Sick Day
Our local newspaper ran several stories about a study that tied
male obesity to a virus. One evening my brother came home exhausted from a long
day at work. "Did you read the paper?" he asked. "Yes. I'm not
going in to work tomorrow. I'm calling in fat."
Groaners
How does an attorney sleep?
First, he lies on one side, then he lies on the other side.
I have a few jokes about unemployed people, but none of them work.
What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is really
heavy and the other is a little lighter.
Two windmills are standing in a wind farm. One asks, “What’s your
favorite kind of music? The other says, “I’m a big metal fan.”
Hear about the new restaurant called Karma? There’s no menu - you
get what you deserve.
I went to buy some camouflage trousers yesterday, but couldn't
find any.
What do you call a bee that can’t make up its mind? A maybe.
I tried to sue the airline for losing my luggage. I lost my case.
Is it ignorance or apathy that's destroying the world today? I
don't know and don't really care.
I wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I
changed my mind.
What's Wrong With Me
A guy walks into a doctor's office. He has a sausage coming out of
his ear, a waffle coming out of his nose, and bacon coming out of his other
ear. He says worriedly, "Doc, what's wrong with me?" The doctor
replies, ''You're not eating properly.'
Argument
A couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a
word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to
concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the
husband sarcastically asked, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep,"
the wife replied, "In-laws."
Contagious
A man feels very ill upon returning to the U.S. from a trip
abroad. He goes to see his doctor and is immediately rushed to the hospital to
undergo a barrage of extensive tests. The man wakes up after the tests in a
private room at the hospital, and the phone by his bed rings. "This is
your doctor. We've got the results back from your tests, and we've found you
have an exceptionally dangerous virus that is extremely contagious!" "Oh
my," cries the man in a panic, "What are you going to do?!" Well,
we're going to put you on a diet of pizzas, pancakes, and quesadillas." "Will that cure me?" asked the man
hopefully. The doctor replied, "No, but it's the only food we can get
under the door."
Important Document
A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he
found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his
hand. "Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and
important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make
this thing work?" "Certainly," said the young executive. He
turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside
the machine. "I just need one copy."
Time Off
Two factory workers were talking. "I know how to get some
time off from work," said the man. "How do you think you will do
that?" said the other. He proceeded to show her by climbing up to the
rafters and hanging upside down. The boss walked in, saw the worker hanging
from the ceiling, and asked him what on earth he was doing? "I'm a light
bulb" answered the guy. "I think you need some time off," said
the boss. So, the man jumped down and walked out of the factory. The second
worker began walking out too. The boss asked her where did she think she was
going? "Home. I can't work in the dark."
What Would You Like To Be?
Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the
Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, "I'd like to get you guys in now, but our
computer's down. You'll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you
can't go back as humans. What'll it be?" The first priest says, "I've
always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky Mountains." "So
be it," says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest. The second priest
mulls this over for a moment and asks, "Will any of this week 'count', St.
Peter?" "No, I told you the computer's down. There's no way we can
keep track of what you're doing. The week's a freebie." "In that
case," says the second priest, "I've always wanted to be a
stud." "So be it," says St. Peter, and the second priest
disappears. A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter
to recall the two priests. "Will you have any trouble locating them?"
he asks. "The first one should be easy," says St. Peter. "He's
somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could
prove to be more difficult." "Why?" asked the Lord. St. Peter
answered, "He's on a snow tire, somewhere in North Dakota."
Drunk Driver
After the accident, I told the police officer I thought the driver
of the other vehicle was drunk. He told me the other vehicle was a cow.
Dad Joke
My wife asked me if I could clear the kitchen table. I had to get a running
start, but I made it!
Today’s Thought
Bringing my dog named SHARK to the beach yesterday was probably
not the best idea.
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