Friday's Funnies

TOP TEN THINGS TO SAY ABOUT A CHRISTMAS GIFT YOU DON'T LIKE

10. Hey! There's a gift!

9. Well, well, well ...

8. Boy, if I had not recently shot up 4 sizes that would've fit.

7. This is perfect for wearing around the basement.

6. Gosh. I hope this never catches fire! It is fire season though. There are lots of unexplained fires.

5. If the dog buries it, I'll be furious!

4. I love it -- but I fear the jealousy it will inspire.

3. Sadly, tomorrow I enter the Federal Witness Protection Program.

2. To think -- I got this the year I vowed to give all my gifts to charity.

1. "I really don't deserve this."

Overheard

Figuring that her four-year-old son Kevin was listening in the next room, Janet decided to tell her husband Don the latest Christmas gift she had bought the boy by spelling out the words "fire truck." Don nodded and said, "I think it would be a great Christmas gift." From the other side of the wall, they heard Kevin yell, "I don't want letters for Christmas!"

Shopping

The judge was in a kind mood as he questioned the prisoner: "What are you charged with?" he asked. "Doing my Christmas shopping early," replied the defendant. "That's not a crime," replied the judge. "How early were you doing this shopping?" "Before the store opened."

Saint of Email

Q Who’s the patron saint of e-mail?

A: St. Francis of a CC.

Baby Jesus

It was the day after Christmas at a church in San Francisco. The Pastor of the church was looking at the manger scene, when he noticed that the baby Jesus figure was missing from the cradle. He immediately turned and went outside and saw a little boy with a red wagon walking down the street. And in the wagon, was the figure of the infant Jesus. So he walked up to the boy and said, 'Son, where did you get that little Baby Jesus that's in your wagon?' The little boy replied, 'I got him from the church.' 'And why did you take him?' asked the pastor. "'Well, about a week before Christmas," the boy said, "I prayed to the little Lord Jesus. I told him if he would bring me a red wagon for Christmas, I would give him a ride around the block in it.'

The blessing

My wife invited some people to dinner.  At the table, she turned to our six-year-old daughter and said, “Would you like to say the blessing?”  “I don’t know what to say,” she replied.

“Just say what you hear Mommy say,” my wife said.  Our daughter bowed her head and said: “Dear Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?”

Have you ever wondered...

If money doesn’t grow on trees then why do banks have branches?

Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?

Why do you have to “put your two cents in”…but it’s only a “penny for your thoughts”? Where’s that extra penny going to?

Once you’re in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put a man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they “slept like a baby” when babies wake up like every two hours?

If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you?

Why are you IN a movie, but you are ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They’re going to see you naked anyway.

Why is “bra” singular and “panties” plural?

Today’s Thought

You stop believing in Santa Claus when you start getting clothes for Christmas.