Friday's Funnies

 

Hearing Request

During a revival meeting, an evangelist asked the people in line what they needed.  One man's request was for his hearing. The evangelist spit on his finger, put it in the man's ear, prayed for him and then asked him, "How's your hearing now?"  He said, "I don't know - it's next Tuesday."

 

In The Case Of An Emergency

A married couple enjoyed their fishing boat, but it was always the husband who was behind the wheel. He was concerned about what might happen in an emergency.  So one day out on the lake he said to his wife, "Honey, take the wheel... Pretend that I am having a heart attack. You must get the boat safely to shore and dock it."  So she drove the boat to shore and docked it. Later that evening, the wife walked into the living room. She sat down next to her husband, picked up the newspaper, and said, "Honey, go into the kitchen. Pretend I'm having a heart attack - cook dinner and wash the dishes."

Atlanta Falcons 2020

Two Atlanta Falcons fans were upset after the Falcons' third recent loss in a row.

Fan 1: They can move to Manila and become a team with an already well known name.
Fan 2: What's that?
Fan 1: The "Manila Folders" of course.

Top 25 Sayings We’d Like to See On Those Office Inspirational Posters

~ Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

~ Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.

~ Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings...they did it by killing all those who opposed them.

~ We put the "k" in "kwality."

~ A person who smiles in the face of adversity probably has a scapegoat.

~ If at first you don't succeed, try management.

~ Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

~ Teamwork means never having to take all the blame yourself.

~ The beatings will continue until morale improves.

~ Hang in there--retirement is only thirty years away!

~ Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

~ A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.

~ Indecision is the key to flexibility.

~ Aim low. Reach your goals. Avoid disappointment.

~ You pretend to work, and we'll pretend to pay you.

~ Work: It isn't just for sleeping anymore.

 

Cold Boaters

Two men sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

 

Aging

I've found that growing up in the 60s was a lot more fun than being in my 60s.

 

Why Is That?

  Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon?

-          What do chickens think we taste like?

-          What do people in China call their good plates?

-          What hair color do they put on the driver's license of a bald man?

-          Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

-          Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

-          Why are there Interstates in Hawaii?

-          Why are there flotation devices in the seats of planes instead of parachutes?

-          Why are cigarettes sold at gas stations where smoking is prohibited?

-          Have you ever imagined a world without hypothetical situations?

-          How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work?

-          If a firefighter fights fire and a crime fighter fights crime, what does a freedom fighter fight?

-          If a cow laughs, does milk come out of her nose?

-          Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of a drive-up ATM?

-          Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

-          What would Geronimo say if he jumped out of an airplane?

-          If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Bragging About Children

One woman was bragging to her next-door neighbor about her son, a college student: "Why our son is so brilliant, every time we get an email from him we have to go dictionary.com."  "You're lucky," the neighbor said. "Every time we get an email from our son in college, we have to go to the bank."

 

He Knows How It Works

A three-year-old had been told several times to get ready for bed. The last time his mom told him, she was very insistent. His response was, "Yes, sir." Correcting him, she said, "You would say, 'yes, sir,' to a man. I am a lady, and you would say 'yes, ma'am," to a lady." To quiz him on this lesson, she then asked him, "What would you say to Daddy?" "Yes, sir," came the reply. "Then what would you say to Mama?" "Yes, ma'am," he proudly answered. "Good job! Now, what would you say to Grandma?" He lit up and said, "Can I have a cookie?"

 

Today’s Though

I really need a day between Saturday and Sunday.