Friday's Funnies

The Devoted Admirer

For months he had been her devoted admirer. Now, at long last, he had collected up sufficient courage to ask her the most momentous of all questions: "There are quite a lot of advantages to being a bachelor," he began, "but there comes a time when one longs for the companionship of another being — a being who will regard one as perfect, as an idol; whom one can treat as one's absolute own; who will be kind and faithful when times are hard; who will share one's joys and sorrows." To his delight he saw a sympathetic gleam in her eyes. Then she nodded in agreement. "I think it's a great idea!" she said.  "Can I help you choose which puppy to buy?"

Fatherly Advice

An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to get the anesthesia, he asked to speak to his son. "Yes, Dad, what is it?" "Don't be nervous, son; do your best, and just remember, if it doesn't go well — if something happens to me — your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife."

Bad Hair Day

"What happened to you?" asked the bystander of the man lying on the sidewalk outside of the beauty parlor. The man shook his head groggily and rubbed his bruised chin. "Well, the last thing I remember was my wife coming out of the beauty salon. I took one look at her and said, 'Well, honey ... at least you tried.'"

Oh

The Pentagon once did a study on why so many American servicemen marry women in the countries where they're stationed. Contrary to popular belief, loneliness had nothing to do with it. Once the men rotated back to the U.S., all their in-laws were thousands of miles away.

Do-it-yourself project

When a guy’s printer type began to grow faint, he called a local repair shop where a friendly man informed him that the printer probably needed only to be cleaned.  Because the store charged $50 for such cleanings, he told him he might be better off reading the printer’s manual and trying the job himself.  Pleasantly surprised by his candor, he asked, “Does your boss know that you discourage business?”  “Actually, it’s my boss’ idea,” the employee replied sheepishly.  “We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves first.”

Husband takes the wife to a disco

There's a guy on the dance floor giving it large - break dancing, moon-walking, back flips, the works.
The wife turns to her husband and says:   "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down."  Husband says:  "Looks like he's still celebrating!!!

Too helpful

Working for a judge in a common pleas court, I saw many criminal defendants. One man facing drug charges proved unusually helpful.  To determine the exact quantity of the illegal substance allegedly sold, the judge asked the prosecutor how many grams there are in an ounce.  As both attorneys checked their notes, the defendant, who had not yet entered his plea, proudly announced, “There are 28.3 grams in an ounce, your honor.”  His attorney advised him to plead guilty.

Pain in the knee

An old man limped into the doctor’s office and said, “Doctor, my knee hurts so bad, I can hardly walk!”  The doctor slowly eyed him from head to toe, paused and then said, “Sir, how old are you?”  “I’m 98,” the man announced proudly.  The doctor just sighed, and looked at him again. Finally he said, “Sir, I’m sorry. I mean, just look at you. You are almost one hundred years old, and you’re complaining that your knee hurts? Well, what did you expect?”  The old man said, “Well, my other knee is 98 years old too, and it doesn’t hurt!”

These are sentences exactly as typed by medical secretaries in the City of London….

1. The patient has no previous history of suicide.

2. Patient has left her white blood cells at another hospital.

3. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

4. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.

5. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

6. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

7. Discharge status: Alive, but without my permission.

8. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert, but forgetful.

9. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

10. She is numb from her toes down.

11. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

12. The skin was moist and dry.

13. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

14. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

15. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.

16. I saw your patient today, who is still under our care for physical therapy.

17. Skin: somewhat pale, but present.

18. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

19. When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

20. The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of fuel and crashed.

21. She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.

22. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Smith, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

23. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.

24. By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.

Today’s Thought

Baseball - what a great job! Where else would a .250 efficiency rate get you a $10 million raise?