Friday's Funnies

HOW TO CONFUSE SANTA CLAUS

~ Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.

~ While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.

~ Leave him a note explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.

~ While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.

~ Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit!

~ Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say "We hate Christmas" and "Go away Santa."

~ Leave a note by the telephone telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home.

~ Throw a surprise party for Santa when he comes down the chimney. Refuse to let him leave until that huge cake arrives.

~ While he's in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn't have missed that last payment, and take off.

~ Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out with a note that says, "For The Tooth Fairy. :)" Leave another plate out with half a stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a dirty glass with a note that says, "For Santa.“

~ Take everything out of your house as if it's just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, "Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime."

~ Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections.

~ While he's in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire.

~ Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa's sure to see them. Go outside, yell, "Ooh! Look! A deer! And he's got a red nose!" and fire a gun.

~ Leave Santa a note explaining that you've moved. Include a map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house.

~ Leave out a Santa suit, with a dry-cleaning bill.

~ Paint "hoof-prints" all over your face and clothes. While he's in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you've been "trampled." Threaten to sue.

~ Instead of ornaments, decorate your tree with Easter eggs.

~ Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then say, "This neighborhood ain't big enough for the both of us."

Octogenarian Golfer

An Octogenarian moved to a new town and joined the local Country Club. He went to the Club for the first time to play but was told everyone scheduled to play was already out on the course. He was so disappointed, the Assistant Pro said he would play with him and would give him a 12 stroke handicap.  The 80 year old said, “I really don’t need a handicap. The only real problem I have is getting out of sand traps.”  They both played well. Coming into the par three 18th they were even. The pro had a nice drive to mid-fairway and would be able to get on the green with the next stroke and then putt for a par with the following play.  The old man hit a long drive, and the ball landed in one of the two sand traps around the hole. Shooting from the sand trap on his second stroke, he hit a high ball which landed on the green and rolled right into the hole!  The Assistant Pro was stunned. “Nice shot, but I thought you said you have a problem getting out of sand traps.”  “I do,” replied the octogenarian. “Give me a hand.”

Marriage counseling

A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counseling came up.  “Oh, we’ll never need that. My husband and I have a great relationship,” the wife explained.  “He was a communications major in college and I majored in theater arts.”  “He communicates real well and I just act like I’m listening.” 

Optimist or pessimist

A family had twin boys whose only resemblance to each other was their looks. If one felt it was too hot, the other thought it was too cold. If one said the TV was too loud, the other claimed the volume needed to be turned up. Opposite in every way, one was an eternal optimist, the other a doom-and-gloom pessimist.   Just to see what would happen, on the twins' birthday their father loaded the pessimist's room with every imaginable toy and game. The optimist's room he loaded with horse manure.   That night the father passed by the pessimist's room and found him sitting amid his new gifts crying bitterly.   "Why are you crying?" the father asked.   "Because my friends will be jealous, I'll have to read all these instructions before I can do anything with this stuff, I'll constantly need batteries, and my toys will eventually get broken." answered the pessimist twin.   Passing the optimist twin's room, the father found him dancing for joy in the pile of manure. "What are you so happy about?" he asked.   To which his optimist twin replied, "There's got to be a pony in here somewhere!"   

Today’s Thought

The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the road you put the stuff.