Seniors
Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, "Windy, isn't it? "
Second one says, "No, it's Thursday!"
Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a drink."
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Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a
physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with
a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to
Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?" Morris
replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be
cheerful.'" The doctor said, "I didn't say that! I said, “You've got
a heart murmur; be careful!"
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Exercise? I thought you said, "Extra fries."
Racetrack
After leaving the racetrack, Joe bumped into his old friend
Jon on the bus. "Say," Jon
said, "How's it going?" "Going? You want to hear one of the most
amazing things that ever happened? Tell me, what's today's date?" "July
seventh." "Right. The seventh day, of the seventh month. I go to the
track at seven minutes past seven. My son is seven years old today, and we live
at number seven, Seventh Avenue." "Let me guess," Jon
interrupted. "You put everything you had on the seventh horse in the
seventh race."
"Right." "And he won!" Jon sighed. "No.
He came in seventh."
Do You Know The Answer?
Q: What gets wetter the more it dries? A towel.
Q: When you look for something, why is it always in the last
place you look? Because when you find it, you stop looking!
Q: A cowboy rode into town on Friday. He stayed in town for three days and rode out
on Friday. How was that possible? Friday
was the name of his horse.
Q: Railroad crossing, watch out of cars. Can you spell that without any “r’s”? T-H-A-T
Q: What has a face
and two hands, but no arms or legs? A clock.
Q: What has to be
broken before you can use it? An egg.
Q: Lives in winter,
dies in summer, and grows with its roots upward. What is it? An icicle.
Q: It starts out tall,
but the longer it stands, the shorter it grows.
What is it? A candle.
Q: What belongs to
you but is used more by others? Your name.
Q: What goes up and
never comes down? Your age.
Q: How can a man go 8
days without sleep? He only sleeps at night.
Q: I’m full of keys
but I can’t open any door. What am I? A
piano.
Q: What has a thumb
and four fingers but is not alive? A glove.
Q: A man found an old
coin and declared that the date on it was 150 B.C. This could not be true. Why? Because B.C. is counting backwards from
the birth of Christ. If Christ hadn’t
been born yet, there were no dates in B.C. yet!
Q: Which is heavier,
a pound of bricks or a pound of feathers? The same – a pound is a pound!
Q: I’m light as a
feather, yet the strongest man can’t hold me for more than 5 minutes. What am I? Breath.
Q: Can you name three
consecutive days without using the words Wednesday, Friday, and Sunday?
Yesterday, today, and tomorrow.
Q: Timmy’s mother had
three children. The first was named
April, the next was named May. What was
the name of the third child? Timmy of course!
Q: What kind of coat
can only be put on when wet? A coat of paint.
Q: What occurs once
in a minute, twice in a moment, and never in one thousand years? The letter M.
Q: What has three
feet but cannot walk? A yardstick.
Q: What runs, but
never walks, often murmurs – never talks, has a bed but never sleeps, has a
mouth but never eats? A river.
Q: If you are running
in a race and you pass the person in second place, what place are you in?
Second place.
Q: What gets sharper
the more you use it? Your brain.
Q: If I have it, I
don’t share it. If I share it, I don’t
have it. What is it? A secret.
Q: What can you catch
but not throw? A cold.
Q: How many months
have 28 days? All 12 months!
Q: They come out at
night without being called, and are lost in the day without being stolen. What are they? Stars.
Q: What is full of
holes but can still hold water? A sponge.
Q: What word is spelled wrong in every dictionary? The word
“wrong!”
Q: What is easy to get into, but hard to get out of?
Trouble!
Q: The more you take away, the bigger this becomes. What is
it? A hole!
Q: What word contains 26 letters, but only three syllables?
Alphabet!
Q: A girl fell off a long staircase. She wasn’t hurt. Why?
She fell off the bottom step.
Q: It follows you and copies your every move. But you can’t
touch it or catch it. What is it? Your
shadow.
Q: What building has thousands of stories? The library!
Q: What has a neck but no head? A bottle!
Q: What invention allows you to look right through a wall? A
window!
Q: What are two things you can NEVER eat for breakfast?
Lunch and dinner!
Q: What goes up and down but never moves? The temperature!(Alternative
answer – a flight of stairs!)
Q: The more you take, the more you leave behind? What are
they? Footprints!
Q: If there are three cookies and you take away two, how
many do you have? If you take two, then of course you have two!
Q: What do dogs have that no other animal has? Puppies!
Q: A man was walking in the middle of nowhere and it started
to rain. He had no umbrella and no hat, but not a single hair on his head got
wet. How can this be? The man was bald!
Q: Give me food, and I will live. Give me water, and I will
die. What am I? Fire!
Q: First, I threw away the outside and cooked the inside.
Then I ate the outside and threw away the inside. What did I eat? Corn on the
cob!
Retiring Pastor
A retiring pastor was saying farewell to his congregation at
the church doors for the last time. He shook the hand of an elderly lady as she
walked out. She said, "Your successor won't be as good as you." "Nonsense," said the pastor, in a
flattered tone. "No, really,"
said the old lady, "I've been here under five different ministers, and
each one has been worse than the last."
Today’s Thought
Did you hear about the fellow who sat up all night wondering
where the sun went at night? It finally dawned on him.
