Friday's Funnies

 Halloween Riddles

What do you get if you cross Jesse James and Dracula?

A robbery at the blood bank.

What happens when a flying witch breaks the sound barrier?

You hear the broom boom.

 

What do you use to repair a jack o' lantern?

A pumpkin patch.

 

Do witches stay home on weekends?

No. They go away for a spell.

 

What do you call a roomful of ghosts?

A bunch of boo-boos.

 

What do you call a ghost in a torn sheet?

A holy terror.

 

What goes "oob, oob!"

A ghost in reverse.

 

What happened to the witch who hooked her broom to a space shuttle?

She got spaced out.

 

Why couldn't the mummy attend the meeting?

He was all tied up.

 

What do spooks call their navy?

The ghost guard.

 

Did you hear about the cannibal who was expelled from school?

He was buttering up his teacher.

 

What is a ghost's favorite subject in high school?

Boo-ology of course!

 

What did the mother ghost say to the baby ghost when they got into the car?

"Don't forget to buckle your sheetbelt!"

 

What did the sign in the Egyptian funeral home say?

"Satisfaction guaranteed or double your mummy back."

 

Why did the vampire quit the baseball team?

They would only let him be BAT boy!

 

Why didn't Dracula get married?

He never met a nice ghoul!

 

What is a ghost's favorite food?

Boo-loney sandwich.

 

What kind of dog does Dracula have?

A Bloodhound!

 

What kind of math did the monster student do best?

Scare root.

 

What should you say when you meet a ghost?

"How do you boo, sir? How do you boo?"

 

What type of music do ghosts prefer?

Spirituals, of course.

 

Today's Math

Two friends drove by a gas station. The first one says, "These prices are awful. They just keep going higher!" The second replies, "It doesn't affect me at all. I always put in just $20 worth."

Manners

A three-year-old had been told several times to get ready for bed. The last time his mom told him, she was very insistent. His response was, "Yes, sir!" Correcting him, she said, "You would say, 'yes, sir,' to a man. I am a lady, and you would say 'yes, ma'am,' to a lady." To quiz him on this lesson, she then asked him, "What would you say to Daddy?" "Yes, sir!" came the reply. "Then what would you say to Mama?" "Yes, ma'am!" he proudly answered. "Good job! Now, what would you say to Grandma?" He lit up and said, "Can I have a cookie?"

Eyewitnesses

Two cab drivers met. "Hey," asked one, "what's the idea of painting one side of your cab red and the other side blue?" "Well," the other responded, "when I get into an accident, you should see how all the witnesses contradict each other."

Time Out

Johnny:  "Why are you so upset, Mike?"
Mike:  "My sister said she wouldn't talk to me for two weeks."
Johnny:  "Why does that upset you?"
Mike:  "Today's the last day."

Today’s Thought

I was struggling to get my wife's attention. So I simply sat down and looked comfortable. That did the trick.