Friday's Funnies

 Teens

 

"Why is Dad never home?" the 16 year old girl asked her mother. "Well, dear, he has taken a second job so that you can have iPads, mobile phone, a TV in your room, club memberships, cosmetics, trendy clothes . . . he does it all for you, so his beautiful girl doesn't miss out on a thing." "Wow," the teenager replied thoughtfully, "that's really very selfish of him, isn't it?"

 

Speeding Ticket

A driver got a speeding ticket and went to pay the fine. The police clerk issued a receipt for payment and the annoyed driver said, "What am I supposed to do with this?" "Keep it," the clerk advised. "If you collect enough of them, you get a bicycle!"

 

Sunday School Lesson

 

The Sunday school lesson for the day was about Noah's Ark, so the preschool teacher in our Kentucky church decided to get her small pupils involved by playing a game in which they identified animals. "I'm going to describe something to you. Let's see if you can guess what it is. First: I'm furry with a bushy tail and I like to climb trees." The children looked at her blankly. "I also like to eat nuts, especially acorns." No response. This wasn't going well at all! "I'm usually brown or grey, but sometimes I can be black or red." Desperate, the teacher turned to a perky four-year-old who was usually good about coming up with the answers. "Michelle, what do you think?"

Michelle looked hesitantly at her classmates and replied, "Well, I know the answer has to be Jesus -- but it sure sounds like a squirrel to me!"

 

Rules For Procrastinators

1. If anything is worth doing, it would have been done already.
2. Never put off until tomorrow what you can forget about altogether.
3. All deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the amount of time given.
4. The probability of a miracle, though infinitesimally small, is not exactly zero.
5. If at first you don't succeed, there is always next year.

 

Lost In The Translation

 

A six-year-old goes to the hospital with his grandma to visit his grandpa. When they get to the hospital, he runs ahead of his grandma and bursts into his grandpa's room. "Grandpa, Grandpa!" he says excitedly, "As soon as Grandma comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!" "What?" said his grandpa. Make a noise like a frog because Grandma said that as soon as you croak, we're going to Disneyland!!!"

 

Useless Inventions

 

Black Highlighter
Braille Driver's Manual
Clear Correction Fluid
Fake Rhinestones

Inflatable Dart Board
Mesh Umbrella
Motorcycle Air Conditioner
Sugar Coated Toothpaste
Super-glue Post-it Notes

Walk-In Clinic

 

A woman went to a walk-in clinic, where she was seen by a young, new doctor. After about three minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant.  She burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall.  An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him what had happened.  After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another exam room.  The doctor marched down the hallway back to where the first doctor was and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 59 years old, has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was PREGNANT?!"  The young doctor continued to write on his clipboard, and without looking up, asked, "Does she still have the hiccups?"

 

Church

 

A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."

 

Murphy’s Laws For Parents

1. The tennis shoes you must replace today will go on sale next week.
2. Leakproof anything will leak.
3. The chances of a piece of bread falling with the grape jelly side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.
4. The garbage truck will be two doors past your house when the argument over whose day it is to take out the trash ends.
5. The shirt your child must wear today will be the only one that needs to be washed or mended.
6. Gym clothes left at school in lockers mildew at a faster rate than other clothing.
7. The item your child lost - and must have for school within the next ten seconds - will be found in the last place you look.
8. Sick children recover miraculously when the pediatrician enters the treatment room.
9. Refrigerated items, used daily, will gravitate toward the back of the refrigerator.
10. Your chances of being seen by someone you know dramatically increase if you drive your child to school in your robe and curlers.

Dad Joke

 

I caught my son chewing on electrical cords. So, I had to ground him. He's doing better currently. And conducting himself properly.

Today’s Thought

LAZY is such an ugly word. I prefer SELECTIVE PARTICIPATION.