Friday's Funnies

A recent study found the average American walks about 900 miles per year. Another study found Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year.

That means, on average, Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon.

Wow we're good!

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A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation were chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner. He was delayed, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.

'I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife; taken illegal drugs, etc…. I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.'.....

Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk. 'I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived,' said the politician. 'In fact, I had the honor of being the first one to go to him in confession.'

Moral: NEVER, NEVER, NEVER BE LATE

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Hungry?

An enthusiastic door-to-door vacuum cleaner salesman goes to the first house in his new territory. He knocks and a lady opens the door. Before she has a chance to say anything, he runs inside and dumps garden soil all over the carpet. He says, "Lady, if this vacuum cleaner doesn't do wonders cleaning this up, I'll eat every bit of it." She turns to him with a smirk and says, "You want ketchup on that?" The salesman says, "Why do you ask?" She says, "We just moved in and we haven't got the electricity turned on yet."

French Dream

A boy was having a lot of difficulty in French class. To encourage him, his teacher said, "You'll know you're really beginning to get it when you start dreaming in French." The boy ran into class one day all excited, saying, "Teacher, teacher! I had a dream last night and everyone was talking in French." "Great," said the teacher; "what were they saying?" "I don't know," the boy replied. "I couldn't understand them."

Where There's a Will...

A woman was bitten by a mad dog and was advised to make a will because there was a possibility of rabies. She wrote furiously for two hours. "It looks like an unusually long will," her lawyer said. "Who's writing a will?" she snapped. "This is a list of people I want to bite!"

State Pride

Apparently I tend to brag too much about my home state of Ohio. One day I told a long-suffering friend, "You know, the first man in powered flight was from Ohio. The first man to orbit the earth was from Ohio. And the first man on the moon was from Ohio." "Sounds like a lot of people are trying to get out of Ohio," he observed.

Oops

An attorney I know once drafted wills for an elderly husband and wife who had been somewhat apprehensive about discussing death. When they arrived to sign the documents, he ushered the couple into his office. "Now," he said to them, "which one of you wants to go first?"

Counting Goats

Who says today's kids aren't smart? At a high school in Montana a group of high schoolers played a prank on the school. They let 3 goats loose in the school. Before they let them go they painted numbers on the sides of the goats..1-2-4. Local school administrators spent most of the day looking for #3.

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1/2 Davis Junior = Semi Davis Junior

1/10 Appolis = 1 Miniappolis

1/2 Moore = Demi Moore

Nufish + Nufish = Tunafish

3.14159 Ano = piano

1/10 Arnez = 1 Deci Arnez

1/9 Nanette = Nononanette

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You are in a steel room with no windows, doors or openings. All you have is a matchbook... how do you get out?

Answer: Strike One! Strike Two! Strike Three...You're Out!