Organic
I hate it when I think I'm buying ORGANIC vegetables, but
when I get home they're REGULAR donuts.
Southernisms
Only a true Southerner knows the difference between a hissie fit
and a conniption fit, and that you don't "HAVE" them — you pitch a hissie
fit, and throw a conniption fit.
Only a true Southerner knows how many fish are in "a
mess."
Only a true Southerner can show or point out to you the general
direction of "yonder."
Only a true Southerner knows exactly how long "directly"
is _ as in: "Going to town, be back directly."
All true Southerners, even babies, know that "Gimme some
sugar" is not a request for the white, granular sweet substance that sits
in a pretty little bowl on the middle of the table.
A true Southerner knows that "fixin'" can be used as a
noun, a verb, or an adverb.
Only true Southerners make friends while standing in lines. We
don't do "queues," we stand in "lines," and when we're
"in line," we talk to everybody!
True Southerners never refer to one person as "y'all."
True Southerners know grits come from corn and how to eat them.
Only true Southerners say "sweet milk." "Sweet
milk" means you don't want buttermilk.
And a true Southerner knows you don't yell at little old ladies
who drive 30 MPH on the freeway. You just say, "Bless her little
heart...!" and go on your way.
Wedding Rehearsal
During his wedding rehearsal, the groom approached his pastor with
an unusual offer. "I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows,
and leave out the 'love, honor, obey, and forsake all others' part." He
pressed a $100 bill in the pastor's hand and walked away with a satisfied
smile. On the day of the wedding, the
groom was feeling pretty pleased when the pastor got to the part where the vows
are exchanged. The pastor looked him in
the eye and asked, "Will you promise to bow before her, obey whatever
command she gives, fulfill her every wish, serve her breakfast each morning,
and swear before God that you'll not look at another woman as long as you both
shall life?" The groom gulped and
looked astonished, but he finally said "Yes" in a tiny voice. He then
leaned in toward the pastor and whispered, "I thought we had a deal!" The pastor pressed the $100 bill back into
his hand and whispered in return, "She made me a much better offer."
Explain That one!
A couple were going out for the evening. They'd got ready, all
dressed up, set the lights, and put the cat put out. Their Uber arrives, and as the couple opened
the front door, the cat zips back in between their legs and disappears up the
stairs. They don't want the cat shut in
the house, so the wife goes out to the car while the husband goes upstairs to
find the cat and put it out. The wife,
worried about some recent break-ins in their neighborhood and not wanting it
known that the house will be empty, explains to the Uber driver "He's just
going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother." A few minutes later, the husband gets into
the cab apologetically, "Sorry I took so long" he says, "Stupid
old thing was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger and
grab her by the scruff of the neck to get her to come out! Then she slipped
away and ran into the closet, but I quickly trapped her in the corner and got a
good hold on her."
How To Get To Heaven
A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery
store. As he waited, he was approached by a man who asked, "Son, can you
tell me where the post office is?"
The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this street a
couple of blocks and turn to your right."
The man thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new pastor in
town. I'd like for you to come to church on Sunday. I'll show you how to get to
Heaven." The little boy replied
with a chuckle. "Awww, come on; you don't even know the way to the post
office."
Ever Think About It?
When people see a cat's litter box they always say,
"Oh, have you got a cat?" I just say, "No, it's for
company!"
Employment application blanks always ask who is to
be called in case of an emergency. I think you should write, "An
ambulance."
The older you get the tougher it is to lose weight
because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.
The easiest way to find something lost around the
house is to buy a replacement.
Have you ever noticed: The Roman Numerals for forty
(40) are XL.
The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he
knows when he's really in trouble.
Did you ever notice that when you put the 2 words
"The" and "IRS" together it spells "Theirs?"
Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you
stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
Some people try to turn back their
"odometers." Not me. I want people to know why I look this way.
I've traveled a long way and a lot of the roads were
not paved. Ah! Being young is beautiful but being old is comfortable. Lord,
keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth.
Today’s Thought
I don't want to brag, but I finished my 14-day diet in 3 hours.
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