Friday's Funnies

Rx

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office.  "Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?"  "Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.  There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'!"

A second wife

When our second child was on the way, my wife and I attended a pre-birth class aimed at couples who had already had at least one child.  The instructor raised the issue of breaking the news to the older child.  It went like this: “Some parents,” she said, “tell the older child, ‘We love you so much we decided to bring another child into this family.’ But think about that. Ladies, what if your husband came home one day and said, ‘Honey, I love you so much I decided to bring home another wife.’”  One of the women spoke up immediately. “Does she cook???”

Penny for Your Thoughts

One morning Grandma was over at the doctor's house when her daughter called, who was sort of frantic because her son had swallowed a penny. The daughter wanted Grandma to ask the doctor if she should bring the boy in to be seen. When she asked the doc, he calmly replied, "I don't think it's necessary. Just watch him closely for any change."

A DIET TO DIE FOR!

Yesterday I was at my local Food Lion buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Jake, the Wonder Dog, and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.  What did she think, I had an elephant?  So because I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.  I told her that it was essentially the Perfect Diet and that the way it works is, you load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)  Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stopped to Pee on a Fire Hydrant and a car hit me.  I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.  Food Lion won't let me shop there anymore. Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.

Talkative

Eight year old Nina brought her report card home from school. Her marks were good — mostly either A or B. However, her teacher had written a note across the bottom: "Nina is a smart little girl, but she has one fault. She talks too much in class. I have an idea that I'm going to try which I think may break her of that habit." Nina's dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back, "Please let me know if your idea works on Nina because I would like to try it out on her mother."

The Old Goats

A group of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Holland. As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through a process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used. She showed the group a lively hillside where many goats were grazing. These, she explained, were the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produced. She then asked, "What do you do in America with your old goats that aren't producing?" A spry old gentleman answered, "They send us on bus tours!"

LAWYER FUNNIES

Lawyers aren't typically funny--unless by accident. Case in point: The following questions from lawyers were taken from official court records nationwide:

1. Was that the same nose you broke as a child?

2. Q: What happened then?  A: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."  Q: Did he kill you?

3. Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?

4. The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

5. Were you alone or by yourself?

6. Do you have children or anything of that kind?

7.  Q:  I show you exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture?  A:  That's me.  Q:  Were you present when that picture was taken?

8.  Q:  Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable?  A:  I used to be.  Q:  How many times have you committed suicide?

9.  So you were gone until you returned?

10. Q:  She had three children, right?  A:  Yes.  Q:  How many were boys?  A:  None  Q:  Were there girls?

11.  You don't know what it was, and you don't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?

12.  Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement?  A: Yes  Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

13.  Q: Have you lived in this town all your life?  A: Not yet.

Today’s thought

My favorite coffee in the morning is the one where no one talks to me while I drink it.