Friday's Funnies

 Funny Signs

 

-        Do UK websites use biscuits instead of cookies?

-        Tradition is peer pressure from the dead.

-        Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time!

-        Dear Naps, I'm sorry I was a jerk to you as a kid.

-        I just did a week's worth of cardio after walking into a spider web.

-        I wish I had a pair of skinny genes.

-        I used to cough to hide my flatulence. Now (with COVID) I flatulate to hide my coughs.

-        The first five days after the weekend are the hardest.

-        What I if told you, you read the first part of this sentence wrong?

 

On-board Computer

 

A friend of mine bought a new car that sported an on-board computer. One Sunday morning when he got into the car to drive to church, the digital display lit up.  Glancing at the readout, he chuckled at the announcement: "Time for service."

Job Interview

 

The interviewer examined the job application then turned to the prospective employee. "I see you have put ASAP down for the date you are available to start, meaning as soon as possible, of course. However, I see you've put AMAP down for required salary. I don't believe I've ever seen that before, what does it mean?" The applicant replied, "As Much as Possible!"

Repair Shop

 

When a guy's printer type began to grow faint, he called a local repair shop where a friendly man informed him that the printer probably needed only to be cleaned. Because the store charged $50 for such cleanings, he told him he might be better off reading the printer's manual and trying the job himself. Pleasantly surprised by his candor, he asked, "Does your boss know that you discourage business?" "Actually, it's my boss's idea," the employee replied sheepishly. "We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves first."

 

Doctor’s Office

 

A guy goes into the doctor's office. There's a banana stuck in one of his ears, a carrot stuck in one nostril, and a cucumber in the other ear. The man says, "Doc, this is terrible. What's wrong with me?" The doctor says, "Well, first of all, you're not eating right." 

Psychiatrist

 

John went to a psychiatrist: "I've got problems. Every time I go to bed, I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy."  "Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "Come talk to me three times a week, and we should be able to get rid of those fears."  "How much do you charge?" John asked warily. "Each visit is $300," replied the doctor. "Well, I'll sleep on it." Six months later the doctor bumped into John on the street: "Why didn't you ever come to see me about those fears you were having?" "Well, three hundred bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A friend at work cured me for nothing. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought myself a new pickup!" "Is that so?! And how, may I ask, did your friend cure you?" "He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"

 

Flu Notes

(Notes pinned to the pillow of a mother who has the flu by a well-meaning husband who has inherited the house and kids.)

Monday A.M.:
Dearest: Sleep late. Everything under control. Lunches packed. Kids off to school. Menu for dinner planned. Your lunch is on a tray in refrigerator: fruit cup, finger-sandwiches. Thermos of hot tea by bedside. See you around six.

Tuesday A.M.:
Honey: Sorry about the egg rack in the refrigerator. Hope you got back to sleep. Did the kids tell you about the Coke I put in the Thermoses? The school might call you on this. Dinner may be a little late. I'm doing your door-to-door canvas for liver research. Your lunch is in refrigerator. Hope you like leftover chili.

Wednesday A.M.:
Dear Doris: Why in the name of all that is sane would you put soap powder in the flour canister! If you have time, could you please come up with a likely spot for Chris's missing shoes? We've checked the clothes hamper, garage, back seat of the car and wood box. Did you know the school has a ruling on bedroom slippers? There's some cold pizza for you on a napkin in the oven drawer. Will be late tonight. Driving eight Girl Scouts to tour meatpacking house.

Thursday A.M.:
Doris: Don't panic over water in hallway. It crested last night at 9pm. Will finish laundry tonight. Please pencil in answers to following:
1. How do you turn on the garbage disposal?
2. How do you turn off the milkman?
3. Why would that rotten kid leave his shoes in his boots?
4. What do you do with leftovers when they begin to snap at you when you open the door?
I don't know what you're having for lunch! Surprise me!

Friday A.M.:
Hey: Don't drink from pitcher by the sink. Am trying to restore pink dress shirt to original white. Take heart. Tonight, the ironing will be folded, the house cleaned and the dinner on time. I called your mother.

Dad Joke

What does a thesaurus eat for breakfast? Synonym rolls.

Today’s Thought

At a job interview, tell them you're willing to give 110 percent. Unless the job is a statistician.