Friday's Funnies

Oblivious

A young man was sitting next to me in one of the two chairs provided for men outside the ladies fitting room in our local department store. After 30 minutes and 6 changes of outfits, the fellow's wife came out of the changing room one more time. He looked at her and immediately said, "That looks great on you! Get that one."  "Honey," she replied, "this is what I was wearing when we came in."

Getting Older

-          Don't irritate old people. The older we get the less "Life in prison" is a deterrent.

-          I really don't mind getting older, but my body is taking it badly.

-          I miss the 90's when bread was still good for you and no one knew what kale was.

-          Do you ever get up in the morning, look in the mirror and think "That can't be accurate."

-          I want to be 14 again and ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.

-          As I watch this generation try to rewrite our history, one thing I'm  sure of....it will be misspelled and have no punctuation.

-          I thought getting old would take longer.

-          Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.

-          My wife asked me to take her to one of those restaurants where they make food right in front of you. I took her to Subway. That's when the fight started.

-           Me: Sobbing my heart out, "I can't see you anymore.....I'm not going to let you hurt me again." Trainer: "It was one sit-up. You did one sit-up."

Excuses

A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter.  So he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. FORGIVE US OUR TRESPASSES."  When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note. "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job. LEAD US NOT INTO TEMPTATION."

Things We Wouldn’t Know Without Sunday School

~ With your eyes closed for prayer, anything can happen in a room full of preschoolers.

~ Prayer requests reveal a lot about parents.

~ A fire extinguisher is a handy device.

~ Cheap glue adheres to skin.

~ Kool Aid and song motions do not mix.

~ Grand pianos are not as durable as you might think.

~ Church maintenance people do not have a sense of humor.

~ Offering money always rolls to the other side of the room when dropped.

~ Ushers do not have a sense of humor.

~ Parachute games should not be used in a room with a chandelier.

~ Animal crackers can be sneezed out the nose.

~ There are good reasons why pastor's kids have a bad reputation.

~ Helium intoxication does not render respect in a staff meeting.

Diet Buddies

Mary announced that she was going to start a diet to lose some pounds she had put on recently. "Great," Sue exclaimed. "I'm ready to start a diet too. We can be dieting buddies and help each other out. And when I feel the urge to drive out and get a burger and fries, I'll call you first." "Wonderful," Mary replied. "I'll go with you."

Fire Training

At a training session in the fire station, the team was assembled around the kitchen table. The training officer was discussing the behavior of fire: "You pull up to a house and notice puffs of smoke coming from the eaves, blackened out windows and little or no visible flame. What does this tell you?" he asked. Expecting to hear that the house is in a possible back draft situation, a condition very dangerous to fire fighters, he instead heard from one quick wit, "You got the right place."

Hymns For Seasoned Citizens

• The Old Rugged Face
• Precious Lord, Take My Hand, And Help Me Up
• It is Well With My Soul, But My Knees Hurt
• Nobody Knows the Trouble I Have Seeing
• Amazing Grace, Considering My Age
• Just a Slower Walk With Thee
• Count Your Many Birthdays, Name Them One by One
• Go Tell It On The Mountain, But Speak Up
• Give Me That Old Timers' Religion
• Blessed Insurance
• Guide Me O Thou Great Jehovah, I've Forgotten Where I Parked

Grandkids

While out bicycling one day with my eight-year-old granddaughter, I got a little wistful.  "In ten years," I began, "you'll want to be with your friends and you won't go walking, biking, and swimming with me like you do now."  Carolyn shrugged, "That's okay, because in ten years you'll be too old to do all those things anyway."

Pastor Appreciation

A young boy called the pastor of a local church and asked him to come by to pray for his mother, who was very ill with the flu.  The pastor knew the family and was aware they were members of another church down the road. So the pastor asked, "Shouldn't you be asking Brother Simon at your church to come by to pray with your mom?"  The young boy replied, "Yeah, but we didn't want to take the chance that he might catch whatever it is that Mom has."

Today’s Thought

Apparently RSVP'ing to a wedding invitation "Maybe next time" isn't the correct response.