Friday's Funnies

The husband and wife go to a counselor after 15 years of marriage. The counselor asks them what the problem is. The wife goes into a tirade listing every problem they have ever had in the 15 years they've been married. She goes on and on and on. Finally, the counselor gets up, goes around the desk, embraces the woman and kisses her passionately. The woman shuts up and sits quietly in a daze. The counselor turns to the husband and says "that is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do that?"
The husband thinks for a moment and replies, "Well, I can get her here to your office Monday and Wednesday, but Friday I golf."

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Practical Questions

Flying home after visiting her daughter in England, a woman arranged to have her husband meet her plane at the Vancouver, B.C., airport. This meant a stop at the border crossing between the United States and Canada, where her husband was asked, "What is your reason for entering the country?" and "How long are you planning to stay?" He replied that he was picking his wife up at the airport after her trip to England. Without missing a beat, the guard asked two more questions in the same business-like tone: "Is the house clean?" and "Are there fresh flowers on the table?"

Of Noah Count

Noah opens up the ark and let all the animals out, telling them to "Go forth and multiply!" He's closing the great doors of the ark when he notices that there are two snakes sitting in a dark corner. So he says to them, "Didn't you hear me? You can go now. Go forth and multiply." "We can't," said the snakes. "We're adders."

The Real Reason

The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

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These classifieds were really put in the paper - a smile for your day

FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.

FREE PUPPIES.. Mother, AKC German Shepherd. Father, Super Dog...able to
leap tall fences in a single bound.

FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG. Looks like a rat. Been out a while. Better be a
big reward.

NORDIC TRACK $300 Hardly used, call Chubby.

GEORGIA PEACHES California grown - 89 cents/lb.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY! Must sell washer and dryer $300.

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE Worn once by mistake. Call Brenda.

And the best one:

FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition. $1,000 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married
last month. Wife knows everything.

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BILLBOARD SIGN

I saw a billboard sign that said:

NEED HELP, CALL JESUS

1-800-005-3787

Out of curiosity, I did.

A Mexican showed up with a lawnmower

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Kathy said to her friend, "I just don't understand the attraction golf holds for men."

"TELL me about it!" Vickie replied. "I went golfing with John one time, and he told me I asked too many questions!"

"Well, I'm sure you were just trying to understand the game. What questions did you ask?"
"I asked legitimate questions -- like, 'Why did you hit the ball into that lake?'"

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A Sunday School teacher asked her young class, "What is prayer?" One of her pupils answered, "That's a message sent to God at night and on Sundays, when the rates are lower."