Signs of Christmas
~ Bridal boutique: "Marry Christmas."
~ Outside a church: "The original Christmas Club."
~ At a department store: "Big pre-Christmas sale. Come in and mangle with the crowd."
~ A reducing salon: "24 Shaping Days until Christmas."
~ In a stationery store: "For the man who has everything...a calendar to remind him when payments are due."
~ A Christmas sign on a toy store: "Ho, ho, ho spoken here."
~ Bridal boutique: "Marry Christmas."
~ Outside a church: "The original Christmas Club."
~ At a department store: "Big pre-Christmas sale. Come in and mangle with the crowd."
~ A reducing salon: "24 Shaping Days until Christmas."
~ In a stationery store: "For the man who has everything...a calendar to remind him when payments are due."
~ A Christmas sign on a toy store: "Ho, ho, ho spoken here."
Sing to the tune of "Sleigh Bells Ring/Winter Wonderland"
(Verse 1)
Sleigh bells ring? It’s tinnitus
What's that pain? My arthritis.
We're both growing old - You're grey-haired, I'm bald –
Using walkers in the winter once again.
(Verse 2)
When we try watching TV:
"Turn it up! Can't you hear me?"
We don't like the shows, but that's how it goes, We feel
about a century too old.
(bridge)
In the kitchen: "What did I come here for?"
Guess I'll go ahead and make a snack.
"Have you seen my glasses?" "Shut
the fridge door!"
"If you use my dentures, could you give them
back?"
(Verse 3)
Early on, we retire,
Eating prunes by the fire.
We've had a great life;
We're husband and wife.
"Tell me what your name is once again?"
The Plan
It was Christmas day, and we had all gathered for the holiday meal at the home of my husband's parents. After dessert, my mother-in-law left the table and returned carrying a bowl filled with slips of paper. Each adult was instructed to take one. Excited, we did so, wondering what surprise she had thought up for us. My slip of paper instructed me to dry the dishes; another person was told to wash them. Others had to do pots and pans, etc. Then, with all the parents out of the way, grandma and grandpa went into the living room and enjoyed their grandchildren.
All Done
I wondered if I could get my husband to address Christmas cards, as I had so much to do. I arranged everything we needed, then hopefully pulled up a chair and said, "Come on, Dear, let's get these out of the way." He glanced at the array on the table, turned away and went into the den, only to return moments later with a high stack of cards, stamped, sealed, and addressed. "They're last year's," he said. "I forgot to mail them. Now let's go out to dinner and relax."
It was Christmas day, and we had all gathered for the holiday meal at the home of my husband's parents. After dessert, my mother-in-law left the table and returned carrying a bowl filled with slips of paper. Each adult was instructed to take one. Excited, we did so, wondering what surprise she had thought up for us. My slip of paper instructed me to dry the dishes; another person was told to wash them. Others had to do pots and pans, etc. Then, with all the parents out of the way, grandma and grandpa went into the living room and enjoyed their grandchildren.
All Done
I wondered if I could get my husband to address Christmas cards, as I had so much to do. I arranged everything we needed, then hopefully pulled up a chair and said, "Come on, Dear, let's get these out of the way." He glanced at the array on the table, turned away and went into the den, only to return moments later with a high stack of cards, stamped, sealed, and addressed. "They're last year's," he said. "I forgot to mail them. Now let's go out to dinner and relax."
Too Late
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
Fired
One day, Uncle Joe got fired from his construction job. His nephew asked him what happened. "You know what a foreman is?" Uncle Joe asked. "The one who stands around and watches the other men work?" The nephew asked. "What's that got to do with it?" "Well, he just got jealous of me," Uncle Joe explained. "Everyone thought I was the foreman."
From Where?
My sister-in-law and nephew Eddy were digging for fishing bait in my mother-in-law's garden. Uncovering a many-legged creature, Eddy proudly dangled it before his mother. "No, honey, he won't do for bait," his mother said. "He's not an earthworm." "He's not?" Eddy asked, his eyes wide. "What planet is he from?"
Ten Ways You Know Your Internet Connection Is A Little Slow
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
Fired
One day, Uncle Joe got fired from his construction job. His nephew asked him what happened. "You know what a foreman is?" Uncle Joe asked. "The one who stands around and watches the other men work?" The nephew asked. "What's that got to do with it?" "Well, he just got jealous of me," Uncle Joe explained. "Everyone thought I was the foreman."
From Where?
My sister-in-law and nephew Eddy were digging for fishing bait in my mother-in-law's garden. Uncovering a many-legged creature, Eddy proudly dangled it before his mother. "No, honey, he won't do for bait," his mother said. "He's not an earthworm." "He's not?" Eddy asked, his eyes wide. "What planet is he from?"
Ten Ways You Know Your Internet Connection Is A Little Slow
1. Text
on web pages displays as hieroglyphics.
2. Graphics
arrive via pneumatic tube delivery.
3. You
believe a heavier string might improve your connection.
4. You
post a message to your favorite blog and it displays a week later.
5. Your
credit card expires while ordering online.
6. ESPN
Web site exhibits "Heisman Trophy Winner" — for 1989.
7. You're
still in the middle of downloading that popular new game, "PacMan".
8. Everyone
you talk to on Skype sounds like Forrest Gump.
9. You
receive e-mails with stamps on them.
10. When
you click the "Send" button, a little door opens on the side of your
monitor and a pigeon flies out.
Substitute teacher
Walking through the hallways at the middle school where I
work, I saw a new substitute teacher standing outside his classroom with his
forehead against a locker. I heard him
mutter, “How did you get yourself into this?”
Knowing that he was assigned to a difficult class, I tried to offer
moral support. “Are you okay?” I asked.
“Can I help?” He lifted his head and
replied, “I’ll be fine as soon as I get this kid out of his locker.”
Q&A
Q: what do you call a cow with a twitch?
A: beef jerky!
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