Friday's Funnies

 Bystander

 

Man: Just look at that young person with the short hair and blue jeans. Is it a boy or a girl?
Bystander: It's a girl. She's my daughter.
Man: Oh, please forgive me, sir. I had no idea you were her father.
Bystander: I'm not. I'm her mother.

 

The Extra Mile

 

I don't remember going the extra mile, but when I do it's because I missed my exit.

Preacher

 

The Preacher awoke one Sunday morning and saw it was a beautiful day, and thought to himself, “I don't want to go to church today.” He called his associate and said, "I'm sick, would you preach for me today?" His associate assured him he would.  St. Peter looked at God and said, "Are you going to let him get by with that?" 

God said, "No I'm not."

The preacher put his golf clubs in the trunk of car and drove fifty miles away to a golf course where no one knew him. Once again St. Peter said, "God, are you going to let him get by with that?"

God said, "No I'm not."

The preacher teed up the ball and hit it. It flew like it had never flown before, about 350 yards, bounced about three times and went into the hole for a hole in one.  St. Peter looked at God and said, "God, are you going to let him get away with that?" God smiled and said, "Who is he going to tell?"

Dieting Buddies

 

Mary announced that she was going to start a diet to lose some pounds she had put on recently.  "Great," Sue exclaimed. "I'm ready to start a diet too. We can be dieting buddies and help each other out. And when I feel the urge to drive out and get a burger and fries, I'll call you first."  "Wonderful," Mary replied. "I'll go with you."

 

Forecast from the Fifties

 

(1) "I'll tell you one thing. If things keep going the way they are, it's going to be impossible to buy a week's groceries for $20."

(2) "Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won't be long when $5000 will only buy a used one."

(3) "If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit. A quarter a pack is ridiculous."

(4) "Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging a dime just to mail a letter?"

(5) "The Government is wanting to get its hands on everything. Pretty soon it's going to be impossible to run a family business or farm."

(6) "If they raise the minimum wage to $1, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store."

(7) "When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 50 cents a gallon. Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage."

(8) "Kids today are impossible. Those duck tail hair cuts make it impossible to stay groomed. Next thing you know, boys will be wearing their hair as long as the girls."

(09) "I read the other day where some scientist thinks it's possible to put a man on the moon by the end of the of the century. They even have some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas."

(10) "Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $75,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn't surprise me if someday they'll be making more than the president."

Please Don't Let Me Be Late

 

A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!"  As she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again.  As she ran she once again began to pray, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!...But don't shove me either."

Potty Humor

 

1. While being potty trained, a child is being "coached" by grandma. Grandma says: "Luke, just think of the little train that could. I think I can. I think I can. I think I can..." The boy responds: "Grandma, trains don't poop."

2. One of our nieces is very outgoing and sings many songs often getting the words and the tune correct. However, once in a while she errs. While using the potty, she sang in a loud voice: "It's my potty and I'll cry if I want to..."

3. A niece sang this popular nursery rhyme: "London bridge is falling down, falling down, falling down. London bridge is falling down, my bare lady."

Signs You Might Not Be Reading Your Bible Often Enough

 

• You open up your Bible in church and a huge dust cloud rises.
• You think Abraham, Isaac & Jacob may have had a few hit songs during the 60s.
• You open to the Gospel of Luke and a WWII Savings Bond falls out.
• Your favorite Old Testament Patriarch is Hercules.
• You think the Minor Prophets worked in the quarries.

 

Today’s thought

 

Stealing someone's coffee is called mugging.