Friday's Funnies

 Funny Signs

 

-        Astronauts use Linux because you can't open windows in space.

-        Ban pre-shredded cheese! Make America grate again!

-        Becoming a vegetarian is a big missed steak.

-        I child-proofed my house, but the kids still get in.

-        Flat-earthers have nothing to fear but sphere itself.

-        Geology rocks, but Geography is where it's at!

-        My wife said I never listen to her, or something like that.

-        There are three things that never lie: children, drunks and yoga pants.

-        I used to think I was indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

 

Protection

 

The following are a few simple ways to keep burglars out of the house by putting a few signs in well-placed locations.

Dear Mr. Butcher, starting tomorrow, please leave eight pounds of meat for Brutus. Six pounds only makes him angry and vicious!

Dear Mr. Mailman, we found bloodstains all over our mail. They must be yours. The next time you put mail into our slot, please be sure to keep all parts of your body well clear of all openings. P.S. Any sign of that book we ordered, "The Care and Feeding of Wild Jungle Cats?"

Dear Mr. Exterminator, be very careful when you go inside! The termites have eaten through most of the floorboards, and you will fall into the basement where all of the rats are!

To whom it may concern: Some of the items in this house have been engraved with Federal Identification Numbers. Others have merely been wired to explode when touched. Good luck...

Selma, don't come in! The boa constrictor got loose again...

 

The Frenchman

 

A Frenchman walks into a bar with a parrot perched on his shoulder. "Wow," says the bartended, "that's pretty cool, where'd you get him?" "Oh, him?" Says the parrot, "I found him in France, There's millions more over there."

 

Sunday School Lesson

 

The Sunday school lesson for the day was about Noah's Ark, so the preschool teacher in our Kentucky church decided to get her small pupils involved by playing a game in which they identified animals. "I'm going to describe something to you. Let's see if you can guess what it is. First: I'm furry with a bushy tail and I like to climb trees." The children looked at her blankly. "I also like to eat nuts, especially acorns." No response. This wasn't going well at all! "I'm usually brown or grey, but sometimes I can be black or red." Desperate, the teacher turned to a perky four-year-old who was usually good about coming up with the answers. "Michelle, what do you think?" Michelle looked hesitantly at her classmates and replied, "Well, I know the answer has to be Jesus -- but it sure sounds like a squirrel to me!"

 

Lucky Number 5

 

A 55-year-old man who was born on May 5, had been married 5 years, had 5 children, and made $55,555.55 a year. Of course, his lucky number was 5. The man receives a phone call from a friend. The friend informs him that a horse named Lucky 5 will be running in the fifth race at the local track that evening. Excitedly, the man withdraws $5,555.00 cash from his bank account, goes to the races and bets on Lucky 5. Sure enough the horse comes in fifth.

First Prize

 

A little boy took his dog on a "take your pet to school" day. There were prizes for the smallest, the prettiest, the cutest, and the smartest pet. Determined that his dog win a prize, the boy put his pet through a whole series of tricks. Finally, the boy turned to the dog and asked, "Mindy, how much is two plus two minus four?" The dog sat quietly, making no sound, remaining still and silent. "Right!" exclaimed the boy. His dog won first prize.

Women

 

Husband's Message (by cellphone): Honey, I was involved in a car accident. Paula brought me to the Hospital. They have been making tests and taking X-rays. The blow to my head has been very severe. Fortunately, it seems that it did not cause any serious injury. But I have three broken ribs, a compound fracture in the left leg and they may have to amputate the right foot.

Wife's Response: Who is Paula?

 

Insurance

 

An insurance salesman was trying to persuade a housewife that she should take out life insurance. "Suppose your husband were to die," he said, "What would you get?"  The housewife thought for a while, and then said, "Oh, a parrot, I think. Then the house wouldn't seem so quiet."

 

From the Cat…

 

To tell the weather, go to your back door and look for the dog. If the dog is at the door and he is wet, it's probably raining. But if the dog is standing there really soaking wet, it is probably raining really hard. If the dog's fur looks like it's been rubbed the wrong way, it's probably windy. If the dog has snow on his back, it's probably snowing. Of course, to be able to tell the weather like this, you must leave the dog outside all the time, especially if you expect bad weather.  Sincerely, The Cat

 

Dad Joke

 

Which country's capital has the fastest-growing population?  Ireland.  Every day it's Dublin.

 

Today’s Thought

What do you get when you mix poison ivy with a four-leaf clover? A rash of good luck.