Magnets
A first-grade teacher is giving a science quiz to her students about magnets. "My name begins with the letter 'M'," she says, "and I pick up things. What am I?" Little Johnny raises his hand and blurts out the answer. "You're a mom."
Ladies and the Restaurant
A group of 40-year-old girlfriends discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed upon that they should meet at the Ocean House restaurant because the waiters there were so cute.
Ten years later, at 50 years of age, the group once again discussed where they
should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the
Ocean House restaurant because the food there was wonderful, and the wine
selection was also good.
Ten years later, at 60 years of age, the group once again discussed where they
should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the
Ocean House restaurant because they could eat there in peace and quiet, and the
restaurant had a beautiful view of the ocean.
Ten years later, at 70 years of age, the group once again discussed where they
should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the
Ocean House restaurant because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible, and
they even had an elevator.
Ten years later, at 80 years of age, the group once again discussed where they
should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the
Ocean House restaurant because they had never been there before.
New Book On Golf
Table of Contents:
Chapter 1 - How to Properly Line Up Your Fourth Putt…
Chapter 2 - How to Hit a Nike from the Rough, when you Hit a Titleist from the Tee.
Chapter 3 - How to Avoid the Water When You Lie 8 in a Bunker.
Chapter 4 - How to Get More Distance off the Shank.
Chapter 5 - How to Rationalize a 6-Hour Round.
Chapter 6 - When a Divot Becomes Classified as Sod.
Chapter 7 - How to Find That Ball in the Rough That Everyone Else Saw Go in the Water.
Chapter 8 - Why Your Spouse Doesn't Care that You Birdied the 5th Hole.
Chapter 9 - How to Relax When You Are Hitting Five Off the Tee.
Chapter 10 - When to Suggest Major Swing Corrections to Your Opponents Even Though You're a 20 plus Handicapper.
Chapter 11 - Throwing Your Clubs: An Effective Stress-Reduction Technique.
Chapter 12 - How to Make a 7 Add up To a Five On The Scorecard.
Chapter 13 - How to Mark Your Ball and Replace it 2 feet Closer to The Hole.
Chapter 14 - 7 Very Convincing Apologies for After You Have Intentionally Stepped In The Line Of Your Opponent.
Chapter 15 - How to Cleverly Make a Whiff Look Like a Practice Swing.
Don't miss the sequel to this book, "Creative Scorekeeping". Coming soon to a bookstore near you...!
Puns for Educated Minds
- A mans’ home is his castle in a manor of speaking.
- Dijon vu – the same mustard as before.
- Shotgun wedding – A case of wife or death.
- Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
- Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
- A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
- He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
- Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a
mall.
- Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
- Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
- Acupuncture is a jab well done.
- When two egotists meet it’s an I for an I.
- A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it’s two
tired.
- What’s the definition of a will? (Hint – It’s a dead
give away.)
- She was engaged to a chap with a wooden leg but she
broke it off.
- A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
- If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
- With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
- The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully
recovered.
- You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
- Every calendar’s days are numbered
- A lot of money is tainted. Taint yours and taint mine!
- Money talks. Mine keeps saying “Goodbye!”
Today’s Thought
Walk behind a car and you'll get exhausted. Walk in front of a car and
you'll get tired.
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