Friday's Funnies

Getting older

- An elderly shopper at our supermarket used a check to buy such items as cotton balls, cotton swabs, powder, and cold cream. On the memo line, she’d written, "Repairs."

- "Everything’s starting to click for me!" said my father-in-law at dinner. "My knees, my elbows, my neck …"

- I was feeling pretty creaky after hearing the TV reporter say, "To contact me, go to my Facebook page, follow me on Twitter, or try me the old-fashioned way—e-mail."

- Retirement is the best thing that has happened to my brother-in-law. "I never know what day of the week it is," he gloated. "All I know is, the day the big paper comes, I have to dress up and go to church."

Stuffed Pockets

A small boy stunned his parents after church one Sunday when he began to empty his pockets of nickels, dimes, and quarters. Finally his mother asked the obvious question: "Where did you get all that money?" "At Sunday school," the boy replied nonchalantly. "They have bowls of it."

Making An Impression

To impress his date, the young man took her to a very swank and impressive Italian restaurant. He picked up the menu and studied it with a fine eye. When the waiter came for the order, the young man confidently said, "We'll both have the Guiseppe Spomdalucci." "I'm sorry, sir," said the waiter, "but that's the owner."

Is my time?

A 65 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.  While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked “Is my time up?”  God said, “No, you have another 33 years, 2 months and 8 days to live.”  Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, tummy tuck, etc….  She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.  After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.  Arriving in front of God, she demanded, “I thought you said I had another 33 years? Why didn’t you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?”  God replied: “I didn’t recognize you.”

How are we doing today?

Jim was an old man. He was sick and in the hospital.  There was one nurse that just drove him crazy. Every time she came in, she would talk to him like he was a little child. She would say in a patronizing tone of voice, ’And how are we doing this morning?’, or ‘Are we ready for a bath’, or ‘Are we hungry?’  Old Jim had had enough of this particular nurse. One day, at breakfast, Old Jim took the apple juice off the tray and put it in his bed side stand. Next, he was given a urine bottle to fill for testing. So you know where the juice went!  The nurse came in a little later, picked up the urine bottle and looked at it. ‘My, it seems we are a little cloudy today.’  At this, Old Jim snatched the bottle out of her hand, popped off the top, and drank it down, saying, ‘Well, I’ll run it through again. Maybe I can filter it better this time.’  The nurse fainted!  Old Jim just smiled!

The laws of golf

LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.

LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.

LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.

LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.

LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant “You looked up,” or invoke the wrath of the universe.

LAW 6: The higher a golfer’s handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor.

LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.

LAW 8: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.

LAW 9: Palm trees eat golf balls.

LAW 10: Sand is alive. If it isn’t, how do you explain the way it works against you?

LAW 11: Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the clubhouse.

LAW 12: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent — or some similar combination.

LAW 13: All 3-woods are demon-possessed.

LAW 14: Golf balls from the same “sleeve” tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water (See Law three).

LAW 15: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.

LAW 16: “Nice lag” can usually be translated to “lousy putt.” Similarly, “tough break” can usually be translated “way to miss an easy one, sucker.”

LAW 17: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you.

LAW 18: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.

LAW 19: Golf should be given up at least twice per month.

LAW 20: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset.

The truth is…

An aspiring young actor asked a young lady’s father if he could have his daughter’s hand in marriage. The father said, “I would never let my daughter marry an actor.”  The actor said, “Sir, I think you may change your mind if you see me perform. Won’t you at least come and see the play?”  So the father went to see the play, and the next day he called the actor, “You were right. I did change my mind. Go ahead and marry my daughter. The truth is, you’re no actor.”