Friday's Funnies

 Diet

I don't mean to brag, but I finished my 14-day diet food supply in 3 hours and 20 minutes.

 

English

 

The English Language is weird. It can be understood through tough thorough thought though.

 

Retirement

 

(Husband) Now that I'm retired, I finally have my very own Command Center!
(Wife) It looks like a lazy boy recliner, a TV remote and a half-eaten bag of Cheetos on an end table to me!
(Husband) It's a clandestine operation so don't tell anyone!
(Wife) Don't worry I won't tell a soul! Just to clear things up though, is the armchair law practice and the sports announcing gig a secret too?

Handyman

Hired a handyman and gave him a list of tasks. When I got home, only items #1, 3, & 5 were done. Turns out he only does odd jobs.

Fat Free

 

A boy read a restaurant sign that advertised fat-free French fries. "Sounds great," said the health-conscious boy. He ordered some. He watched as the cook pulled a basket of fries from the fryer. The potatoes were dripping with oil when the cook put them into the container. "Wait a minute," the boy said. "Those don't look fat-free." "Sure they are," the cook said. "We charge only for the potatoes. The fat is free."

 

Multitasker

 

I'm a multitasker. I can listen, ignore and forget all at the same time!

 

Bribing the Judge

 

A Judge addressed the court, at the start of a case: "I have to declare an interest in this case. Last week, the plaintiff sent me a check for $10,000 to find in his favor. Two days later, I received $20,000 from the defendant to find in his favor. "I have therefore sent $10,000 back to the defendant and can try the case without bias."

Getting Married

 

Dearest Dad, I am coming home to get married soon. Can you help pay for a big wedding? I am presently in Australia and the boy I love lives in Scotland. We met on a dating website, became friends on Facebook, had long chats on WhatsApp. He proposed to me on Zoom, and we've stayed in touch through Viber. Dad, can I count on you for a big wedding? Your favorite daughter, Lilly

Dad's response:  My Dearest Lilly, Like Wow! Really? Cool! I suggest you two get married on Twitter, have a honeymoon on Tango, buy your kids on Amazon, and pay for it all through PayPal. And when you get fed up with this new husband, sell him on eBay! Love, Dad

Entering Heaven

 

Bob dies and goes to heaven. He is met at the pearly gates by the angel overseeing all the admissions into heaven. The angel looks at him and starts flipping through the book in front of him. "Bob," begins the angel, "we have a problem. As far as I can see, you have exactly fifty percent good deeds and fifty percent sins. I can't let you into heaven on that basis. Are there any good deeds in your life that I may have missed that would tip the scales?"  "Well, what about the time that I was on the train and a man was about to beat an old woman senseless and I stepped in to stop him?" The angel flips through the book again, "Gee, I don't see that in here … when did that happen?"  Bob answered, "Couldn't have been more than five minutes ago!"

 

Zoom Meeting

 

Online meetings: Not muting your mic is the new Reply To All.

 

Vendor Problem

 

In a software design meeting, we were using typical technical jargon to discuss a data exchange interface with a vendor. One co-worker said the programming we had ordered was delayed because the vendor was suffering from a "severe nonlinear waterfowl issue." Curious, the team leader raised his eyebrows and asked, "What exactly is that?" The programmer replied, "They don't have all their ducks in a row."

 

Deer Hunting

 

A group of friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck. "Where's Henry?" the others asked. "Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied. "You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired. "A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!"

 

Doctor

 

Patient: "Doctor, I accidentally swallowed a spoon!"
Doctor: "Okay, sit down and don't stir."

Dad Joke

Every morning I announce that I'm going jogging, but then I don't. It's a running joke.

 

Today’s Thought

Happiness is not having to set the alarm clock.