I just can't see how anybody can make a crib like that for only $46.50."
+++++
A preacher finished the service one morning by saying, "Next Sunday, I am going to preach on the subject of liars. As a preparation for my sermon, I would like you all to read Mark 17."On the following Sunday, the preacher rose to begin. Looking out at the congregation he said, "Last week I asked you all to read Mark 17. If you have read the chapter, please raise your hand."Nearly every hand in the congregation went up. Smiling, the preacher said, "You are the very people I want to talk to. Mark has only 16 chapters."
+++++
YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2009 when...
1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen
8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.
10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.
11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )
12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.
+++++
Two crows were sitting on a fence amazed at how fast a jet with smoke pouring out the back was going.
First crow: Man, look how fast that guy is going.
Second crow: You'd fly that fast too if your tail was on fire!
Friday, January 23, 2009
Friday, January 16, 2009
Friday's Funnies
Senior moment:
"WHERE is my SUNDAY paper?!" The irate customer calling the newspaper office loudly demanded, wanting to know where her Sunday edition was.
"Madam", said the newspaper employee, "today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered until tomorrow, on SUNDAY".
There was quite a long pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition as she was heard to mutter,
"Well, shoot... so that's why no one was at church today".
+++++
Only a Mom would know . . . One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me. I was maybe 21/2 years old and had just recovered from an accident. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it wasone of my favorite toys. Daddy was in the living room engrossed in theevening news when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was justwater. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea,my Mom came home.My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup oftea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' My Mom waited, and sureenough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and shewatches him drink it up. Then she says, 'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she canreach to get water is the toilet?
+++++
A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The man walked up to her car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?"
"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"
"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back, which have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $100 for your trouble."
"I'd be happy to," said the blonde. So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went.
Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified!! There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd.
With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde. "What the heck are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo."
"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde," but we had money left over--- so now we're going to Sea World."
+++++
WOULD YOU REMARRY??
A Husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks THE question.....
WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again? HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?" HUSBAND: "Of course I do."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?" HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look) HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)
WIFE: "Would you live in our house?" HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."
WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?" HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?" HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."
WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?" HUSBAND: "That would seem like the
proper thing to do"
WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?" HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."
WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you? HUSBAND: "Yes, those are always good times."
WIFE: "Would she use my clubs? HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."
WIFE: silence
HUSBAND: "Whoops!"
"WHERE is my SUNDAY paper?!" The irate customer calling the newspaper office loudly demanded, wanting to know where her Sunday edition was.
"Madam", said the newspaper employee, "today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered until tomorrow, on SUNDAY".
There was quite a long pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition as she was heard to mutter,
"Well, shoot... so that's why no one was at church today".
+++++
Only a Mom would know . . . One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me. I was maybe 21/2 years old and had just recovered from an accident. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it wasone of my favorite toys. Daddy was in the living room engrossed in theevening news when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was justwater. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea,my Mom came home.My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup oftea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' My Mom waited, and sureenough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and shewatches him drink it up. Then she says, 'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she canreach to get water is the toilet?
+++++
A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The man walked up to her car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?"
"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"
"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back, which have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $100 for your trouble."
"I'd be happy to," said the blonde. So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went.
Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified!! There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd.
With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde. "What the heck are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo."
"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde," but we had money left over--- so now we're going to Sea World."
+++++
WOULD YOU REMARRY??
A Husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks THE question.....
WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again? HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?" HUSBAND: "Of course I do."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?" HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look) HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)
WIFE: "Would you live in our house?" HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."
WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?" HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?" HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."
WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?" HUSBAND: "That would seem like the
proper thing to do"
WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?" HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."
WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you? HUSBAND: "Yes, those are always good times."
WIFE: "Would she use my clubs? HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."
WIFE: silence
HUSBAND: "Whoops!"
Friday, January 9, 2009
Friday's Funnies
If biblical headlines were written by today's liberal media...
On the Red Sea crossing: WETLANDS TRAMPLED IN LABOR STRIKE Pursuing Environmentalists Killed
On David vs. Goliath: HATE CRIME KILLS BELOVED CHAMPION Psychologist Questions Influence of Rock
On Elijah on Mt. Carmel: FIRE SENDS RELIGIOUS RIGHT EXTREMIST INTO FRENZY 400 Killed
On the birth of Christ: HOTELS FULL, ANIMALS LEFT HOMELESS Animal Rights Activists Enraged by Insensitive Couple
On feeding the 5,000: PREACHER STEALS CHILD'S LUNCH Disciples Mystified Over Behavior
On healing the 10 lepers: LOCAL DOCTOR'S PRACTICE RUINED "Faith Healer" Causes Bankruptcy
On healing of the Gadarene demoniac: MADMAN'S FRIEND CAUSES STAMPEDE Local Farmer's Investment Lost
On raising Lazarus from the dead: FUNDAMENTALIST PREACHER RAISES A STINK Will Reading to be Delayed
+++++
Passing the Test
Two paramedics were dispatched to check on a 92-year-old man who had become disoriented. They decided to take him to the hospital for evaluation. En route, with the siren blaring, they questioned the man to determine his level of awareness. Leaning close, one asked, "Sir, do you know what we're doing right now?" The old man slowly looked up at him and then gazed out the ambulance window. "Oh," he replied, "I'd say about 50, maybe 55."
God's Address
During "children's time" in the worship service, the kids came forward and the pastor, wanting to teach about prayer, asked, "How can we talk with God?" The pastor produced paper and envelope and said, "Maybe we can write God a letter. Does anyone know God's address?" The group said no. Then the pastor pulled out his cell phone and said, "Maybe we can telephone God. Does anyone know God's phone number?" The response was again negative. Then the pastor displayed his lap top computer and said, "Maybe we can send God an e-mail!" A little five-year-old perked up and enthusiastically said, "Yeah, try www-dot-God-dot-com!"
Now, Wait
Whenever my aunt went to the doctor, she would complain to me about the long delay she always endured. One day, when my aunt's name was finally called, she was asked to step on the scale. "I need to get your weight today," said the nurse. Without a moment's hesitation, my aunt replied, "One hour and 45 minutes!"
+++++
When a panel of medical professionals was asked their opinion on the proposed Universal Health Care program, here's what they had to say:
The Allergists voted to scratch it, and the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.
The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, while the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve, and the Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception.
The Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted; the Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!", while the Pediatricians thought it was childish.
The Psychiatrists considered the whole idea "madness", the Radiologists could see right through it, and the Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.
The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, while the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter."
The Podiatrists didn't want to foot the bill, and the Urologists felt the scheme wouldn't hold water. But the Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
Finally, the Nurses needled their supervisors about it as the Orderlies called for starting over with a clean sheet.
+++++
"Helping out"
One day a housework-challenged husband decided to wash his own sweatshirt.
Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to his wife, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," she replied. "What does it say on your sweatshirt?"
He yelled back, "Nike."
+++++
Confucius asks:
"If a train station is where the train stops, and a bus station is where the bus stops, what is a work station?"
On the Red Sea crossing: WETLANDS TRAMPLED IN LABOR STRIKE Pursuing Environmentalists Killed
On David vs. Goliath: HATE CRIME KILLS BELOVED CHAMPION Psychologist Questions Influence of Rock
On Elijah on Mt. Carmel: FIRE SENDS RELIGIOUS RIGHT EXTREMIST INTO FRENZY 400 Killed
On the birth of Christ: HOTELS FULL, ANIMALS LEFT HOMELESS Animal Rights Activists Enraged by Insensitive Couple
On feeding the 5,000: PREACHER STEALS CHILD'S LUNCH Disciples Mystified Over Behavior
On healing the 10 lepers: LOCAL DOCTOR'S PRACTICE RUINED "Faith Healer" Causes Bankruptcy
On healing of the Gadarene demoniac: MADMAN'S FRIEND CAUSES STAMPEDE Local Farmer's Investment Lost
On raising Lazarus from the dead: FUNDAMENTALIST PREACHER RAISES A STINK Will Reading to be Delayed
+++++
Passing the Test
Two paramedics were dispatched to check on a 92-year-old man who had become disoriented. They decided to take him to the hospital for evaluation. En route, with the siren blaring, they questioned the man to determine his level of awareness. Leaning close, one asked, "Sir, do you know what we're doing right now?" The old man slowly looked up at him and then gazed out the ambulance window. "Oh," he replied, "I'd say about 50, maybe 55."
God's Address
During "children's time" in the worship service, the kids came forward and the pastor, wanting to teach about prayer, asked, "How can we talk with God?" The pastor produced paper and envelope and said, "Maybe we can write God a letter. Does anyone know God's address?" The group said no. Then the pastor pulled out his cell phone and said, "Maybe we can telephone God. Does anyone know God's phone number?" The response was again negative. Then the pastor displayed his lap top computer and said, "Maybe we can send God an e-mail!" A little five-year-old perked up and enthusiastically said, "Yeah, try www-dot-God-dot-com!"
Now, Wait
Whenever my aunt went to the doctor, she would complain to me about the long delay she always endured. One day, when my aunt's name was finally called, she was asked to step on the scale. "I need to get your weight today," said the nurse. Without a moment's hesitation, my aunt replied, "One hour and 45 minutes!"
+++++
When a panel of medical professionals was asked their opinion on the proposed Universal Health Care program, here's what they had to say:
The Allergists voted to scratch it, and the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.
The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, while the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve, and the Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception.
The Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted; the Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!", while the Pediatricians thought it was childish.
The Psychiatrists considered the whole idea "madness", the Radiologists could see right through it, and the Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.
The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, while the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter."
The Podiatrists didn't want to foot the bill, and the Urologists felt the scheme wouldn't hold water. But the Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
Finally, the Nurses needled their supervisors about it as the Orderlies called for starting over with a clean sheet.
+++++
"Helping out"
One day a housework-challenged husband decided to wash his own sweatshirt.
Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to his wife, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," she replied. "What does it say on your sweatshirt?"
He yelled back, "Nike."
+++++
Confucius asks:
"If a train station is where the train stops, and a bus station is where the bus stops, what is a work station?"
Friday, January 2, 2009
Friday's Funnies
New Year's Goals
When I returned home from college for a break, I noticed a paper posted on the refrigerator. It listed some goals my dad had set for himself: Help wife more; lose weight; be more productive at work. I promptly added: "Send Michelle money every month." A few days later my brother wrote: "Make payments on car for Jason." Then my boyfriend joined in with: "Buy Tom a Jeep." Finally my father added a new goal to his amended list: "Wean kids."
New Year's Day Prayer
"Dear Lord, So far this year I've done well. I haven't gossiped, I haven't lost my temper, I haven't been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish, or overindulgent. I'm very thankful for that. But in a few minutes, Lord, I'm going to get out of bed, and from then on I'm probably going to need a lot more help. Amen."
Top Five New Year Resolutions
· I resolve to work with neglected children (my own).
· When I hear a funny joke I will not reply, "LOL... LOL!"
· I will balance my checkbook (on my nose).
· I will try to figure out why I "really" need 11 e-mail addresses.
· I will find out why the correspondence course on "Mail Fraud" that I purchased never showed up
New Year's Resolution History (#1)
· 2005: I will read at least 20 good books a year.
· 2006: I will read at least 10 books a year.
· 2007: I will read 5 books a year.
· 2008: I will read some articles in the newspaper this year.
· 2009: I will try and finish the comics section this year.
New Year's Resolution History (#2)
· 2005: I will get my weight down below 170.
· 2006: I will watch my calories until my weight is below 200.
· 2007: I will follow my new diet until I get below 220.
· 2008: I will work out once a week.
· 2009: I will drive past a gym at least once a week.
New Year's Resolution History (#3)
· 2005: I will pay off my bank loan promptly.
· 2006: I will pay off my bank loans promptly.
· 2007: I will be totally out of debt by next year.
· 2008: I will try to pay off the debt interest by next year.
· 2009: I will try to be out of the country by next year.
After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holiday away from school. One child wrote the
following:
We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live in a big brick house but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Florida. Now they live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass.
They ride around on their bicycles and wear name tags because they don't know who they are anymore. They go to a building called a wrecked center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now, they do exercises there, but they don't do them very well.
There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with hats on. At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out and go cruising in their golf carts. Nobody there cooks, they just eat out.
And, they eat the same thing every night -- early birds.
Some of the people can't get out past the man in the doll house. The ones who do get out bring food back to the wrecked center for pot luck.
My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too. When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out, so they can visit their grandchildren.
+++++
Christmas was over. Santa and his reindeer finally had a chance to rest. And they deserved it. They had done a good job.
Rudolph had a chance to do something he had wanted to do for a long time. He made an appointment with a plastic surgeon because he was so sensitive about his looks. However, it wasn't his glowing proboscis that he wanted changed.
He was proud of his nose and the help he had given Santa because of it. No, he was sensitive about his long ears, which were much more prominent than the ears of the average reindeer, or bear for that matter.
So one week after Christmas, he let the good doctor do the pinna reconstructive surgery procedure, and since that time, January 1st has been celebrated as New Ears Day.
Happy New Ears Day!
When I returned home from college for a break, I noticed a paper posted on the refrigerator. It listed some goals my dad had set for himself: Help wife more; lose weight; be more productive at work. I promptly added: "Send Michelle money every month." A few days later my brother wrote: "Make payments on car for Jason." Then my boyfriend joined in with: "Buy Tom a Jeep." Finally my father added a new goal to his amended list: "Wean kids."
New Year's Day Prayer
"Dear Lord, So far this year I've done well. I haven't gossiped, I haven't lost my temper, I haven't been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish, or overindulgent. I'm very thankful for that. But in a few minutes, Lord, I'm going to get out of bed, and from then on I'm probably going to need a lot more help. Amen."
Top Five New Year Resolutions
· I resolve to work with neglected children (my own).
· When I hear a funny joke I will not reply, "LOL... LOL!"
· I will balance my checkbook (on my nose).
· I will try to figure out why I "really" need 11 e-mail addresses.
· I will find out why the correspondence course on "Mail Fraud" that I purchased never showed up
New Year's Resolution History (#1)
· 2005: I will read at least 20 good books a year.
· 2006: I will read at least 10 books a year.
· 2007: I will read 5 books a year.
· 2008: I will read some articles in the newspaper this year.
· 2009: I will try and finish the comics section this year.
New Year's Resolution History (#2)
· 2005: I will get my weight down below 170.
· 2006: I will watch my calories until my weight is below 200.
· 2007: I will follow my new diet until I get below 220.
· 2008: I will work out once a week.
· 2009: I will drive past a gym at least once a week.
New Year's Resolution History (#3)
· 2005: I will pay off my bank loan promptly.
· 2006: I will pay off my bank loans promptly.
· 2007: I will be totally out of debt by next year.
· 2008: I will try to pay off the debt interest by next year.
· 2009: I will try to be out of the country by next year.
After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holiday away from school. One child wrote the
following:
We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live in a big brick house but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Florida. Now they live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass.
They ride around on their bicycles and wear name tags because they don't know who they are anymore. They go to a building called a wrecked center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now, they do exercises there, but they don't do them very well.
There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with hats on. At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out and go cruising in their golf carts. Nobody there cooks, they just eat out.
And, they eat the same thing every night -- early birds.
Some of the people can't get out past the man in the doll house. The ones who do get out bring food back to the wrecked center for pot luck.
My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too. When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out, so they can visit their grandchildren.
+++++
Christmas was over. Santa and his reindeer finally had a chance to rest. And they deserved it. They had done a good job.
Rudolph had a chance to do something he had wanted to do for a long time. He made an appointment with a plastic surgeon because he was so sensitive about his looks. However, it wasn't his glowing proboscis that he wanted changed.
He was proud of his nose and the help he had given Santa because of it. No, he was sensitive about his long ears, which were much more prominent than the ears of the average reindeer, or bear for that matter.
So one week after Christmas, he let the good doctor do the pinna reconstructive surgery procedure, and since that time, January 1st has been celebrated as New Ears Day.
Happy New Ears Day!
Friday, December 26, 2008
Friday's Funnies
Twelve Things You Can Do With A Christmas Fruitcake
1. Paint a few white and place them outside on the grass so people won't park on your lawn.
2. Use it as building material. (This is actually what the Ancient Egyptians used to build the Great Pyramids.)
3. Keep one under your pillow for home defense.
4. Send one to the junk mail company with a note asking them to take you off their list.
5. It's colorful; use it as a Yule Log.
6. Carve the Presidents' faces in it and submit as a science or art project.
7. Give one to your boss and tell him it's a life preserver.
8. Use it as a base for flower arrangements.
9. Donate to the local airport for use as airliner wheel blocks.
10. Grind a few up and give it back to your in-laws in a bag marked "lawn fertilizer."
11. For a community project, sink a few in the ocean and build an artificial reef.
12. Tie one to each foot when you walk through deep snow to keep your feet dry.
+++++
'Twas the week after Christmas, and all through the house
Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.
The cookies I'd nibbled, the eggnog I'd taste
At the holiday parties had gone to my waist.
When I got on the scales there arose such a number!
When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber).
I'd remember the marvelous meals I'd prepared;
The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared,
The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese
And the way I'd never said, "No thank you, please."
As I dressed myself in my husband's old shirt
And prepared once again to do battle with dirt
I said to myself, as I only can
"You can't spend spring disguised as a man!"
So away with the last of the sour cream dip,
Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip
Every last bit of food that I like must be banished
"Till all the additional ounces have vanished.
I won't have a cookie - not even a lick.
I'll want only to chew on a long celery stick.
I won't have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie,
I'll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.
I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is a bore
But isn't that what January is for?
Unable to giggle, no longer a riot.
Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!
~Author Unknown~
1. Paint a few white and place them outside on the grass so people won't park on your lawn.
2. Use it as building material. (This is actually what the Ancient Egyptians used to build the Great Pyramids.)
3. Keep one under your pillow for home defense.
4. Send one to the junk mail company with a note asking them to take you off their list.
5. It's colorful; use it as a Yule Log.
6. Carve the Presidents' faces in it and submit as a science or art project.
7. Give one to your boss and tell him it's a life preserver.
8. Use it as a base for flower arrangements.
9. Donate to the local airport for use as airliner wheel blocks.
10. Grind a few up and give it back to your in-laws in a bag marked "lawn fertilizer."
11. For a community project, sink a few in the ocean and build an artificial reef.
12. Tie one to each foot when you walk through deep snow to keep your feet dry.
+++++
'Twas the week after Christmas, and all through the house
Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.
The cookies I'd nibbled, the eggnog I'd taste
At the holiday parties had gone to my waist.
When I got on the scales there arose such a number!
When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber).
I'd remember the marvelous meals I'd prepared;
The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared,
The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese
And the way I'd never said, "No thank you, please."
As I dressed myself in my husband's old shirt
And prepared once again to do battle with dirt
I said to myself, as I only can
"You can't spend spring disguised as a man!"
So away with the last of the sour cream dip,
Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip
Every last bit of food that I like must be banished
"Till all the additional ounces have vanished.
I won't have a cookie - not even a lick.
I'll want only to chew on a long celery stick.
I won't have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie,
I'll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.
I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is a bore
But isn't that what January is for?
Unable to giggle, no longer a riot.
Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!
~Author Unknown~
Friday, December 19, 2008
Friday's Funnies
PERFORMANCE REVIEWS
Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom.....and has started to dig."
"His men would follow him anywhere...but only out of morbid curiosity."
"This employee is really not so much of a 'has-been', but more of a definite 'won't be'."
"Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."
"He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."
+++++
"Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait." - A. Whitney Brown
"When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would only play with each other." - Rita Rudner
"I don't know what's wrong with my television set. I was getting C-Span and the Home Shopping Network on the same station. I actually bought a congressman." - Bruce Baum
"USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population." - David Letterman
"If God doesn't destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom and Gomorrah an apology." - Jay Leno
+++++
BLIND MAN IN A BIKER BAR
A blind man wanders into an all Girls Biker Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a barstool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for awhile, he yells to the waiter, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?' The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it's only fair, given that you're blind, that you should know five things:
1) The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2) The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3) I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4) The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
5) The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously Mister - do you still wanna tell that joke?
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, 'No - not if I'm going to have to explain it five times!'
+++++
Bottle of wine
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them are hurt. God works in mysterious ways.
After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling about women drivers.
The woman says, 'So, you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should be friends and live in peace for the rest of our days'.
Flattered, the man replies, 'Oh yes, I agree completely, this must be a sign from God! But you're still at fault...women shouldn't be allowed to drive.'
The woman continues, 'And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.'
She hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle, puts the cap back on and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, 'Aren't you having any?'
The woman replies, 'No. I think I'll just wait for the police....'
+++++
RIGHT CLICK
Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Desktop."
Customer: "Ok."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"
Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote click'.
Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom.....and has started to dig."
"His men would follow him anywhere...but only out of morbid curiosity."
"This employee is really not so much of a 'has-been', but more of a definite 'won't be'."
"Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."
"He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."
+++++
"Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait." - A. Whitney Brown
"When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would only play with each other." - Rita Rudner
"I don't know what's wrong with my television set. I was getting C-Span and the Home Shopping Network on the same station. I actually bought a congressman." - Bruce Baum
"USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population." - David Letterman
"If God doesn't destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom and Gomorrah an apology." - Jay Leno
+++++
BLIND MAN IN A BIKER BAR
A blind man wanders into an all Girls Biker Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a barstool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for awhile, he yells to the waiter, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?' The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it's only fair, given that you're blind, that you should know five things:
1) The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2) The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3) I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4) The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
5) The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously Mister - do you still wanna tell that joke?
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, 'No - not if I'm going to have to explain it five times!'
+++++
Bottle of wine
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them are hurt. God works in mysterious ways.
After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling about women drivers.
The woman says, 'So, you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should be friends and live in peace for the rest of our days'.
Flattered, the man replies, 'Oh yes, I agree completely, this must be a sign from God! But you're still at fault...women shouldn't be allowed to drive.'
The woman continues, 'And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.'
She hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle, puts the cap back on and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, 'Aren't you having any?'
The woman replies, 'No. I think I'll just wait for the police....'
+++++
RIGHT CLICK
Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Desktop."
Customer: "Ok."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"
Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote click'.
Friday, December 5, 2008
Friday's Funnies
Bank Name
Mother decided that 10-year-old Cathy should get something "practical" for her birthday. "Suppose we open a savings account for you?" Mother suggested. Cathy was delighted. "It's your account, darling," Mother said as they arrived at the bank, "so you fill out the application." Cathy was doing fine until she came to the space for "Name of your former bank." After a slight hesitation, she put down "Piggy."
Answer To Prayer
My brother took his grandson deer hunting when he was small. He told him that they needed to say a prayer before they started and ask God to send the deer. After being on the deer stand for a couple of hours, his grandson looked over at him and said, "Paw-Paw, God just told me the deer aren't coming today, so we can go home now."
Why, Why, Why?
· Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are almost dead? · Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they already know there is not enough money?
· Why do people believe you when you say there are four billion stars; but have to check when you say the paint is still wet?
· Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
· Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
· Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
· Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
· Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
· Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
· Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
· Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock over something else?
· In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
· How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
School Daze
My daughter's 5th-grade class had been studying astronomy. One morning at breakfast she announced, "On Friday we're having a quiz on the moon." That's when her little brother piped up, saying, "Are you gonna let her go, Mom?"
Teamwork
Parents are expected to participate in their children's education, and my friends were no exception. They gladly help their fifth-grade son, Andrew, whenever he's stumped. One day after school, Andrew ran into the house waving a paper in the air. "Hey, Mom, great news! There were only three mistakes on my math homework," he announced. "You made one, Dad made one and I made one!"
The Gift
A patient at the dental office where I was a receptionist stopped by my desk to pay her bill. She began rummaging through her purse, as so many patients did when they had a check to write. "Do you need a pen?" I asked, offering her the use of mine. "Yes, thank you," she replied. She took it, put it in her handbag and proceeded to pay in cash.
By Their Slogans Ye Shall Know Them
A class professor was giving a lecture on company slogans and was asking his students if they were familiar with them. "Joe," he asked, "which company has the slogan, 'come fly the friendly skies'?" Joe answered the correct airline. "Brenda, can you tell me which company has the slogan, "Don't leave home without it?" Brenda answered the correct credit card company with no difficulty. "Now, John, tell me who uses the slogan, 'Just do it'?" John thought for just a moment and answered, "Mom...."
You are a Lousy Cook if...
Your family automatically heads for the table every time they hear a fire alarm.
Anyone has ever broken a tooth eating your homemade yogurt.
Your kids know what "peas porridge in a pot nine days old" tastes like.
Your son goes outside to make mud pies, and the rest of the family grabs forks and follows him.
Your kids' favorite drink is Alka-Seltzer.
You have to buy 25 pounds of dog food twice a week for your toy poodle.
Your kids got even with the neighborhood bully by inviting him over for dinner.
Your husband refers to the smoke detector as the oven timer.
No matter what you do to it, the gravy still turns bright purple.
Math Symbols
While reviewing math symbols with my second-grade pupils, I drew a greater-than [ > ] and a less-than sign [ < ] on the chalkboard and asked, "Does anyone remember what these mean?" A few moments passed, and then a boy confidently raised his hand. "One means fast-forward," he exclaimed, "and the other means rewind!"
Mother decided that 10-year-old Cathy should get something "practical" for her birthday. "Suppose we open a savings account for you?" Mother suggested. Cathy was delighted. "It's your account, darling," Mother said as they arrived at the bank, "so you fill out the application." Cathy was doing fine until she came to the space for "Name of your former bank." After a slight hesitation, she put down "Piggy."
Answer To Prayer
My brother took his grandson deer hunting when he was small. He told him that they needed to say a prayer before they started and ask God to send the deer. After being on the deer stand for a couple of hours, his grandson looked over at him and said, "Paw-Paw, God just told me the deer aren't coming today, so we can go home now."
Why, Why, Why?
· Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are almost dead? · Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they already know there is not enough money?
· Why do people believe you when you say there are four billion stars; but have to check when you say the paint is still wet?
· Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
· Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
· Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
· Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
· Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
· Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
· Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
· Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock over something else?
· In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
· How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
School Daze
My daughter's 5th-grade class had been studying astronomy. One morning at breakfast she announced, "On Friday we're having a quiz on the moon." That's when her little brother piped up, saying, "Are you gonna let her go, Mom?"
Teamwork
Parents are expected to participate in their children's education, and my friends were no exception. They gladly help their fifth-grade son, Andrew, whenever he's stumped. One day after school, Andrew ran into the house waving a paper in the air. "Hey, Mom, great news! There were only three mistakes on my math homework," he announced. "You made one, Dad made one and I made one!"
The Gift
A patient at the dental office where I was a receptionist stopped by my desk to pay her bill. She began rummaging through her purse, as so many patients did when they had a check to write. "Do you need a pen?" I asked, offering her the use of mine. "Yes, thank you," she replied. She took it, put it in her handbag and proceeded to pay in cash.
By Their Slogans Ye Shall Know Them
A class professor was giving a lecture on company slogans and was asking his students if they were familiar with them. "Joe," he asked, "which company has the slogan, 'come fly the friendly skies'?" Joe answered the correct airline. "Brenda, can you tell me which company has the slogan, "Don't leave home without it?" Brenda answered the correct credit card company with no difficulty. "Now, John, tell me who uses the slogan, 'Just do it'?" John thought for just a moment and answered, "Mom...."
You are a Lousy Cook if...
Your family automatically heads for the table every time they hear a fire alarm.
Anyone has ever broken a tooth eating your homemade yogurt.
Your kids know what "peas porridge in a pot nine days old" tastes like.
Your son goes outside to make mud pies, and the rest of the family grabs forks and follows him.
Your kids' favorite drink is Alka-Seltzer.
You have to buy 25 pounds of dog food twice a week for your toy poodle.
Your kids got even with the neighborhood bully by inviting him over for dinner.
Your husband refers to the smoke detector as the oven timer.
No matter what you do to it, the gravy still turns bright purple.
Math Symbols
While reviewing math symbols with my second-grade pupils, I drew a greater-than [ > ] and a less-than sign [ < ] on the chalkboard and asked, "Does anyone remember what these mean?" A few moments passed, and then a boy confidently raised his hand. "One means fast-forward," he exclaimed, "and the other means rewind!"
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