A recent study found the average American walks about 900 miles per year. Another study found Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year.
That means, on average, Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon.
Wow we're good!
+++++
A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation were chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner. He was delayed, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.
'I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife; taken illegal drugs, etc…. I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.'.....
Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk. 'I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived,' said the politician. 'In fact, I had the honor of being the first one to go to him in confession.'
Moral: NEVER, NEVER, NEVER BE LATE
+++++
Hungry?
An enthusiastic door-to-door vacuum cleaner salesman goes to the first house in his new territory. He knocks and a lady opens the door. Before she has a chance to say anything, he runs inside and dumps garden soil all over the carpet. He says, "Lady, if this vacuum cleaner doesn't do wonders cleaning this up, I'll eat every bit of it." She turns to him with a smirk and says, "You want ketchup on that?" The salesman says, "Why do you ask?" She says, "We just moved in and we haven't got the electricity turned on yet."
French Dream
A boy was having a lot of difficulty in French class. To encourage him, his teacher said, "You'll know you're really beginning to get it when you start dreaming in French." The boy ran into class one day all excited, saying, "Teacher, teacher! I had a dream last night and everyone was talking in French." "Great," said the teacher; "what were they saying?" "I don't know," the boy replied. "I couldn't understand them."
Where There's a Will...
A woman was bitten by a mad dog and was advised to make a will because there was a possibility of rabies. She wrote furiously for two hours. "It looks like an unusually long will," her lawyer said. "Who's writing a will?" she snapped. "This is a list of people I want to bite!"
State Pride
Apparently I tend to brag too much about my home state of Ohio. One day I told a long-suffering friend, "You know, the first man in powered flight was from Ohio. The first man to orbit the earth was from Ohio. And the first man on the moon was from Ohio." "Sounds like a lot of people are trying to get out of Ohio," he observed.
Oops
An attorney I know once drafted wills for an elderly husband and wife who had been somewhat apprehensive about discussing death. When they arrived to sign the documents, he ushered the couple into his office. "Now," he said to them, "which one of you wants to go first?"
Counting Goats
Who says today's kids aren't smart? At a high school in Montana a group of high schoolers played a prank on the school. They let 3 goats loose in the school. Before they let them go they painted numbers on the sides of the goats..1-2-4. Local school administrators spent most of the day looking for #3.
+++++
1/2 Davis Junior = Semi Davis Junior
1/10 Appolis = 1 Miniappolis
1/2 Moore = Demi Moore
Nufish + Nufish = Tunafish
3.14159 Ano = piano
1/10 Arnez = 1 Deci Arnez
1/9 Nanette = Nononanette
+++++
You are in a steel room with no windows, doors or openings. All you have is a matchbook... how do you get out?
Answer: Strike One! Strike Two! Strike Three...You're Out!
Friday, June 13, 2008
Friday, June 6, 2008
Friday's Funnies
"Shopping trip"
A wife sent her husband and their daughter to the health food store with a carefully prepared shopping list. They returned with brussel sprouts, organically grown tomatoes, wild rice, tofu, veggie burgers and a box of sugar cookies.
The man noticed his wife's glare when she pulled out the cookies. So he said, "Hey, those cookies have one-third less sugar AND fat than usual!"
"Really? Why is that?" the mother asked.
"We ate a third of them on the way home," he replied.
+++++
"What's in a Name?"
Lawyer's daughter: Sue
Thief's son: Rob
Lawyer's son: Will
Doctor's son: Bill
Meteorologist's daughter: Haley
Steam shovel operator's son: Doug
Hair Stylist's son: Bob
Homeopathic doctor's son: Herb
Justice of the peace's daughter: Mary
Sound stage technician's son: Mike
Hot-dog vendor's son: Frank
Gambler's daughter: Bette
Exercise guru's son: Jim
Cattle Thief's son: Russell
Painter's son: Art
Iron worker's son: Rusty
TV show star's daughter: Emmy
Movie star's son: Oscar
Barber's son: Harry
+++++
When a man says, "Honey, there are only two minutes left in the football game," it is the same amount of time as when his wife says, "Honey, I'll be ready in two minutes."
+++++
There are three stages in life: You have to take a nap and don't want to; you want to take a nap but don't have the time; and you want to take a nap and have the time, but you can't fall asleep.
+++++
Who Says Rednecks Are Dumb?
"Hello, is this the sheriff's office?"
"Yes. What can I do for you?"
"I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith. He's hidin' marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he's hidin' it there."
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, the sheriff's deputies descend on Virgil's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave. Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house.
"Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd. Did the sheriff come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep!"
"Happy birthday, buddy!"
+++++
A doctor, and engineer and a lawyer were arguing over whose profession was the oldest. "On the sixth day, God took one of Adam's ribs and created Eve," said the doctor. "So that make him a surgeon first."
"Please," said the engineer. "Before that, God created the world from chaos and confusion, so he was first an engineer."
"Interesting," said the lawyer smugly, "but who do you think created the chaos and confusion?"
+++++
"If a woman has to chose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life," observes humorist Dave Barry, reflecting on the differences between the sexes, "she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base."
A wife sent her husband and their daughter to the health food store with a carefully prepared shopping list. They returned with brussel sprouts, organically grown tomatoes, wild rice, tofu, veggie burgers and a box of sugar cookies.
The man noticed his wife's glare when she pulled out the cookies. So he said, "Hey, those cookies have one-third less sugar AND fat than usual!"
"Really? Why is that?" the mother asked.
"We ate a third of them on the way home," he replied.
+++++
"What's in a Name?"
Lawyer's daughter: Sue
Thief's son: Rob
Lawyer's son: Will
Doctor's son: Bill
Meteorologist's daughter: Haley
Steam shovel operator's son: Doug
Hair Stylist's son: Bob
Homeopathic doctor's son: Herb
Justice of the peace's daughter: Mary
Sound stage technician's son: Mike
Hot-dog vendor's son: Frank
Gambler's daughter: Bette
Exercise guru's son: Jim
Cattle Thief's son: Russell
Painter's son: Art
Iron worker's son: Rusty
TV show star's daughter: Emmy
Movie star's son: Oscar
Barber's son: Harry
+++++
When a man says, "Honey, there are only two minutes left in the football game," it is the same amount of time as when his wife says, "Honey, I'll be ready in two minutes."
+++++
There are three stages in life: You have to take a nap and don't want to; you want to take a nap but don't have the time; and you want to take a nap and have the time, but you can't fall asleep.
+++++
Who Says Rednecks Are Dumb?
"Hello, is this the sheriff's office?"
"Yes. What can I do for you?"
"I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith. He's hidin' marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he's hidin' it there."
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, the sheriff's deputies descend on Virgil's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave. Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house.
"Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd. Did the sheriff come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep!"
"Happy birthday, buddy!"
+++++
A doctor, and engineer and a lawyer were arguing over whose profession was the oldest. "On the sixth day, God took one of Adam's ribs and created Eve," said the doctor. "So that make him a surgeon first."
"Please," said the engineer. "Before that, God created the world from chaos and confusion, so he was first an engineer."
"Interesting," said the lawyer smugly, "but who do you think created the chaos and confusion?"
+++++
"If a woman has to chose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life," observes humorist Dave Barry, reflecting on the differences between the sexes, "she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base."
Friday, May 30, 2008
Friday's Funnies
The husband and wife go to a counselor after 15 years of marriage. The counselor asks them what the problem is. The wife goes into a tirade listing every problem they have ever had in the 15 years they've been married. She goes on and on and on. Finally, the counselor gets up, goes around the desk, embraces the woman and kisses her passionately. The woman shuts up and sits quietly in a daze. The counselor turns to the husband and says "that is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do that?"
The husband thinks for a moment and replies, "Well, I can get her here to your office Monday and Wednesday, but Friday I golf."
+++++
Practical Questions
Flying home after visiting her daughter in England, a woman arranged to have her husband meet her plane at the Vancouver, B.C., airport. This meant a stop at the border crossing between the United States and Canada, where her husband was asked, "What is your reason for entering the country?" and "How long are you planning to stay?" He replied that he was picking his wife up at the airport after her trip to England. Without missing a beat, the guard asked two more questions in the same business-like tone: "Is the house clean?" and "Are there fresh flowers on the table?"
Of Noah Count
Noah opens up the ark and let all the animals out, telling them to "Go forth and multiply!" He's closing the great doors of the ark when he notices that there are two snakes sitting in a dark corner. So he says to them, "Didn't you hear me? You can go now. Go forth and multiply." "We can't," said the snakes. "We're adders."
The Real Reason
The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
+++++
These classifieds were really put in the paper - a smile for your day
FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.
FREE PUPPIES.. Mother, AKC German Shepherd. Father, Super Dog...able to
leap tall fences in a single bound.
FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG. Looks like a rat. Been out a while. Better be a
big reward.
NORDIC TRACK $300 Hardly used, call Chubby.
GEORGIA PEACHES California grown - 89 cents/lb.
JOINING NUDIST COLONY! Must sell washer and dryer $300.
WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE Worn once by mistake. Call Brenda.
And the best one:
FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition. $1,000 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married
last month. Wife knows everything.
+++++
BILLBOARD SIGN
I saw a billboard sign that said:
NEED HELP, CALL JESUS
1-800-005-3787
Out of curiosity, I did.
A Mexican showed up with a lawnmower
+++++
Kathy said to her friend, "I just don't understand the attraction golf holds for men."
"TELL me about it!" Vickie replied. "I went golfing with John one time, and he told me I asked too many questions!"
"Well, I'm sure you were just trying to understand the game. What questions did you ask?"
"I asked legitimate questions -- like, 'Why did you hit the ball into that lake?'"
+++++
A Sunday School teacher asked her young class, "What is prayer?" One of her pupils answered, "That's a message sent to God at night and on Sundays, when the rates are lower."
The husband thinks for a moment and replies, "Well, I can get her here to your office Monday and Wednesday, but Friday I golf."
+++++
Practical Questions
Flying home after visiting her daughter in England, a woman arranged to have her husband meet her plane at the Vancouver, B.C., airport. This meant a stop at the border crossing between the United States and Canada, where her husband was asked, "What is your reason for entering the country?" and "How long are you planning to stay?" He replied that he was picking his wife up at the airport after her trip to England. Without missing a beat, the guard asked two more questions in the same business-like tone: "Is the house clean?" and "Are there fresh flowers on the table?"
Of Noah Count
Noah opens up the ark and let all the animals out, telling them to "Go forth and multiply!" He's closing the great doors of the ark when he notices that there are two snakes sitting in a dark corner. So he says to them, "Didn't you hear me? You can go now. Go forth and multiply." "We can't," said the snakes. "We're adders."
The Real Reason
The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
+++++
These classifieds were really put in the paper - a smile for your day
FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.
FREE PUPPIES.. Mother, AKC German Shepherd. Father, Super Dog...able to
leap tall fences in a single bound.
FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG. Looks like a rat. Been out a while. Better be a
big reward.
NORDIC TRACK $300 Hardly used, call Chubby.
GEORGIA PEACHES California grown - 89 cents/lb.
JOINING NUDIST COLONY! Must sell washer and dryer $300.
WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE Worn once by mistake. Call Brenda.
And the best one:
FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition. $1,000 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married
last month. Wife knows everything.
+++++
BILLBOARD SIGN
I saw a billboard sign that said:
NEED HELP, CALL JESUS
1-800-005-3787
Out of curiosity, I did.
A Mexican showed up with a lawnmower
+++++
Kathy said to her friend, "I just don't understand the attraction golf holds for men."
"TELL me about it!" Vickie replied. "I went golfing with John one time, and he told me I asked too many questions!"
"Well, I'm sure you were just trying to understand the game. What questions did you ask?"
"I asked legitimate questions -- like, 'Why did you hit the ball into that lake?'"
+++++
A Sunday School teacher asked her young class, "What is prayer?" One of her pupils answered, "That's a message sent to God at night and on Sundays, when the rates are lower."
Friday, May 23, 2008
Friday's Funnies
Sandy began a job as an elementary school counselor and she was eager to help. One day during recess she noticed a girl standing by herself on one side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of soccer at the other. Sandy approached and asked if she was all right. The girl said she was. A little while later, however, Sandy noticed the girl was in the same spot, still by herself. Approaching again, Sandy offered, "Would you like me to be your friend?" The girl hesitated, then said, "Okay," looking at the woman suspiciously. Feeling she was making progress, Sandy then asked, "Why are you standing here all alone?" "Because," the little girl said with great exasperation, "I'm the goalie!"
+++++
The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers.
“We’re sorry, Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife,” says one trooper.
“Tell me! Tell me! Did you find her?” Wilkens shouted.
The troopers looked at each other, and finally one said, “We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?”
Fearing the worst, Mr. Wilkens said, “Give me the bad news first.”
The trooper said, “I’m sorry to tell you sir, but this morning we found your wife’s body in Kachemak Bay.”
“Oh my God!” exclaimed Wilkens. Swallowing hard, he asked, “What’s the good news?”
The trooper continued, “When we pulled her up, she had 12 25-pound king crabs and 6 good-size Dungeness crabs clinging to her.”
Mr. Wilkens demanded, “If that’s the good news, what’s the great news?”
The trooper said, “We’re going to pull her up again tomorrow.”
+++++
Three old men were sitting around and talking.
The 80-year-old said, ‘The best thing that could happen to me would just to be able to have a good pee. I stand there for 20 minutes, and it dribbles and hurts. I have to go over and over again.’
The 85-year-old said, ‘The best thing that could happen to me is if I could have one good bowel movement. I take every kind of laxative I can get my hands on and it’s still a problem.’
Then the 90-year-old said, ‘That’s not my problem. Every morning at 6 a.m. sharp, I have a good long pee. At 6:30 a.m. sharp, I have a great bowel movement. The best thing that could happen to me would be if I could wake up before 7 a.m.’
+++++
Two bright young engineers applied for the same position at a computer company. Since they had identical qualifications, the company asked the two applicants to take a 10-question test.
At the conclusion of the test, one of the applicants was called into the manager's office. "I have graded the test, and you both scored nine correct answers and got one answer wrong. Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the job to the other applicant."
"And why would you choose him if we both got nine questions correct?" asked the rejected applicant.
"We have based our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed," said the Department manager.
"And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?" the rejected applicant inquired.
"Simple," said the Department manager, "The other gentleman answered Question #5, 'I don't know.' Your answer to Question #5 was, 'Neither do I.'"
+++++
Pulled Over
"Hey you! Pull over!" shouted the traffic cop. The lady complied, and the judge next day fined her twenty-five dollars. She went home in great anxiety lest her husband, who always examined her checkbook, should learn of the incident. Then inspiration struck and she marked the check stub, "One pullover, $25."
The Blonde And The Voice
A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the ice. After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed, 'THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.' Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a drink from her thermos of cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole. Again from the heavens the voice bellowed, 'THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.' The blonde, now worried, moved away, clear down to the opposite end of the ice. She set up her stool once more and tried again to cut a hole. The voice came once more, 'THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.' She stopped, looked skyward, and said, ' Is that you, Lord? ' The voice replied, 'NO, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE HOCKEY RINK.'
+++++
The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers.
“We’re sorry, Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife,” says one trooper.
“Tell me! Tell me! Did you find her?” Wilkens shouted.
The troopers looked at each other, and finally one said, “We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?”
Fearing the worst, Mr. Wilkens said, “Give me the bad news first.”
The trooper said, “I’m sorry to tell you sir, but this morning we found your wife’s body in Kachemak Bay.”
“Oh my God!” exclaimed Wilkens. Swallowing hard, he asked, “What’s the good news?”
The trooper continued, “When we pulled her up, she had 12 25-pound king crabs and 6 good-size Dungeness crabs clinging to her.”
Mr. Wilkens demanded, “If that’s the good news, what’s the great news?”
The trooper said, “We’re going to pull her up again tomorrow.”
+++++
Three old men were sitting around and talking.
The 80-year-old said, ‘The best thing that could happen to me would just to be able to have a good pee. I stand there for 20 minutes, and it dribbles and hurts. I have to go over and over again.’
The 85-year-old said, ‘The best thing that could happen to me is if I could have one good bowel movement. I take every kind of laxative I can get my hands on and it’s still a problem.’
Then the 90-year-old said, ‘That’s not my problem. Every morning at 6 a.m. sharp, I have a good long pee. At 6:30 a.m. sharp, I have a great bowel movement. The best thing that could happen to me would be if I could wake up before 7 a.m.’
+++++
Two bright young engineers applied for the same position at a computer company. Since they had identical qualifications, the company asked the two applicants to take a 10-question test.
At the conclusion of the test, one of the applicants was called into the manager's office. "I have graded the test, and you both scored nine correct answers and got one answer wrong. Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the job to the other applicant."
"And why would you choose him if we both got nine questions correct?" asked the rejected applicant.
"We have based our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed," said the Department manager.
"And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?" the rejected applicant inquired.
"Simple," said the Department manager, "The other gentleman answered Question #5, 'I don't know.' Your answer to Question #5 was, 'Neither do I.'"
+++++
Pulled Over
"Hey you! Pull over!" shouted the traffic cop. The lady complied, and the judge next day fined her twenty-five dollars. She went home in great anxiety lest her husband, who always examined her checkbook, should learn of the incident. Then inspiration struck and she marked the check stub, "One pullover, $25."
The Blonde And The Voice
A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the ice. After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed, 'THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.' Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a drink from her thermos of cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole. Again from the heavens the voice bellowed, 'THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.' The blonde, now worried, moved away, clear down to the opposite end of the ice. She set up her stool once more and tried again to cut a hole. The voice came once more, 'THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.' She stopped, looked skyward, and said, ' Is that you, Lord? ' The voice replied, 'NO, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE HOCKEY RINK.'
Friday, May 16, 2008
Friday's Funnies
"Welcome to Paris"
A new porter at a Paris hotel was instructed by the manager that it was important to call the guests by their names in order to make them feel welcome, and that the easiest way to find out their name was to look at their luggage.
Armed with this advice, the porter took two guests up to their rooms, put down their bags and said, "I hope you 'ave a very 'appy stay 'ere in Paris, Mr and Mrs Genuine Cow'ide."
+++++
Peach Tree Rescue
Unexpected cold snaps had destroyed the buds on my father's young peach tree for two years in a row. This spring, Dad was ready. He replanted the sapling in a large box, mounted it on wheels, and put the tree in the garage whenever the temperature dropped.
One warm April day, Dad was wheeling the tree out into the yard, and he stopped to give our dog a drink from the garden hose. A neighbor watched the scene with amusement. "Frank,"
he finally commented, "you're the only man I know who walks his tree and waters his dog!"
+++++
Elderly Blind Date
An 85-year-old widow went on a blind date with a 90-year-old man. When she returned to her daughter's house later that night, she seemed upset.
"What happened, Mother?" the daughter asked.
"I had to slap his face three times!"
"You mean he got fresh?"
"No," she answered, "I thought he was dead."
+++++
Broken Bone
While leading a tour of kindergarten students through our hospital, I overheard a conversation between one little girl and an x-ray technician.
"Have you ever broken a bone?" he asked.
"Yes," the girl replied.
"Did it hurt?"
"No."
"Really? Which bone did you break?"
"My sister's arm."
+++++
Need a Haircut
A pastor, known for his lengthy sermons, noticed a man get up and leave during the middle of his message. The man returned just before the conclusion of the service.
Afterward the pastor asked the man where he had gone. "I went to get a haircut," was the reply.
"But," said the pastor, "why didn't you do that before the service started?"
"Because," the gentleman said, "I didn't need one then."
+++++
Car Privileges
The mother and father had just given their teenage daughter family-car privileges. On Saturday night she returned home very late from a party.
The next morning, her father went out to the driveway to get the newspaper and came back into the house frowning. At 11:30 AM the girl sleepily walked into the kitchen, and her father asked her, "Sweetheart, what time did you get in last night?"
"Not too late, Dad," she replied nervously.
Dead-panned, her father said, "Then, my precious one, I'll have to talk with the paperboy about putting my paper under the front tire of the car."
+++++
Jeff Foxworthy:
"Things are more sophisticated in the North," says comedian Jeff Foxworthy. "For example, in the North when guys fall in love, they think they have to buy candy, wine and roses. When we fall in love in the South, we just spray paint your name on an overpass."
A new porter at a Paris hotel was instructed by the manager that it was important to call the guests by their names in order to make them feel welcome, and that the easiest way to find out their name was to look at their luggage.
Armed with this advice, the porter took two guests up to their rooms, put down their bags and said, "I hope you 'ave a very 'appy stay 'ere in Paris, Mr and Mrs Genuine Cow'ide."
+++++
Peach Tree Rescue
Unexpected cold snaps had destroyed the buds on my father's young peach tree for two years in a row. This spring, Dad was ready. He replanted the sapling in a large box, mounted it on wheels, and put the tree in the garage whenever the temperature dropped.
One warm April day, Dad was wheeling the tree out into the yard, and he stopped to give our dog a drink from the garden hose. A neighbor watched the scene with amusement. "Frank,"
he finally commented, "you're the only man I know who walks his tree and waters his dog!"
+++++
Elderly Blind Date
An 85-year-old widow went on a blind date with a 90-year-old man. When she returned to her daughter's house later that night, she seemed upset.
"What happened, Mother?" the daughter asked.
"I had to slap his face three times!"
"You mean he got fresh?"
"No," she answered, "I thought he was dead."
+++++
Broken Bone
While leading a tour of kindergarten students through our hospital, I overheard a conversation between one little girl and an x-ray technician.
"Have you ever broken a bone?" he asked.
"Yes," the girl replied.
"Did it hurt?"
"No."
"Really? Which bone did you break?"
"My sister's arm."
+++++
Need a Haircut
A pastor, known for his lengthy sermons, noticed a man get up and leave during the middle of his message. The man returned just before the conclusion of the service.
Afterward the pastor asked the man where he had gone. "I went to get a haircut," was the reply.
"But," said the pastor, "why didn't you do that before the service started?"
"Because," the gentleman said, "I didn't need one then."
+++++
Car Privileges
The mother and father had just given their teenage daughter family-car privileges. On Saturday night she returned home very late from a party.
The next morning, her father went out to the driveway to get the newspaper and came back into the house frowning. At 11:30 AM the girl sleepily walked into the kitchen, and her father asked her, "Sweetheart, what time did you get in last night?"
"Not too late, Dad," she replied nervously.
Dead-panned, her father said, "Then, my precious one, I'll have to talk with the paperboy about putting my paper under the front tire of the car."
+++++
Jeff Foxworthy:
"Things are more sophisticated in the North," says comedian Jeff Foxworthy. "For example, in the North when guys fall in love, they think they have to buy candy, wine and roses. When we fall in love in the South, we just spray paint your name on an overpass."
Friday, April 11, 2008
Friday's Funnies
Please note that due to travel, there will not be any Friday's Funnies over the next 4 weeks.
+++++
New and Improved IRS Form 1040-2EZ
(Tax Year 2007)
Name:
Address:
City:
State:
Zip:
Social Security Number:___-__-____
1. How much money did you make in 2007? $_____________
2. Send it to us: IRS Payment Processing Center, Memphis, TN
+++++
So That's What It Means
Sam and Ruth had just bought a new car when winter hit with all its fury. "I wonder if the car has seat warmers," Ruth wondered. "It sure does," said Sam, looking through the owner's manual. "Here it is...rear defrosters."
+++++
Archeology 101
Last January the "New Orleans Times Picayune" reported that a Cajun amateur archeologist having dug to a depth of 10 meters found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years. He concluded that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago. Not to be outdone by the Cajuns, in the weeks that followed, Texas scientists dug to a depth of 20 meters. Shortly after, headlines in the "Dallas Morning News" read, "Texas archaeologists have found traces of 200-year old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network one hundred years earlier than the Cajuns." One week later, "The Grant County Press" reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 meters in fields near Cabins, WV, Bubba Williams, a self-taught archeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Bubba has therefore concluded that 300 years ago in West Virginia they were already using wireless."
+++++
"But officer..."
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. "But officer," the man began, "I can explain."
"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."
"But, officer, I just wanted to say,..."
"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!" A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."
+++++
"Debt"
A man went to his lawyer and told him, "My neighbor owes me $500 and he won't pay up. What should I do?"
"Do you have any proof he owes you the money?" asked the lawyer.
"Nope," replied the man.
"Okay, then write him a letter asking him for the $1000 he owed you," said the lawyer.
"But it's only $500," replied the man.
"Precisely. That's what he will reply and then you'll have your proof!"
+++++
Minnesota Clergymen!
Reverend Ole was the pastor of the local Norwegian Lutheran Church, and Pastor Sven was the minister of the Swedish Covenant Church across the road.
I saw them yesterday standing by the road, pounding a sign into the ground. The sign read:
Da End iss Near!
Turn Yourself Aroundt Now!
Before It's Too Late!
As a car sped past them, the driver leaned out his window and yelled, "Leave us alone, you religious nuts!"
From the curve we heard screeching tires and a big splash.
Rev. Ole turned to Pastor Sven and asked . . . "Do ya tink maybe da sign should yust say 'Bridge Out'?"
+++++
New and Improved IRS Form 1040-2EZ
(Tax Year 2007)
Name:
Address:
City:
State:
Zip:
Social Security Number:___-__-____
1. How much money did you make in 2007? $_____________
2. Send it to us: IRS Payment Processing Center, Memphis, TN
+++++
So That's What It Means
Sam and Ruth had just bought a new car when winter hit with all its fury. "I wonder if the car has seat warmers," Ruth wondered. "It sure does," said Sam, looking through the owner's manual. "Here it is...rear defrosters."
+++++
Archeology 101
Last January the "New Orleans Times Picayune" reported that a Cajun amateur archeologist having dug to a depth of 10 meters found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years. He concluded that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago. Not to be outdone by the Cajuns, in the weeks that followed, Texas scientists dug to a depth of 20 meters. Shortly after, headlines in the "Dallas Morning News" read, "Texas archaeologists have found traces of 200-year old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network one hundred years earlier than the Cajuns." One week later, "The Grant County Press" reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 meters in fields near Cabins, WV, Bubba Williams, a self-taught archeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Bubba has therefore concluded that 300 years ago in West Virginia they were already using wireless."
+++++
"But officer..."
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. "But officer," the man began, "I can explain."
"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."
"But, officer, I just wanted to say,..."
"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!" A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."
+++++
"Debt"
A man went to his lawyer and told him, "My neighbor owes me $500 and he won't pay up. What should I do?"
"Do you have any proof he owes you the money?" asked the lawyer.
"Nope," replied the man.
"Okay, then write him a letter asking him for the $1000 he owed you," said the lawyer.
"But it's only $500," replied the man.
"Precisely. That's what he will reply and then you'll have your proof!"
+++++
Minnesota Clergymen!
Reverend Ole was the pastor of the local Norwegian Lutheran Church, and Pastor Sven was the minister of the Swedish Covenant Church across the road.
I saw them yesterday standing by the road, pounding a sign into the ground. The sign read:
Da End iss Near!
Turn Yourself Aroundt Now!
Before It's Too Late!
As a car sped past them, the driver leaned out his window and yelled, "Leave us alone, you religious nuts!"
From the curve we heard screeching tires and a big splash.
Rev. Ole turned to Pastor Sven and asked . . . "Do ya tink maybe da sign should yust say 'Bridge Out'?"
Friday, April 4, 2008
Friday's Funnies
Two 90-year-old women, Rose and Barb, had been friends all of their lives. When it was clear that Rose was dying, Barb visited her every day. One day Barb said, "Rose, we both loved playing women's softball all our lives, and we played in all through High School. Please do me one favor: when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's women's softball there." Rose looked up at Barb from her deathbed, "Barb, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for you."
Shortly after that, Rose passed on. At midnight a couple of nights later, Barb was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, "Barb, Barb." "Who is it?" asked Barb, sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"
"Barb -- it's me, Rose."
"You're not Rose. Rose just died."
"I'm telling you, it's me, Rose," insisted the voice. "Rose! Where are you?"
"In Heaven," replied Rose. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."
"Tell me the good news first," said Barb.
"The good news," Rose said, "is that there's Softball in Heaven. Better yet, all of our old buddies who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always springtime, and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play softball all we want, and we never get tired."
"That's fantastic," said Barb.. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?"
"You're pitching Tuesday."
+++++
"Your fortune"
A husband stepped on one of those penny scales that tell your weight and fortune and dropped in a coin.
"Listen to this," he said to his wife, showing her a small, white card. "It says I'm energetic, bright, resourceful and a great lover."
"Uh huh," his wife nodded. She then pointed at the card, "Look, it has your weight wrong, too."
+++++
Gift Registry
My sister went to the department store to check out the bridal registry of our niece whose wedding was coming up soon. When my sister returned from the store, she tossed the gift list on a table and declared, "I think she's too young to get married." "Why do you say that?" I asked. "Because," she said, "they registered for Nintendo games."
Forgive Our Enemies
In his Sunday sermon, the minister used "Forgive Your Enemies" as his subject. After the sermon, he asked how many were willing to forgive their enemies. About half held up their hands. Not satisfied, he harangued the congregation for another twenty minutes and repeated his question. This received a response of eighty percent. Still unsatisfied, he lectured for fifteen more minutes and repeated his question. All responded except one elderly gentleman in the rear. "Mr. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?" "I don't have any." "Mr. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?" "One hundred and one." "Mr. Jones, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a man can live to be one hundred and one and not have an enemy in the world." The old man teetered down the aisle, slowly turned to face the congregation, smiled and said, "I outlived every one of them!"
A Cluttered Desk Is...
About a week ago, I came across an Internet advice column that told me how to eliminate the paperwork clutter on my desk. GREAT! So I printed out the five pages of how-to instructions and placed them on top of the rest of the stuff on my desk. Now I can't find them.
+++++
A married couple in their early 60s were celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.
Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table saying, "For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish."
"Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband," said the wife. The fairy waved her magic wand and -- poof! Two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.
The husband thought for a moment, and then said, "Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than I."
The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish. So the fairy waved her magic wand and -- poof! The husband became 92 years old.
Shortly after that, Rose passed on. At midnight a couple of nights later, Barb was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, "Barb, Barb." "Who is it?" asked Barb, sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"
"Barb -- it's me, Rose."
"You're not Rose. Rose just died."
"I'm telling you, it's me, Rose," insisted the voice. "Rose! Where are you?"
"In Heaven," replied Rose. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."
"Tell me the good news first," said Barb.
"The good news," Rose said, "is that there's Softball in Heaven. Better yet, all of our old buddies who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always springtime, and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play softball all we want, and we never get tired."
"That's fantastic," said Barb.. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?"
"You're pitching Tuesday."
+++++
"Your fortune"
A husband stepped on one of those penny scales that tell your weight and fortune and dropped in a coin.
"Listen to this," he said to his wife, showing her a small, white card. "It says I'm energetic, bright, resourceful and a great lover."
"Uh huh," his wife nodded. She then pointed at the card, "Look, it has your weight wrong, too."
+++++
Gift Registry
My sister went to the department store to check out the bridal registry of our niece whose wedding was coming up soon. When my sister returned from the store, she tossed the gift list on a table and declared, "I think she's too young to get married." "Why do you say that?" I asked. "Because," she said, "they registered for Nintendo games."
Forgive Our Enemies
In his Sunday sermon, the minister used "Forgive Your Enemies" as his subject. After the sermon, he asked how many were willing to forgive their enemies. About half held up their hands. Not satisfied, he harangued the congregation for another twenty minutes and repeated his question. This received a response of eighty percent. Still unsatisfied, he lectured for fifteen more minutes and repeated his question. All responded except one elderly gentleman in the rear. "Mr. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?" "I don't have any." "Mr. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?" "One hundred and one." "Mr. Jones, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a man can live to be one hundred and one and not have an enemy in the world." The old man teetered down the aisle, slowly turned to face the congregation, smiled and said, "I outlived every one of them!"
A Cluttered Desk Is...
About a week ago, I came across an Internet advice column that told me how to eliminate the paperwork clutter on my desk. GREAT! So I printed out the five pages of how-to instructions and placed them on top of the rest of the stuff on my desk. Now I can't find them.
+++++
A married couple in their early 60s were celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.
Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table saying, "For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish."
"Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband," said the wife. The fairy waved her magic wand and -- poof! Two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.
The husband thought for a moment, and then said, "Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than I."
The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish. So the fairy waved her magic wand and -- poof! The husband became 92 years old.
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