Friday's Funnies

Two 90-year-old women, Rose and Barb, had been friends all of their lives. When it was clear that Rose was dying, Barb visited her every day. One day Barb said, "Rose, we both loved playing women's softball all our lives, and we played in all through High School. Please do me one favor: when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's women's softball there." Rose looked up at Barb from her deathbed, "Barb, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for you."

Shortly after that, Rose passed on. At midnight a couple of nights later, Barb was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, "Barb, Barb." "Who is it?" asked Barb, sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"

"Barb -- it's me, Rose."
"You're not Rose. Rose just died."

"I'm telling you, it's me, Rose," insisted the voice. "Rose! Where are you?"
"In Heaven," replied Rose. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."

"Tell me the good news first," said Barb.

"The good news," Rose said, "is that there's Softball in Heaven. Better yet, all of our old buddies who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always springtime, and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play softball all we want, and we never get tired."

"That's fantastic," said Barb.. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?"

"You're pitching Tuesday."

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"Your fortune"

A husband stepped on one of those penny scales that tell your weight and fortune and dropped in a coin.

"Listen to this," he said to his wife, showing her a small, white card. "It says I'm energetic, bright, resourceful and a great lover."

"Uh huh," his wife nodded. She then pointed at the card, "Look, it has your weight wrong, too."

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Gift Registry

My sister went to the department store to check out the bridal registry of our niece whose wedding was coming up soon. When my sister returned from the store, she tossed the gift list on a table and declared, "I think she's too young to get married." "Why do you say that?" I asked. "Because," she said, "they registered for Nintendo games."

Forgive Our Enemies

In his Sunday sermon, the minister used "Forgive Your Enemies" as his subject. After the sermon, he asked how many were willing to forgive their enemies. About half held up their hands. Not satisfied, he harangued the congregation for another twenty minutes and repeated his question. This received a response of eighty percent. Still unsatisfied, he lectured for fifteen more minutes and repeated his question. All responded except one elderly gentleman in the rear. "Mr. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?" "I don't have any." "Mr. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?" "One hundred and one." "Mr. Jones, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a man can live to be one hundred and one and not have an enemy in the world." The old man teetered down the aisle, slowly turned to face the congregation, smiled and said, "I outlived every one of them!"

A Cluttered Desk Is...

About a week ago, I came across an Internet advice column that told me how to eliminate the paperwork clutter on my desk. GREAT! So I printed out the five pages of how-to instructions and placed them on top of the rest of the stuff on my desk. Now I can't find them.

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A married couple in their early 60s were celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.

Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table saying, "For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish."

"Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband," said the wife. The fairy waved her magic wand and -- poof! Two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.

The husband thought for a moment, and then said, "Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than I."

The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish. So the fairy waved her magic wand and -- poof! The husband became 92 years old.