Friday's Funnies

"Welcome to Paris"

A new porter at a Paris hotel was instructed by the manager that it was important to call the guests by their names in order to make them feel welcome, and that the easiest way to find out their name was to look at their luggage.

Armed with this advice, the porter took two guests up to their rooms, put down their bags and said, "I hope you 'ave a very 'appy stay 'ere in Paris, Mr and Mrs Genuine Cow'ide."

+++++

Peach Tree Rescue

Unexpected cold snaps had destroyed the buds on my father's young peach tree for two years in a row. This spring, Dad was ready. He replanted the sapling in a large box, mounted it on wheels, and put the tree in the garage whenever the temperature dropped.

One warm April day, Dad was wheeling the tree out into the yard, and he stopped to give our dog a drink from the garden hose. A neighbor watched the scene with amusement. "Frank,"
he finally commented, "you're the only man I know who walks his tree and waters his dog!"

+++++

Elderly Blind Date

An 85-year-old widow went on a blind date with a 90-year-old man. When she returned to her daughter's house later that night, she seemed upset.

"What happened, Mother?" the daughter asked.

"I had to slap his face three times!"

"You mean he got fresh?"

"No," she answered, "I thought he was dead."

+++++

Broken Bone

While leading a tour of kindergarten students through our hospital, I overheard a conversation between one little girl and an x-ray technician.

"Have you ever broken a bone?" he asked.

"Yes," the girl replied.

"Did it hurt?"

"No."

"Really? Which bone did you break?"

"My sister's arm."

+++++

Need a Haircut

A pastor, known for his lengthy sermons, noticed a man get up and leave during the middle of his message. The man returned just before the conclusion of the service.

Afterward the pastor asked the man where he had gone. "I went to get a haircut," was the reply.

"But," said the pastor, "why didn't you do that before the service started?"

"Because," the gentleman said, "I didn't need one then."

+++++

Car Privileges

The mother and father had just given their teenage daughter family-car privileges. On Saturday night she returned home very late from a party.

The next morning, her father went out to the driveway to get the newspaper and came back into the house frowning. At 11:30 AM the girl sleepily walked into the kitchen, and her father asked her, "Sweetheart, what time did you get in last night?"

"Not too late, Dad," she replied nervously.

Dead-panned, her father said, "Then, my precious one, I'll have to talk with the paperboy about putting my paper under the front tire of the car."

+++++

Jeff Foxworthy:

"Things are more sophisticated in the North," says comedian Jeff Foxworthy. "For example, in the North when guys fall in love, they think they have to buy candy, wine and roses. When we fall in love in the South, we just spray paint your name on an overpass."