Friday's Funnies

 

Goal

Weight loss goal: To be able to clip my toenails and breathe at the same time.

 

Emergency Call

An emergency call: "Come quick, my friend was bitten by a wolf!"
Operator: "Where?"
Caller: "No, a regular one!"

So True

The first five days after the weekend are the hardest.

Kids in Church

 

Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother Joel were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud during the service. Finally, his big sister had enough. "You're not supposed to talk out loud in church." "Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked indignantly. Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers!"

Word Plays

~ A man rushed into the doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."

~ Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. However, all the league records were unfortunately destroyed in a fire. Thus we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

~ There were three Native American squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin, and one slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant and the first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This goes to prove that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.

~ Back in the 1800's the Tates Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products and, since they already made the cases for pocket watches, decided to market compasses for the pioneers traveling west. It turned out that although their watches were of finest quality, their compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California. This, of course, is the origin of the expression, "He who has a Tates is lost!"

~ A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official, who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."

 

Lawyer's Son

 

The lawyer's son wanted to follow in his father's footsteps, so he went to law school and graduated with honors. Then he went home to join his father's firm. At the end of his first day at work, he rushed into his father's office and said, "Father, father! In one day I broke the Smith case that you've been working on for so long!" His father yelled, "You idiot! We've been living on the funding of that case for ten years!"

At A Restaurant

 

Waiter: I'm glad you enjoyed your dinner. How did you find the steak?

Me: Super easy. It was right next to the potatoes.

 

One-liners

 

Recessions are started by people who fear recessions.

If we can't understand what he's saying, he's not a genius.

As I said before, I never repeat myself.

If God wanted us to be thin, food wouldn't taste so good.

Golf is a lot like taxes. You drive hard to get to the green and end up in the hole.

The law is a rule to the fool, but a guide to the wise.

Smile! It increases your face value.

Never fear shadows... they simply mean there's a light shining somewhere nearby.

I'm so hungry, I could almost eat health food.

Positive anything is better than negative nothing.

A vacation is having nothing to do and all day to do it in.

Middle age is when you are warned to slow down by a doctor instead of a policeman.

A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.

It's just as much work to be normal as it is to be ourselves.

Dad Joke

 

My kids put together a PowerPoint presentation explaining why we should go to the water park...

It has several slides.

 

Today’s Thought

 

Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards... ...creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?

 

Friday's Funnies

 Leftovers

Three wives were bemoaning their husbands' attitudes towards leftovers: "It gets rough," one said. "My husband is a TV producer and he calls them reruns." "You think you have it bad," was the reply. "Mine is a quality control engineer and he calls them rejects!" "That's nothing compared to me," said the third lady. "My husband is a mortician. He calls them remains!"

Deceit Sermon

A couple of weeks after hearing a sermon on Psalms 51:2-4 (knowing my own hidden secrets) and Psalm 52:3-4 (lies and deceit), a man who had recently become a Christian wrote the following letter to the IRS:

"I have been unable to sleep, knowing that I have cheated on my income tax. I understated my taxable income last year and have enclosed a check for $1,150. If I still can't sleep, I will send the rest."

Baking

At breakfast one day, a young wife eagerly waited for her husband to comment on her first attempt at homemade cinnamon rolls. After several minutes with no reaction, she asked, "If I baked these commercially, how much do you think I could get for one of them?" Without looking up from his paper her husband replied, "About 10 years."

Getting Old

You know you’re getting old when you have to use a shopping cart at the pharmacy.

What!

Mom: "Eat your breakfast."
Son: "Why?"
Mom: "You want to grow up to be super smart, don't you?"
Son: "No. I want to grow up to be like daddy."

Cousin Elly

Cousin Elly, who happens to be blonde, is the world's worst at getting instructions mixed up. When she got married her husband bought her one of those fancy, electric coffee makers. It had all the latest gadgets on it. Salesman Riley carefully explained how everything worked; how to plug it in, add coffee and water, set the timer, go back to bed, and upon rising, the coffee is ready. A few weeks later Elly was back in the store and Riley asked her how she liked the coffee maker. "Wonderful!" she replied, "However, there's one thing I don't understand. Why do I have to go to bed every time I want to make a pot of coffee?"

Why?

1.           Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

2.           If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?

3.           If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?

4.           Why do we say something is out of : whack? What is a whack?

5.           Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?

6.           Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?

7.           Why do "tug" boats push their barges?

8.           Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?

9.           Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?

10.         Why is it called "after dark" when it really is : "after light"?

11.         Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?

12.         Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?

13.         Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean : opposite things?

Makes Sense Now

The older I get, the more I understand why roosters scream to start their day.

Oneliners

- The first Ten Commandments are the hardest.
- An expert is someone called in at the last minute to share the blame.
- If you solved the NY Times' Saturday crossword puzzle, you probably cheated.
- A word of advice... don't give it.
- If we made it illegal, do you think more people would vote?
- I am logged in... therefore, I am.
- A journey of a hundred miles starts with an argument over how to load the car.
- Justice is blind and in some cases... deaf and dumb.
- To belittle is to be little.
- Poverty is a condition with but one advantage, it doesn't take much to improve your lot.
- The first rule of tinkering is to save all the parts.
- I'm retiring in Mexico. Sunny, affordable and no predatory reverse mortgages.
- A pessimist is a man who looks both ways before crossing a one-way street.
- Once you pass 40, your "big break" will probably be a bone.
- Politics isn't about hunger or taxes or equality... it's about politics.
- Management's job is to keep 'em too busy to look for other jobs.
- Why are lawyers not sworn to tell the truth like all the witnesses in a jury trial?

Dad Joke

The person who invented the ferris wheel never met the person who invented the merry go round.

They traveled in different circles. 

Today’s Thought

Anyone who says their wedding was the best day of their life has clearly never had two candy bars fall down at once in a vending machine.

Friday's Funnies

 May The 4th Be With You!

- Did you hear that your local KFC will be celebrating Star Wars Day on May 4th with an Anakin special? It's an extra crispy chicken with no legs and only one wing.

- What happens if you celebrate Star Wars Day too hard tonight? Watch out for the revenge of the fifth.

- Did you hear about the girl who is still single on Star Wars Day? Apparently, she's been looking for love in Alderaan places.

- How to trigger a Star Wars fan on May 4th? Go Fourth and Prosper!

- What do you call a bubble tea party on Star Wars Day? A Boba Fete.

Daily Planet Budget Constraints 

Due to budget constraints, the Board of the Daily Planet advised Perry White that he had to let one of his star reporters go. He was really overwhelmed by the magnitude of the decision. "Who should go, Clark Kent or Lois Lane?" He actually did some praying, which he hadn't done for a long time. He asked, "Please, show me a sign." That afternoon he was doing some shopping at Walmart, and when he went to his car he suddenly saw the answer. The next day he called Clark and Lois into the office and said, "I'm sorry, Lois, but you have to go." After Lois collected her things and left, Clark took Perry aside and asked, "Chief, how did you know which one of us should go?" Perry said, "Well, that turned out to be easier than I thought. While I was parking at Walmart, I looked up and there was the sign: FIRE LANE."

Coffee Shop

A guy comes into a coffee shop and places his order: "I want 3 flat tires and a pair of headlights" The waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, goes to the kitchen and asks the cook, "This guy out there just ordered 3 flat tires and a pair of headlights. What does he think, this is an auto parts store?!" "No," the cook says, "3 flat tires means 3 pancakes and a pair of headlights is 2 eggs sunny side up."  "Oh," says the waitress.  The waitress thinks about this and then she spoons up a bowl of beans and gives it to the customer. The guy asks, "What are the beans for?" The waitress replies, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires and headlights, that you might want to gas up."

Take Your Pet To School Day

A little boy took his dog on a "take your pet to school" day. There were prizes for the smallest, the prettiest, the cutest, and the smartest pet. Determined that his dog win a prize, the boy put his pet through a whole series of tricks. Finally, the boy turned to the dog and asked, "Mindy, how much is two plus two minus four?" The dog sat quietly, making no sound, remaining still and silent. "Right!" exclaimed the boy. His dog won first prize.

Four People on an Airplane

A Sunday School teacher asked her class to draw pictures of their favorite Bible stories. She was puzzled by one drawing -- it showed four people on an airplane!

Teacher: "What Bible story is that?"

Kid: "It's the flight to Egypt."

Teacher: "I see ... and that must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus ... but who's the fourth person?"

Kid: "Oh, that's Pontius, the Pilot."

Leadership Memos

Memo from the company's Director General to Manager:

Today at 11 o'clock there will be a total eclipse of the sun. This is when the sun disappears behind the moon for two minutes. As this is something that cannot be seen every day, time will be allowed for employees to view the eclipse in the car park. Staff should meet in the car park at ten to eleven, when I will deliver a short speech introducing the eclipse, and giving some background information. Safety goggles will be made available at a small cost.

Memo from Manager to Department Head:

Today at ten to eleven, all staff should meet in the car park. This will be followed by a total eclipse of the sun, which will disappear for two minutes. For a moderate cost, this will be made safe with goggles.

The Director General will deliver a short speech beforehand to give us all some background information. This is not something that can be seen every day.

Memo from Department Head to Floor Manager:

The Director General will today deliver a short speech to make the sun disappear for two minutes in the eclipse. This is something that cannot be seen every day, so staff will meet in the car park at ten or eleven. This will be safe if you pay a moderate cost.

Memo From Floor Manager to Supervisor:

Ten or eleven staff are to go to the car park, where the Director General will eclipse the sun for two minutes. This doesn't happen every day. It will be safe, but it will cost you.

Memo from Supervisor to staff:

Some staff will go to the car park today to see the Director General disappear. It is a pity this doesn't happen every day.

Dad Joke

Horses have lower divorce rates. It's because they're in stable relationships.

Today’s Thought

The first person to hear a parrot talk was probably not okay for a few days.

Friday's Funnies

 Name Calling

 

I was the substitute principal at a local school when two boys who were fighting were brought to me. They were brothers. I asked what's the problem? The first answered, "He called me ugly!!" The second one said, "That was after you said I had a face like a frog!" I tried very hard not to laugh...they were identical twins!

Sold By The Dozen

Golf balls are like eggs...they are both white, sold by the dozen, and a week later you have to go out and buy more.

 

Definition Of Outdoor Barbecuing

When a man volunteers to do barbecue cooking, the following chain of events is put into motion:
1) The woman goes to the store. 
2) The woman fixes the salad, vegetables, and dessert. 
3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils, and takes it to the man, who is lounging beside the grill, drinking a cold beverage. 
4) The man places the meat on the grill. 
5) The woman goes inside to set the table and check the vegetables. 
6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. 
7) The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman. 
8) The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table. 
9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes. 
10) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.

 

South Dakota Farm

 

A Texas rancher, visiting a South Dakota farmer friend, asked him to show him his farm. After seeing the 1,000 acre spread, the Texan bragged that down home he could get into his car, drive all day, and by evening would not have gotten to the distant point of his ranch. The South Dakotan simply replied, "You know, I had a car like that once too."

 

The Wedding Dress

 

Betty was soon to be married. More than anything, she wanted to wear the wedding dress her mother was married in. Betty's mother was beaming with pride as she gave her consent. Later in the evening, the family gathered in the living room to wait while Betty tried on the dress. When Betty entered the room, there was a chorus of approval. The dress fit perfectly and looked wonderful on her. Tears ran down the face of Betty's mother. Seeing this, Betty said, "Don't worry Mom, you're not losing a daughter, your gaining a son." "Forget about that!" she said with a sob. "I used to fit into that dress!"

Opposites

 

A family had twin boys whose only resemblance to each other was their looks. If one felt it was too hot, the other thought it was too cold. If one said the TV was too loud, the other claimed the volume needed to be turned up. Opposite in every way, one was an eternal optimist, the other a doom and gloom pessimist. Just to see what would happen, on the twins' birthday their father loaded the pessimist's room with every imaginable toy and game. The optimist's room he loaded with horse manure. That night the father passed by the pessimist's room and found him sitting amid his new gifts crying bitterly. "Why are you crying?" the father asked. "Because my friends will be jealous, I'll have to read all these instructions before I can do anything with this stuff, I'll constantly need batteries, and my toys will eventually get broken," answered the pessimist twin. Passing the optimist twin's room, the father found him dancing for joy in the pile of manure. "What are you so happy about?" he asked. To which his optimist twin replied, "Look at all this manure! There's got to be a pony in here somewhere!"

 

A Drunk on the Bus

 

A drunk that smelled like a brewery got on a bus one day. He sat down next to a priest. The drunk's shirt was stained, his face was full of bright red lipstick and he had a half-empty bottle of wine sticking out of his pocket. He opened his newspaper and started reading. A couple minutes later, he asked the priest, "Father, what causes arthritis?" "Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and contempt for your fellow man," the priest replied. "Imagine that," the drunk muttered. He returned to reading his paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, turned to the man and apologized: "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?" "I don't have arthritis, Father," the drunk said, "but I just read in the paper that the Pope does!"

 

The Talk

 

A father decided it was time to have "the talk" with his ten-year-old son.  Sitting the boy down, he thought it best to first find out what his son might already know. So he asked his son if he knew about "the birds and the bees". "I don't want to know," his son replied, bursting into tears. "Promise you won't tell me.  Please!" Confused by this reaction, the father asked his son what was wrong. "Oh dad", the boy replied, in between sobs, "when I was six, I got the 'there’s no Santa' speech. At seven I got the 'there’s no Easter bunny' speech.  When I was eight, you hit me with 'there's no Tooth Fairy' speech. If you are going to tell me now there's no such things as birds and bees I don't know what I will do!"

Sunday Paper

 

The irate customer calling the newspaper office loudly demanded to know where her Sunday edition was. "Ma'am," said the employee, "today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered until Sunday." There was a long pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition.  "I'll bet that's why no one was in church today too."

 

Dad Joke

 

You really should try archery while blindfolded. You don't know what you're missing.

Today’s Though

The first rule of passive aggressive club is...You know what, never mind. It’s fine.

Friday's Funnies

 Tax Sayings

- For every tax problem there is a solution which is straightforward, uncomplicated, and wrong.

- A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

- Ever wonder how Form 1040 got its name? For every $50 you earn, you get $10, they get $40.

- Some say that nobody should keep too much to themselves. The IRS feels the exact same way.

- Welcome to the Accounting department, where everybody counts.

- Accountants never die, they just get depreciated.

- They say there are 3 types of accountants. Those who can count, and those who can't.

Farmer

A farmer walks into a hardware store and asks for a chainsaw that can cut down 6 trees in one hour. The salesman recommends the top-of-the-line model. The farmer is suitably impressed and buys it. The next day he brings it back, complaining that it would only cut down 1 tree and it took ALL DAY! The salesman takes the chain saw, starts it up to see what's wrong, and the farmer says, “What's that noise?”

Math Dyslexia

A worker returned from his visit to the doctor and a colleague asked him how he made out. "Not bad. The doctor told me that I have math dyslexia." The other fellow said, "Gee, that sounds bad." "Actually, the Doctor told me not to worry, because 17 out of 5 people have it."

Useful Words That Ought To Exist

1) Begathon - Fundraising drive on public television or radio.
2) Cheedle - Residue on your fingers after eating Cheetos.
3) Crummox - Cereal bits in the bottom of the bag.
4) Fenderberg - Deposits of snow and ice that accumulate around your tires under the fender.
5) Flopcorn - Unpopped kernels at the bottom of the microwave bag.

Medical Problem

A woman was having a medical problem - her husband snoring. So she called the doctor one morning and asked him if there was anything he could do to relieve her "suffering." "Well, there is one operation I can perform that will cure your husband, but it is really rather expensive. It will cost $18000 down, and payments of $3000 for 24 months, plus payments for extras." "Wow!" the woman exclaimed, "sounds like leasing a new sports car!" "Hmmm," the doctor murmured, "too obvious, huh?"

 

Confused

I don't have a train of thought. I have seven trains on four tracks that narrowly avoid each other when the paths cross and all the conductors scream at each other.

How To Keep A Healthy Level Of Crazy In The Workplace

1. Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice)
2. Ask people to call you "Captain."
3. Put up mosquito netting around your cubicle.
4. Put a chair facing the printer, sit there all day, and tell people you're waiting for your document.
5. Arrive at a meeting late, say you're sorry, but you didn't have time for lunch, and you're going to be nibbling during the meeting. During the meeting eat five entire raw potatoes.
6. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want fries with that.
7. Put your garbage can on your desk. Label it "IN."
8. Send email messages saying "free pizza, free donuts in the lunchroom." When people complain that there was none, lean back, pat your stomach, and say, "Oh, you've got to be faster than that."
9. Put decaf in the coffeemaker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

Thank Goodness!

You have 2 minutes to live but every time you breathe it resets the timer.

 

Jerry Seinfeld Quotes

- If airline seat cushions are such great flotation devices, why don't you ever see anyone take one to the beach?

- Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.

- Having a 2 year old is like having a blender that you don't have the top for.

- Responsible, who wants to be responsible? Whenever something bad happens, it's always, who's responsible for this?

- Let's examine the dog mind: Every time you come home, he thinks it's amazing. He can't believe that you've accomplished this again. You walk in the door. The joy of it almost kills him. "He's back again! It's that guy! It's that guy!"

- Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want music in the shower? I guess there's no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door.

- I will never understand why they cook on TV. I can't smell it. Can't eat it. Can't taste it. The end of the show they hold it up to the camera, 'Well, here it is. You can't have any. Thanks for watching. Goodbye.'

Dad Joke

I took my new girlfriend out on our first date to the ice rink, and entry was half price.

She called me a cheap skate.

Today’s Thought

I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up, or is there a number to call?

Friday's Funnies

 A Large Order

A customer sent a large order to a distributor. The distributor noticed that the previous bill hadn't been paid so they sent a message: "We can't ship your new order until you pay for the last one." The next day the reply came: "Please cancel the order. We can't wait that long."

 

Deposit With a Whisper

One day a young man went up to the teller window at the bank and whispered, "Please deposit hundred dollars in my savings account." The teller handled the transaction and whispered back, "Have a good day." He started to leave but changed his mind. "I'm sorry we have to whisper," he said, "but if my car knows I've deposited money, it'll break down again." With his finger to his lips he tiptoed out.

 

How Old Are You?

When a new child visited our Sunday school, the teacher greeted him and asked his age. The little boy held up four fingers. "Oh, you're four," said the teacher. "And when will you be 5?" The child stared at her and after a few seconds replied, "When I hold up the other finger."

 

Speeding Ticket

A police officer pulled a guy over for speeding and had the following exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver's license?

Driver: I don't have one.  I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI (Driving Under the Influence).

Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?

Driver: It's not my car.  I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen?

Driver: That's right.  But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?

Driver: Yes sir.  That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?

Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by more police cars, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation.

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?

Driver: Sure.  Here it is.

It was valid.

Captain: Who's car is this?

Driver: It's mine, officer.  Here's the registration.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?

Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.

Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk?  I was told you said there's a body in it.

Driver: No problem.

The trunk was opened; no body.

Captain: I don't understand it.  The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.

Driver: Yeah, I'll bet he told you I was speeding, too.

 

Bill Murray Quotes

- Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you're donating blood.

- Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.
- Just beat my record for most consecutive days without dying.
- Friendship is so weird. You just pick a human you've met and you're like, 'Yep, I like this one,' and you just do stuff with them.
- Disneyland. The world's biggest people trap, built by a mouse.
- I'm not an alcoholic, I only drink two times a year. When it's my birthday, and when it's not my birthday.
- You can tell how boring a person is by the lack of fear in their eyes when someone is flipping through photos on their phone.
- My iPhone has 2 million times the storage of the 1969 Apollo 11 computer. They went to the moon. I play Tetris.

King Arthur’s Unknown Knights

It is a little-known fact that King Arthur had more knights than is usually believed. They included:

~ Sir Face - the devastatingly handsome, but disappointingly shallow knight.

~ Sir Pass – Arthur's best knight of all.

~ Sir Port - a great help to all the other knights.

~ Sir Prise – the knight who could always be relied on to do the unexpected.

~ Sir Vey – a watchful knight.

~ Sir Cuitous  - a knight who approached his duties in a roundabout way.

~ Sir Pose - a knight who stands by wild predictions.

~ Sir Cumvent – the evasive knight.

~ Sir Reen – a calm and cheerful knight.

~ Sir Spicious – a paranoid knight.

~ Sir Real – a vague and insubstantial knight.

~ Sir Cumstances – a knight whose fault it never was.

~ Sir Cumference - invented the round table.

~ Sir Plus - that extra knight.

~ Sir Cumference - the obese knight.

 

Dad Joke

I've started a business building yachts in my attic. Sails are going through the roof.

 

Today’s Thought

Wouldn't it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for 10 minutes and come out wrinkle free and 3 sizes smaller?

Friday's Funnies

 Things I'm Great At

- Forgetting someone's name ten seconds after they tell me.

- Buying produce...and throwing it away two weeks later.
- Digging through the trash for the food box I just tossed, because I already forgot the directions.
- Making plans. And then immediately regretting making plans.
- Leaving laundry in the dryer until it wrinkles. Then turning on the dryer to remove the wrinkles. Then forgetting it again.
- Calculating how much sleep I'll get if I can just "fall asleep right now."

Wife’s Birthday

It was my wife's birthday and she rang me to see what time I would be home. "Can't talk," I said, "I'm driving." "Where are you?" she asked. She wasn't happy when I said the 7th tee.

Parking Sign

Frog Parking Only. All others will be toad.

Waiter!

A waiter places a warm cup in front of the gentleman. The gentleman takes a sip and spits it out. He turns to the waiter and says, "Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud!" The waiter, looking surprised, turns to the gentleman and says, "But, sir, you asked for fresh ground!"

 

Anger Management

HUSBAND: When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?

WIFE: I clean the toilet.

HUSBAND: How does that help?

WIFE: I use your toothbrush.

 

Who Knew

It turns out when you're asked who your favorite child is, you're expected to pick one of your own.

 

Puns

- The Roman emperor's wife hates playing hide and seek, because wherever she goes, Julius Caesar.

- If you're being chased by a pack of taxidermists, whatever you do, don't play dead.
- I tried to steal some spaghetti, but the female guard saw me, and I couldn't get pasta.

- My friend Jon was going to a fancy dress party is an Italian island.  I told him, don't be Sicily.
- I'm not sure what you call a small spillage from a pen, but I have an inkling.
- My grandfather invented the cold air balloon, but it never really took off.
- I used to work in a shoe recycling shop… It was "sole destroying."
- When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she dye.

- Once you see in one shopping center, you seen a mall.

- It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.

- I'm a big fan of erasable whiteboards.  I find them quite remarkable.

- Yesterday, a clown held the door open for me.  It was such a nice jester.

- To become a vegetarian is a huge missed steak.

- The other day I tried to make a chemistry joke but got no reaction.

- It's funny, England doesn't have a kidney bank, but it has a Liverpool.

- Acupuncture is a jab well done.

- Is it true that when your clock is hungry, it goes back 4 seconds.

 

Failed Engine

Fifteen minutes into flight, the pilot announced: "Ladies and gentlemen, one of our engines has failed. There is nothing to worry about. Our flight will take an hour longer than scheduled, but we still have three engines left." Thirty minutes later the pilot announced: "One more engine has failed and the flight will take an additional two hours. But don't worry, we can fly just fine on two engines." An hour later the pilot announced: "One more engine has failed, and our arrival will be delayed another three hours. But don't worry, we still have one engine left." The guy in seat 17A turned to me and said, "If we lose one more engine, we'll be up here all day!"

 

Good Question

A little boy is gone to school one day and while he is gone, his cat is accidentally killed. His mother is very concerned about how he will take the news. Upon his arrival home, she explains the tragedy and tries to console the boy saying, "But don't worry, the cat is in heaven with God now." The boy replied, "What's God going to do with a dead cat?"

Waiting on the Doctor

If you have ever had to wait in a doctor's office for what it seems is like an eternity - you will appreciate this story. A doctor tells the story when he was having one of those days when he wondered whether he should have stayed in bed. He was running late on his appointments and had a headache. He got a surprise when he entered the next examining room. He opened the door with a little less than his usual enthusiasm only to find that his next patient had set him up. He had stretched out on the examining table, taken the sheet provided on the table and pulled it over his whole body and stuck a sign on his chest that simply stated: "TOO LATE!"

Dad Joke

Bread is a lot like the sun.

In what way?

It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist.

Didn't knead this today!

Today’s Thought

Sometimes I amaze myself with the stuff I say and do. Other times, I try to get out of the car with my seat belt on.