Friday's Funnies

Reassurance

"I'm so worried," the nervous patient said as the nurse plumped up his pillows. "Last week, I read about a man who was in the hospital because of heart trouble, and he died of malaria." "Relax," the nurse said smiling. "This is a first-rate hospital. When we treat someone for heart trouble, he dies of heart trouble."

Cleaning day

Saturday had always been “cleaning day” in at our house, and my mother still adhered to the ritual even after all her children had left the nest. When I stopped by to visit her one Saturday, I was surprised to find her relaxing in a favorite chair.  “Aren’t you feeling well?” I asked.  “I feel fine.”  “But you’re not cleaning.”  “After all these years I’ve finally figured out how to get it done in half the time,” Mom told me. “I simply take off my glasses.”

Great writer

I met an old University friend the other day, who in his youth had professed his desire to become a great writer.  When I asked him to define ‘great’, he had said: “I want to write stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level; stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!”  Just discovered he’s now working for Microsoft… writing error messages.

Lexiphiles (i.e., "lovers of words")

To write with a broken pencil is . . . Pointless.

When fish are in schools they sometimes . . . Take debate.

A thief who stole a calendar . . . Got twelve months.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles . . . U.C.L.A.

The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes . . . Was on shaky ground.

The batteries were given out . . . Free of charge.

A dentist and a manicurist married . . . They fought tooth and nail.

A will is a . . . Dead giveaway.

With her marriage, she got a new name . . . And a dress.

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you . . . A-flat miner.

You are stuck with your debt if . . . You can't budge it.

Local Area Network in Australia: . . . The LAN down under.

A boiled egg is . . . Hard to beat.

When you've seen one shopping center . . . You've seen a mall.

Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was . . . Resisting a rest.

Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off? . . . He's all right now.

If you take a laptop computer for a run you could . . . Jog your memory.

A bicycle can't stand alone . . . It is two tired.

In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism . . . it's your count that votes.

When a clock is hungry . . . It goes back four seconds.

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine . . . Was fully recovered.

He had a photographic memory . . . Which was never developed.

When she saw her first strands of gray hair . . . She thought she'd dye.

Acupuncture: . . . A jab well done.

Family problems

Two men met recently and struck up a conversation. One was telling the other about some problems he was having with one of his kids.

After a while the other guy said, "You think you have family problems? Get a load of my situation. A few years ago I met a young widow with a grown-up daughter and we got married. Later, my father married my stepdaughter. That made my stepdaughter my stepmother and my father became my stepson.

"Also, my wife became mother-in-law of her father-in-law. Then the daughter of my wife, my stepmother, had a son. This boy was my half-brother because he was my father's son, but he was also the son of my wife's daughter, which made him my wife's grandson. That made me grandfather of my half-brother.

"This was nothing until my wife and I had a son. Now the sister of my son, my mother-in-law, is also the grandmother. This makes my father the brother-in-law of my child, whose stepsister is my father's wife.

"I am my stepmother's brother-in-law, my wife is her own child's aunt, my son is my father's nephew and I am my own grandfather. Wow! You think you have family problems."

Today’s Thought

People are so worried about what they eat between Christmas and the New Year, but they really should be worried about what they eat between the New Year and Christmas.

Friday's Funnies

TOP TEN THINGS TO SAY ABOUT A CHRISTMAS GIFT YOU DON'T LIKE

10. Hey! There's a gift!

9. Well, well, well ...

8. Boy, if I had not recently shot up 4 sizes that would've fit.

7. This is perfect for wearing around the basement.

6. Gosh. I hope this never catches fire! It is fire season though. There are lots of unexplained fires.

5. If the dog buries it, I'll be furious!

4. I love it -- but I fear the jealousy it will inspire.

3. Sadly, tomorrow I enter the Federal Witness Protection Program.

2. To think -- I got this the year I vowed to give all my gifts to charity.

1. "I really don't deserve this."

Overheard

Figuring that her four-year-old son Kevin was listening in the next room, Janet decided to tell her husband Don the latest Christmas gift she had bought the boy by spelling out the words "fire truck." Don nodded and said, "I think it would be a great Christmas gift." From the other side of the wall, they heard Kevin yell, "I don't want letters for Christmas!"

Shopping

The judge was in a kind mood as he questioned the prisoner: "What are you charged with?" he asked. "Doing my Christmas shopping early," replied the defendant. "That's not a crime," replied the judge. "How early were you doing this shopping?" "Before the store opened."

Saint of Email

Q Who’s the patron saint of e-mail?

A: St. Francis of a CC.

Baby Jesus

It was the day after Christmas at a church in San Francisco. The Pastor of the church was looking at the manger scene, when he noticed that the baby Jesus figure was missing from the cradle. He immediately turned and went outside and saw a little boy with a red wagon walking down the street. And in the wagon, was the figure of the infant Jesus. So he walked up to the boy and said, 'Son, where did you get that little Baby Jesus that's in your wagon?' The little boy replied, 'I got him from the church.' 'And why did you take him?' asked the pastor. "'Well, about a week before Christmas," the boy said, "I prayed to the little Lord Jesus. I told him if he would bring me a red wagon for Christmas, I would give him a ride around the block in it.'

The blessing

My wife invited some people to dinner.  At the table, she turned to our six-year-old daughter and said, “Would you like to say the blessing?”  “I don’t know what to say,” she replied.

“Just say what you hear Mommy say,” my wife said.  Our daughter bowed her head and said: “Dear Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?”

Have you ever wondered...

If money doesn’t grow on trees then why do banks have branches?

Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?

Why do you have to “put your two cents in”…but it’s only a “penny for your thoughts”? Where’s that extra penny going to?

Once you’re in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put a man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they “slept like a baby” when babies wake up like every two hours?

If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you?

Why are you IN a movie, but you are ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They’re going to see you naked anyway.

Why is “bra” singular and “panties” plural?

Today’s Thought

You stop believing in Santa Claus when you start getting clothes for Christmas.

Friday's Funnies

Signs of Christmas

~ Bridal boutique: "Marry Christmas."
~ Outside a church: "The original Christmas Club."
~ At a department store: "Big pre-Christmas sale. Come in and mangle with the crowd."
~ A reducing salon: "24 Shaping Days until Christmas."
~ In a stationery store: "For the man who has everything...a calendar to remind him when payments are due."
~ A Christmas sign on a toy store: "Ho, ho, ho spoken here."

Sing to the tune of "Sleigh Bells Ring/Winter Wonderland"

(Verse 1)

Sleigh bells ring? It’s tinnitus

What's that pain? My arthritis.

We're both growing old - You're grey-haired, I'm bald – Using walkers in the winter once again.

(Verse 2)

When we try watching TV:

"Turn it up! Can't you hear me?"

We don't like the shows, but that's how it goes, We feel about a century too old.

(bridge)

In the kitchen: "What did I come here for?"

Guess I'll go ahead and make a snack.

"Have you seen my glasses?"  "Shut the fridge door!"

"If you use my dentures, could you give them back?"

(Verse 3)

Early on, we retire,

Eating prunes by the fire.

We've had a great life;

We're husband and wife.

"Tell me what your name is once again?"

The Plan

It was Christmas day, and we had all gathered for the holiday meal at the home of my husband's parents. After dessert, my mother-in-law left the table and returned carrying a bowl filled with slips of paper. Each adult was instructed to take one. Excited, we did so, wondering what surprise she had thought up for us. My slip of paper instructed me to dry the dishes; another person was told to wash them. Others had to do pots and pans, etc. Then, with all the parents out of the way, grandma and grandpa went into the living room and enjoyed their grandchildren.

All Done

I wondered if I could get my husband to address Christmas cards, as I had so much to do. I arranged everything we needed, then hopefully pulled up a chair and said, "Come on, Dear, let's get these out of the way." He glanced at the array on the table, turned away and went into the den, only to return moments later with a high stack of cards, stamped, sealed, and addressed. "They're last year's," he said. "I forgot to mail them. Now let's go out to dinner and relax."

Too Late

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

Fired

One day, Uncle Joe got fired from his construction job. His nephew asked him what happened. "You know what a foreman is?" Uncle Joe asked. "The one who stands around and watches the other men work?" The nephew asked. "What's that got to do with it?" "Well, he just got jealous of me," Uncle Joe explained. "Everyone thought I was the foreman."

From Where?

My sister-in-law and nephew Eddy were digging for fishing bait in my mother-in-law's garden. Uncovering a many-legged creature, Eddy proudly dangled it before his mother. "No, honey, he won't do for bait," his mother said. "He's not an earthworm." "He's not?" Eddy asked, his eyes wide. "What planet is he from?"

Ten Ways You Know Your Internet Connection Is A Little Slow

1.       Text on web pages displays as hieroglyphics.

2.       Graphics arrive via pneumatic tube delivery.

3.       You believe a heavier string might improve your connection.

4.       You post a message to your favorite blog and it displays a week later.

5.       Your credit card expires while ordering online.

6.       ESPN Web site exhibits "Heisman Trophy Winner" — for 1989.

7.       You're still in the middle of downloading that popular new game, "PacMan".

8.       Everyone you talk to on Skype sounds like Forrest Gump.

9.       You receive e-mails with stamps on them.

10.   When you click the "Send" button, a little door opens on the side of your monitor and a pigeon flies out.

Substitute teacher

Walking through the hallways at the middle school where I work, I saw a new substitute teacher standing outside his classroom with his forehead against a locker.  I heard him mutter, “How did you get yourself into this?”  Knowing that he was assigned to a difficult class, I tried to offer moral support.  “Are you okay?” I asked. “Can I help?”  He lifted his head and replied, “I’ll be fine as soon as I get this kid out of his locker.” 

Q&A

Q: what do you call a cow with a twitch?

A: beef jerky!

Friday's Funnies

HOW TO CONFUSE SANTA CLAUS

~ Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.

~ While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.

~ Leave him a note explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.

~ While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.

~ Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit!

~ Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say "We hate Christmas" and "Go away Santa."

~ Leave a note by the telephone telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home.

~ Throw a surprise party for Santa when he comes down the chimney. Refuse to let him leave until that huge cake arrives.

~ While he's in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn't have missed that last payment, and take off.

~ Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out with a note that says, "For The Tooth Fairy. :)" Leave another plate out with half a stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a dirty glass with a note that says, "For Santa.“

~ Take everything out of your house as if it's just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, "Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime."

~ Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections.

~ While he's in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire.

~ Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa's sure to see them. Go outside, yell, "Ooh! Look! A deer! And he's got a red nose!" and fire a gun.

~ Leave Santa a note explaining that you've moved. Include a map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house.

~ Leave out a Santa suit, with a dry-cleaning bill.

~ Paint "hoof-prints" all over your face and clothes. While he's in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you've been "trampled." Threaten to sue.

~ Instead of ornaments, decorate your tree with Easter eggs.

~ Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then say, "This neighborhood ain't big enough for the both of us."

Octogenarian Golfer

An Octogenarian moved to a new town and joined the local Country Club. He went to the Club for the first time to play but was told everyone scheduled to play was already out on the course. He was so disappointed, the Assistant Pro said he would play with him and would give him a 12 stroke handicap.  The 80 year old said, “I really don’t need a handicap. The only real problem I have is getting out of sand traps.”  They both played well. Coming into the par three 18th they were even. The pro had a nice drive to mid-fairway and would be able to get on the green with the next stroke and then putt for a par with the following play.  The old man hit a long drive, and the ball landed in one of the two sand traps around the hole. Shooting from the sand trap on his second stroke, he hit a high ball which landed on the green and rolled right into the hole!  The Assistant Pro was stunned. “Nice shot, but I thought you said you have a problem getting out of sand traps.”  “I do,” replied the octogenarian. “Give me a hand.”

Marriage counseling

A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counseling came up.  “Oh, we’ll never need that. My husband and I have a great relationship,” the wife explained.  “He was a communications major in college and I majored in theater arts.”  “He communicates real well and I just act like I’m listening.” 

Optimist or pessimist

A family had twin boys whose only resemblance to each other was their looks. If one felt it was too hot, the other thought it was too cold. If one said the TV was too loud, the other claimed the volume needed to be turned up. Opposite in every way, one was an eternal optimist, the other a doom-and-gloom pessimist.   Just to see what would happen, on the twins' birthday their father loaded the pessimist's room with every imaginable toy and game. The optimist's room he loaded with horse manure.   That night the father passed by the pessimist's room and found him sitting amid his new gifts crying bitterly.   "Why are you crying?" the father asked.   "Because my friends will be jealous, I'll have to read all these instructions before I can do anything with this stuff, I'll constantly need batteries, and my toys will eventually get broken." answered the pessimist twin.   Passing the optimist twin's room, the father found him dancing for joy in the pile of manure. "What are you so happy about?" he asked.   To which his optimist twin replied, "There's got to be a pony in here somewhere!"   

Today’s Thought

The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the road you put the stuff.

Friday's Funnies

The Devoted Admirer

For months he had been her devoted admirer. Now, at long last, he had collected up sufficient courage to ask her the most momentous of all questions: "There are quite a lot of advantages to being a bachelor," he began, "but there comes a time when one longs for the companionship of another being — a being who will regard one as perfect, as an idol; whom one can treat as one's absolute own; who will be kind and faithful when times are hard; who will share one's joys and sorrows." To his delight he saw a sympathetic gleam in her eyes. Then she nodded in agreement. "I think it's a great idea!" she said.  "Can I help you choose which puppy to buy?"

Fatherly Advice

An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to get the anesthesia, he asked to speak to his son. "Yes, Dad, what is it?" "Don't be nervous, son; do your best, and just remember, if it doesn't go well — if something happens to me — your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife."

Bad Hair Day

"What happened to you?" asked the bystander of the man lying on the sidewalk outside of the beauty parlor. The man shook his head groggily and rubbed his bruised chin. "Well, the last thing I remember was my wife coming out of the beauty salon. I took one look at her and said, 'Well, honey ... at least you tried.'"

Oh

The Pentagon once did a study on why so many American servicemen marry women in the countries where they're stationed. Contrary to popular belief, loneliness had nothing to do with it. Once the men rotated back to the U.S., all their in-laws were thousands of miles away.

Do-it-yourself project

When a guy’s printer type began to grow faint, he called a local repair shop where a friendly man informed him that the printer probably needed only to be cleaned.  Because the store charged $50 for such cleanings, he told him he might be better off reading the printer’s manual and trying the job himself.  Pleasantly surprised by his candor, he asked, “Does your boss know that you discourage business?”  “Actually, it’s my boss’ idea,” the employee replied sheepishly.  “We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves first.”

Husband takes the wife to a disco

There's a guy on the dance floor giving it large - break dancing, moon-walking, back flips, the works.
The wife turns to her husband and says:   "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down."  Husband says:  "Looks like he's still celebrating!!!

Too helpful

Working for a judge in a common pleas court, I saw many criminal defendants. One man facing drug charges proved unusually helpful.  To determine the exact quantity of the illegal substance allegedly sold, the judge asked the prosecutor how many grams there are in an ounce.  As both attorneys checked their notes, the defendant, who had not yet entered his plea, proudly announced, “There are 28.3 grams in an ounce, your honor.”  His attorney advised him to plead guilty.

Pain in the knee

An old man limped into the doctor’s office and said, “Doctor, my knee hurts so bad, I can hardly walk!”  The doctor slowly eyed him from head to toe, paused and then said, “Sir, how old are you?”  “I’m 98,” the man announced proudly.  The doctor just sighed, and looked at him again. Finally he said, “Sir, I’m sorry. I mean, just look at you. You are almost one hundred years old, and you’re complaining that your knee hurts? Well, what did you expect?”  The old man said, “Well, my other knee is 98 years old too, and it doesn’t hurt!”

These are sentences exactly as typed by medical secretaries in the City of London….

1. The patient has no previous history of suicide.

2. Patient has left her white blood cells at another hospital.

3. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

4. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.

5. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

6. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

7. Discharge status: Alive, but without my permission.

8. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert, but forgetful.

9. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

10. She is numb from her toes down.

11. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

12. The skin was moist and dry.

13. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

14. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

15. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.

16. I saw your patient today, who is still under our care for physical therapy.

17. Skin: somewhat pale, but present.

18. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

19. When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

20. The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of fuel and crashed.

21. She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.

22. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Smith, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

23. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.

24. By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.

Today’s Thought

Baseball - what a great job! Where else would a .250 efficiency rate get you a $10 million raise?

Friday's Funnies

Black Friday

A small business owner was dismayed when a brand new corporate chain much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read BEST BLACK FRIDAY DEALS. He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading LOWEST BLACK FRIDAY PRICES. The small business owner panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop-it read... MAIN ENTRANCE.

Black Friday One Liners

Black Friday: A day Americans are willing to kill over materialistic things just a day after celebrating what they're already thankful for.

Black Friday is a scam. You should be mad they overcharge you 364 days a year

Black Friday is so hypocritical - one day you're thankful for everything you have then the next day you're fighting over TVs & stuff on sale

I'll be celebrating Black Friday in my traditional way.... by completely ignoring it.

Black Friday = Broke Saturday

Probable Headline: "1000 Americans killed trying to get Twinkies on Black Friday."

Ways Thanksgiving Might Have Gone Down During Biblical Times

5. Terrible chariot jams on the way to Grandma's house

4. You think 4 days of turkey leftovers get old? Imagine roasting a camel!

3. Ahkmed seltzer, helping heartburn sufferers for 3 score and 7 years

2. Men bonding after dinner while watching rip roaring gladiator games on TV

1. Women suddenly having the urge to go to the Jerusalem marketplace the next day

Lonely Steve

It's Black Friday and the mall is packed with shoppers and Steve can't find his wife. Steve goes up to a very attractive woman and says 'Excuse me, can you help me? I cannot see my wife, and I know that she is here in the shopping mall somewhere. Can you just talk to me for a couple of minutes?" The attractive woman replies "Why?" Steve replies "Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife materializes out of thin air."

Black Friday Q & A

5. Q: Why do they call the day after Thanksgiving "Black Friday"?

A: It matches the mood of all those unhappy shoppers.

4. Q: Why do shoppers feel like cranberry juice on Black Friday?

A: They get bruised and battered by other people until they get squeezed at the cashier.

3. Q: What's the similarity people feel with Black Friday and the Thanksgiving turkey feast?

A: They know what it's like to be jammed into a small place like stuffing!

2. Q: What do people eat on Black Friday?

A: Whatever they couldn't finish on Thanksgiving Thursday.

... and the #1 funny Black Friday joke is:

1. Q: What's the best part about Black Friday?

A: Resting on Saturday.

Funny signs

Outside a muffler shop:  “No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.”

At a Towing Company:  “We don’t want an arm and a leg. We want your tows.”

At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:  “Invite us to your next blowout.”

Sign in Service Station:
If your car sounds like:
“ping-click-ping” – $10.00
“click-whine-click” – $25.00
“clunk-whine-clunk” – $50.00
“thud-clunk-thud” – $100.00
“clang-thud-clang” – $300.00
“Can’t describe it” – $500.00

Women drivers

I tell you, women drivers are a hazard to traffic. Driving to work this morning on the freeway, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a red Mustang doing 85 miles per hour with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner!  I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane.  It scared me so bad I dropped my electric shaver in my coffee, and it spilled all over my cell phone!

Turkey Poem (Author Unknown)

I ate too much turkey, I ate too much corn,
I ate too much pudding and pie.
I'm stuffed up with muffins and much too much stuffin'
I'm probably going to die.

I piled up my plate and I ate and I ate.
But I wish I had known when to stop,
For I'm so crammed with yams, sauces, gravies, and jams
That my buttons are starting to pop!

I'm full of tomatoes and french fried potatoes
My stomach is swollen and sore,

But there's still some dessert so I guess it won't hurt if
I eat just a little bit more!

Friday's Funnies

Ode to Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving is upon us, that special time of the year when the whole house gets to be clean at the same time because approximately 100,000 relatives are about to descend to eat a turkey dinner in 20 minutes that took 3 days to prepare, and 5 minutes after they arrive the house looks worse than it did before you spent 3 weeks and several hundred dollars to clean it, shine it, dust it, mop it, wax it, vacuum it, de-cobweb it, wash its windows, scrub its carpets, not to mention sanitizing the penicillin experiments that magically appear in its bathrooms and kitchen, mount an investigation to find out what is taking up all the space in the fridge and throw it all away to make room for $500-worth of groceries so the kids can stand in front of its open door and whine, “There’s never anything to EAT in this house”, and above all, banish all the JUNK to the 3-car garage that never has and probably never will have an actual car living in it! But seriously, there are many blessings to be thankful for and I am mindful of many: the love of friends and family, stable employment, good health, and a roof over our heads. However, this year there is one thing I will be especially thankful for – when all is said and done and washed and scrubbed and cooked and put away – I will be thankful that it’s OVER!

First-time turkey cookers...

One year at Thanksgiving, my mom went to my sister's house for the traditional feast. Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to play a trick. She told my sister that she needed something from the store.

When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen and inserted it into the turkey, and re-stuffed the turkey. She then placed the bird(s) back in the oven.

When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something, she reached in and pulled out the little bird.

With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed, "Patricia, you've cooked a pregnant bird!" At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to cry.

It took the family two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs!

Q & A

Q: What happened to the turkey that got in a fight?

A: He got the stuffing knocked out of him!

Q: Why wouldn't the turkey eat any dessert?

A: He was stuffed!

Q: Why was the turkey made the drummer?

A: Because he had the drumsticks!

Old or New Testament

One fellow was violently tearing through his Bible in a desperate search when a friend came up and asked, "Is something wrong?"  "Yes," he said, "I can't remember if the Thanksgiving story is in the Old Testament or New Testament!"

Church

Thanksgiving Day was approaching, and the family received a Thanksgiving card with a painting of a pilgrim family on their way to church. Grandma showed the card to her small grandchildren, observing, "The Pilgrim children liked to go to church with their mothers and fathers."  "Oh yeah?" her young grandson replied, "so why is their dad carrying that rifle?"

Too often

Thanksgiving is an emotional time. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they see only once a year. And then they discover that once a year is way too often.

LAWS

Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.

Law of Gravity: Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible place in the universe.

Law of Probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Law of Random Numbers: If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal; someone always answers.

Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now.

Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Law of Physical Surfaces: The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy: As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it - OR the store will stop selling it.

Doctor's Law: If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor - by the time you get there you'll feel better. But don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.

Turkey Day

Shot my first turkey yesterday! Scared the daylights out of everyone in the frozen food section. It was awesome!

Friday's Funnies

Getting older

- An elderly shopper at our supermarket used a check to buy such items as cotton balls, cotton swabs, powder, and cold cream. On the memo line, she’d written, "Repairs."

- "Everything’s starting to click for me!" said my father-in-law at dinner. "My knees, my elbows, my neck …"

- I was feeling pretty creaky after hearing the TV reporter say, "To contact me, go to my Facebook page, follow me on Twitter, or try me the old-fashioned way—e-mail."

- Retirement is the best thing that has happened to my brother-in-law. "I never know what day of the week it is," he gloated. "All I know is, the day the big paper comes, I have to dress up and go to church."

Stuffed Pockets

A small boy stunned his parents after church one Sunday when he began to empty his pockets of nickels, dimes, and quarters. Finally his mother asked the obvious question: "Where did you get all that money?" "At Sunday school," the boy replied nonchalantly. "They have bowls of it."

Making An Impression

To impress his date, the young man took her to a very swank and impressive Italian restaurant. He picked up the menu and studied it with a fine eye. When the waiter came for the order, the young man confidently said, "We'll both have the Guiseppe Spomdalucci." "I'm sorry, sir," said the waiter, "but that's the owner."

Is my time?

A 65 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.  While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked “Is my time up?”  God said, “No, you have another 33 years, 2 months and 8 days to live.”  Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, tummy tuck, etc….  She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.  After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.  Arriving in front of God, she demanded, “I thought you said I had another 33 years? Why didn’t you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?”  God replied: “I didn’t recognize you.”

How are we doing today?

Jim was an old man. He was sick and in the hospital.  There was one nurse that just drove him crazy. Every time she came in, she would talk to him like he was a little child. She would say in a patronizing tone of voice, ’And how are we doing this morning?’, or ‘Are we ready for a bath’, or ‘Are we hungry?’  Old Jim had had enough of this particular nurse. One day, at breakfast, Old Jim took the apple juice off the tray and put it in his bed side stand. Next, he was given a urine bottle to fill for testing. So you know where the juice went!  The nurse came in a little later, picked up the urine bottle and looked at it. ‘My, it seems we are a little cloudy today.’  At this, Old Jim snatched the bottle out of her hand, popped off the top, and drank it down, saying, ‘Well, I’ll run it through again. Maybe I can filter it better this time.’  The nurse fainted!  Old Jim just smiled!

The laws of golf

LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.

LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.

LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.

LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.

LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant “You looked up,” or invoke the wrath of the universe.

LAW 6: The higher a golfer’s handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor.

LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.

LAW 8: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.

LAW 9: Palm trees eat golf balls.

LAW 10: Sand is alive. If it isn’t, how do you explain the way it works against you?

LAW 11: Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the clubhouse.

LAW 12: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent — or some similar combination.

LAW 13: All 3-woods are demon-possessed.

LAW 14: Golf balls from the same “sleeve” tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water (See Law three).

LAW 15: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.

LAW 16: “Nice lag” can usually be translated to “lousy putt.” Similarly, “tough break” can usually be translated “way to miss an easy one, sucker.”

LAW 17: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you.

LAW 18: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.

LAW 19: Golf should be given up at least twice per month.

LAW 20: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset.

The truth is…

An aspiring young actor asked a young lady’s father if he could have his daughter’s hand in marriage. The father said, “I would never let my daughter marry an actor.”  The actor said, “Sir, I think you may change your mind if you see me perform. Won’t you at least come and see the play?”  So the father went to see the play, and the next day he called the actor, “You were right. I did change my mind. Go ahead and marry my daughter. The truth is, you’re no actor.”

Friday's Funnies

Rx

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office.  "Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?"  "Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.  There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'!"

A second wife

When our second child was on the way, my wife and I attended a pre-birth class aimed at couples who had already had at least one child.  The instructor raised the issue of breaking the news to the older child.  It went like this: “Some parents,” she said, “tell the older child, ‘We love you so much we decided to bring another child into this family.’ But think about that. Ladies, what if your husband came home one day and said, ‘Honey, I love you so much I decided to bring home another wife.’”  One of the women spoke up immediately. “Does she cook???”

Penny for Your Thoughts

One morning Grandma was over at the doctor's house when her daughter called, who was sort of frantic because her son had swallowed a penny. The daughter wanted Grandma to ask the doctor if she should bring the boy in to be seen. When she asked the doc, he calmly replied, "I don't think it's necessary. Just watch him closely for any change."

A DIET TO DIE FOR!

Yesterday I was at my local Food Lion buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Jake, the Wonder Dog, and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.  What did she think, I had an elephant?  So because I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.  I told her that it was essentially the Perfect Diet and that the way it works is, you load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)  Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stopped to Pee on a Fire Hydrant and a car hit me.  I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.  Food Lion won't let me shop there anymore. Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.

Talkative

Eight year old Nina brought her report card home from school. Her marks were good — mostly either A or B. However, her teacher had written a note across the bottom: "Nina is a smart little girl, but she has one fault. She talks too much in class. I have an idea that I'm going to try which I think may break her of that habit." Nina's dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back, "Please let me know if your idea works on Nina because I would like to try it out on her mother."

The Old Goats

A group of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Holland. As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through a process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used. She showed the group a lively hillside where many goats were grazing. These, she explained, were the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produced. She then asked, "What do you do in America with your old goats that aren't producing?" A spry old gentleman answered, "They send us on bus tours!"

LAWYER FUNNIES

Lawyers aren't typically funny--unless by accident. Case in point: The following questions from lawyers were taken from official court records nationwide:

1. Was that the same nose you broke as a child?

2. Q: What happened then?  A: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."  Q: Did he kill you?

3. Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?

4. The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

5. Were you alone or by yourself?

6. Do you have children or anything of that kind?

7.  Q:  I show you exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture?  A:  That's me.  Q:  Were you present when that picture was taken?

8.  Q:  Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable?  A:  I used to be.  Q:  How many times have you committed suicide?

9.  So you were gone until you returned?

10. Q:  She had three children, right?  A:  Yes.  Q:  How many were boys?  A:  None  Q:  Were there girls?

11.  You don't know what it was, and you don't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?

12.  Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement?  A: Yes  Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

13.  Q: Have you lived in this town all your life?  A: Not yet.

Today’s thought

My favorite coffee in the morning is the one where no one talks to me while I drink it.

Friday's Funnies

More funny signs

In A Safari Park:  Elephants Please Stay In Your Car

At a propane filling station:  “Tank heaven for little grills.”

Message On A Leaflet:  If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons.

At The Electric Company:  “We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don’t, you will be.”

On A Scientist’s Door:  “Gone Fission”

On A Taxidermist’s Window:  “We really know our stuff.”

Outside A Hotel:  “Help! We need inn-experienced people.”

In the front yard of a funeral home:  “Drive carefully. We’ll wait.”

At A Farmer’s Field:  “The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges.”

On A Billboard – Ad For A Safe Company:  “If your stuff is stolen, it’s not our vault.”

On a fence:  “Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive.”

At a car dealership:  “The best way to get back on your feet – miss a car payment.”

The Collection Selection

One Sunday, a pastor told his congregation that the church needed some extra money. He asked the people to consider donating a little more than usual into the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns. After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in the offering. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate. A very quiet, elderly, saintly looking lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanks asked her to pick out three hymns. Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three most handsome men in the building and said, "I'll take him and him and him."

Bible Q&A

Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he married?

A. Ruthless

Q. What do they call pastors in Germany?

A. German Shepherds.

Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?

A. Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.

Q. What was the greatest female financier in the Bible?

A. Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.

Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?

A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury.

David's Triumph was heard throughout the land.

Honda, because the apostles were all in one Accord.

Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?

A. Samson. He brought the house down.

Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?

A. Your mother ate us out of house and home.

Q. What's the phone number of the Garden of Eden?

A. ADAM-8-1-2

Q. Which servant of God was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?

A. Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.

Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?

A. The area around Jordan. The banks were always overflowing.

Q. Which Bible character had no parents?

A. Joshua, son of Nun.

The Lord's Prayer

From San Francisco:

When I was a child, I learned this prayer as "Our Father, who are in Heaven, Howard be thy name." I always thought that was God's real name.

Missoula, MT:

My son, who is in nursery school, said, "Our Father, who art in Heaven, how didja know my name?"

Uniontown, OH:

I remember thinking this prayer was "Give us this day our jelly bread."

Grand Junction, CO:

When I was younger, I believed the line was "Lead a snot into temptation." I thought I was praying for my little sister to get into trouble.

Today’s Thought

Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.

Friday's Funnies

Imponderables

• Why do we say something is out of whack? What's "in" whack?
• Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
• Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?
• Did Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
• Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
• What hair color do they put on the drivers licenses of bald men?
• How come no one ever says "It's only a game" when their team is winning?

How It Works

My parents are both busy professional people and have trouble finding time for chores and home maintenance. On weekends they each make a list of things to be done. Father's list is never completely crossed off, but Mother's always is. Puzzled, I asked her how she managed that. "Simple," she answered with a satisfied grin. "I do the chore first, and then I put it on the list and cross it off!"

Understanding the Signs

Over the years, my husband and I have usually managed to decode the cute but confusing gender signs sometimes put on restaurants' restroom doors (Buoys and Gulls, Laddies and Lassies, etc.), but every so often we get stumped. Recently my husband, Dave, wandered off in search of the men's room and found himself confronted by two marked doors. One was labeled "Bronco," and the other was designated "Cactus." Completely baffled, he stopped a restaurant employee passing by. "Excuse me; I need to use the restroom," Dave said. Gesturing toward the doors, he asked, "Which one should I use?" "Actually, we would prefer you to go there," the employee said, pointing to a door down the hall marked "Men." "Bronco and Cactus are private dining rooms."

Headlines from 2050
Plague of Spotted Owls Threaten Crops, Livestock
Texas Executes Last Remaining Citizen
Baltimore Rams Defeat St. Louis Ravens
Upcoming NFL Draft Likely to Focus On Mutants
Younger Generation’s Music Provokes Outrage of Elders
D.C. Zoo to Receive Rare Cow
Authentic Year 2000 Chad Sells For $6.9 Million at Sotheby’s
Court Clears AOLTimeWarnerGE-DisneyCiscoFordRJR-NabiscoExxon-Mobil of Monopoly Charges
50-Year Study: Diet and Exercise Key to Weight Loss
Baby Conceived Naturally

Personalized plate

One of my customers at the Department of Motor Vehicles wanted a personalized license plate with his wedding anniversary on it. As we completed the paperwork he explained, “This way I can’t forget the date.”

A few hours later, I recognized the same young man waiting in my line. When his turn came, he said somewhat sheepishly, “I need to change the numbers on that plate application.”

Marriage Advice

Being married is a little like living in California. If you find a fault, don't dwell on it.

Speechless

A guy has a talking dog. He brings it to a talent scout. "This dog can speak English," he claims to the unimpressed agent. "Okay, Sport," the guys says to the dog, "what's on the top of a house?" "Roof!" the dog replies. "Oh, come on..." the talent agent responds. "All dogs go 'roof.'" "No, wait," the guy says. He asks the dog, "What does sandpaper feel like?" "Rough!" the dog answers. The talent agent gives a condescending blank stare. He is losing his patience. "No, hang on," the guy says. "This one will amaze you." He turns and asks the dog: "Who, in your opinion, was the greatest baseball player of all time?" "Ruth!" goes the dog. And the talent scout, having seen enough, boots them out of his office onto the street. The dog and man sit on the curb dejected. The dog turns to his owner and says, "Maybe I shoulda said DiMaggio?"

Hearing Aid

While talking with my semi-deaf uncle one evening, I noticed that his "hearing aid" was actually an earphone from a transistor radio. The wire had been cut and was sticking out of his shirt. "How does that help your hearing?" I asked. "Don't help my hearing none," he replied. "Makes people talk louder."

Rise & Shine

I really didn't want to get out of bed this morning, but the manager at the Bed Warehouse was so insistent!

Family Matters

A couple, desperate to conceive a child, went to their priest and asked him to pray for them. "I'm going on a sabbatical to Rome," he replied, "and while I'm there, I'll light a candle for you." When the priest returned three years later, he went to the couple's house and found the wife pregnant, busily attending to two sets of twins. Elated, the priest asked her where her husband was so that he could congratulate him. "He's gone to Rome," she replied in a huff, "to blow out that candle."

Today’s Thought

The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

Friday's Funnies

The Perceptive Doctor

Doctor: Madam, your husband needs rest and peace, so here are some sleeping pills.
Wife: Doc, when should I give them to him?
Doctor: They are for you!!

The Wedding

I had the pleasure of attending a wedding last week. It was a beautiful event, and emotional. Even the cake was in tiers.

Real Resume and Cover Letter Excerpts

These are taken from real resumes and cover letters and were printed in Fortune Magazine:

• I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience.
• I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreadsheet progroms.
• Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year.
• Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave.
• Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions.
• Its best for employers that I not work with people.
• You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time.
• Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details.
• Failed bar exam with relatively high grades.
• Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No Commitments.
• As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments.
• Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far.
• Note: Please don't miscontrue my 14 jobs as job-hopping. I have never quit a job.
• Marital status: often. Children: various.
• Finished eighth in my class of ten.
• Lets meet, so you can ooh and aah over my experience.

Fun Things To Do During Boring Sermons

~ Pass a note to the organist asking whether he/she plays requests.

~ See if a yawn really is contagious.

~ Slap your neighbor. See if they turn the other cheek. If not, raise your hand and tell the preacher.

~ Devise ways of climbing into the balcony without using the stairs.

~ Listen for your preacher to use a word beginning with 'A' then 'B and so on through the alphabet.

~ Sit in the back row and roll a handful of marbles under the pews ahead of you. After the service, credit yourself with 10 points for every marble that made it to the front.

~ Using church bulletins or visitor cards for raw materials, design, test and modify a collection of paper airplanes.

~ Start from the back of the church and try to crawl all the way to the front, under the pews, without being noticed.

~ Raise your hand and ask for permission to go to the rest room.

~ Whip out a hankie and blow your nose. Vary the pressure exerted on your nostrils and trumpet out a rendition of your favorite hymn.

~ Chew gum; if the sermon goes on for more than 15 minutes, start blowing bubbles.

~ Try to indicate to the minister that his fly is undone.

~ By unobtrusively drawing your arms up into your sleeves, turn your shirt around backwards.

~ While people are locating the announced congregational song, step out in the aisle and begin waving your arms as if directing the hymn.

~ Sit close to the front, and during the prayer, turn around backwards, point, and count softly how many people do not have their heads bowed and eyes closed.

~ See how many hard candies you can stuff in your cheeks before your mother catches you.

~ Begin coughing and get louder and louder until you get to excuse yourself and leave the room.

~ Choose a different song than was announced and begin singing it as loud as you can.

Office signs

Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday kindly bring it back or further steps will be taken.

After the tea break, staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board.

A sign on the elevator door:

“This elevator is out of whack.” Later someone had penciled in, “More whack is on order.”

In a non-smoking area:

“If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and we will put you out.”

Seen During A Conference:

For anyone who has children and doesn’t know it, there is a day care on the first floor.

Today’s Thought

A word to the wise: Never allow a tobacco-chewing dyslexic near your "tips" jar.