Friday's Funnies

"Shopping trip"

A wife sent her husband and their daughter to the health food store with a carefully prepared shopping list. They returned with brussel sprouts, organically grown tomatoes, wild rice, tofu, veggie burgers and a box of sugar cookies.

The man noticed his wife's glare when she pulled out the cookies. So he said, "Hey, those cookies have one-third less sugar AND fat than usual!"

"Really? Why is that?" the mother asked.

"We ate a third of them on the way home," he replied.

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"What's in a Name?"

Lawyer's daughter: Sue
Thief's son: Rob
Lawyer's son: Will
Doctor's son: Bill
Meteorologist's daughter: Haley
Steam shovel operator's son: Doug
Hair Stylist's son: Bob
Homeopathic doctor's son: Herb
Justice of the peace's daughter: Mary
Sound stage technician's son: Mike
Hot-dog vendor's son: Frank
Gambler's daughter: Bette
Exercise guru's son: Jim
Cattle Thief's son: Russell
Painter's son: Art
Iron worker's son: Rusty
TV show star's daughter: Emmy
Movie star's son: Oscar
Barber's son: Harry

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When a man says, "Honey, there are only two minutes left in the football game," it is the same amount of time as when his wife says, "Honey, I'll be ready in two minutes."

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There are three stages in life: You have to take a nap and don't want to; you want to take a nap but don't have the time; and you want to take a nap and have the time, but you can't fall asleep.

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Who Says Rednecks Are Dumb?

"Hello, is this the sheriff's office?"

"Yes. What can I do for you?"

"I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith. He's hidin' marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he's hidin' it there."

"Thank you very much for the call, sir."

The next day, the sheriff's deputies descend on Virgil's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave. Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house.

"Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd. Did the sheriff come?"

"Yeah!"

"Did they chop your firewood?"

"Yep!"

"Happy birthday, buddy!"

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A doctor, and engineer and a lawyer were arguing over whose profession was the oldest. "On the sixth day, God took one of Adam's ribs and created Eve," said the doctor. "So that make him a surgeon first."

"Please," said the engineer. "Before that, God created the world from chaos and confusion, so he was first an engineer."

"Interesting," said the lawyer smugly, "but who do you think created the chaos and confusion?"

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"If a woman has to chose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life," observes humorist Dave Barry, reflecting on the differences between the sexes, "she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base."