Teens
A teenage girl had been talking on her phone for about half an
hour, and then she hung up. "Wow!" said her father, "That was
short. You usually talk for two hours or more. What happened?" "Wrong
number..." replied the girl.
Aging
When you're young and drop something, you pick it up. When you're older and
drop something, you stare at it for a bit contemplating if you need it anymore.
Funny Joke
My boss just texted me: "Send
me one of your funny jokes!" I texted him back: "I'm busy working.
I'll send one later." "That's hilarious," he said. "Send
another one!"
Care and Feeding
The doctor was giving the new mother instructions on the care of
her first baby. "Actually, it's quite simple." he said. "Just
keep one end full and the other end dry and clean."
Poor Eyesight
An eighty-year-old man's golf game was hampered by
poor eyesight. He could hit the ball well, but he couldn't see where it went.
So his doctor teamed him up with a ninety-year-old man who had perfect eyesight
and was willing to go along to serve as a spotter. The eighty-year-old man
hit the first ball and asked his companion if he saw where it landed. "Yep,"
said the ninety-year-old. "Where did it go?" the
eighty-year-old demanded. The ninety-year-old replied, "I don't
remember."
Two Crows
Two crows were in a field when they noticed a figure that looked
like a man in the distance. "See that over there? What is that?" asks
the first crow. The second crow takes a long look and then says, "That's a
scarecrow. Looks authentic, doesn't it?" "How can you tell it's a
scarecrow and not a person?" replies the first crow. "Look at its
hands," says the second crow. "It's not holding a mobile phone."
Overheard On Noah’s Ark
10. "Did anyone think about bringing a couple of umbrellas?"
9. "Hey, there are more than two flies in here!"
8. "I finally get a bass boat and now I have to take the whole
family..."
7. "Wasn't someone supposed to put two shovels on board?"
6. "Help! I need some Pepto for the elephants--QUICK!"
5. "OK, who's the wise-guy who brought the mosquitoes on board?"
4. "Don't make me pull this Ark over and come back there!"
3. "And whatever you do, DO NOT pull this plug out."
2. "Nice doggie!"
1. "Are we there yet?"
The Preacher And The Lawn Mower
A preacher was making his rounds to his parishioners on a bicycle when he came upon a little boy trying to sell a lawn mower. "How much do
you want for the mower?" asked the preacher. "I just want enough
money to go out and buy me a bicycle", said the little boy. After a moment
of consideration, the preacher asked, "Will you take my bike in trade for
it?" The little boy asked if he could try it out first, and after
riding the bike around a little while said, "Mister, you've got yourself a
deal." The preacher took the mower and began to try to crank it. He
pulled on the cord a few times with no response from the mower. The preacher
called the little boy over and said, "I can't get this mower to
start." The little boy said, "That's because you have to
cuss at it to get it started." The preacher said, "I am a minister,
and I cannot cuss. It has been so long since I have been saved that I do not
even remember how to cuss." The little boy looked at him happily and
said, "Just keep pulling on that cord. It'll come back to ya!"
Useless Inventions
Black Highlighter
Braille Driver's Manual
Clear Correction Fluid
Fake Rhinestones
Inflatable Dart Board
Mesh Umbrella
Motorcycle Air Conditioner
Sugar Coated Toothpaste
Super-glue Post-it Notes
Lumberjack And The Little Man
A large, well-established, lumber camp advertised
that they were looking for a good Lumberjack. The very next day, a skinny
little man showed up at the camp with his axe and knocked on the head
lumberjacks' door. The head lumberjack took one look at the little man and told
him to leave. "Just give me a chance to show you what I can do," said
the skinny man. "Okay, see that giant redwood over there?" said
the lumberjack. "Take your axe and go cut it down." The skinny man
headed for the tree, and in five minutes he was back knocking on the
lumberjack's door. "I cut the tree down," said the man. The
lumberjack couldn't believe his eyes and said, "Where did you get the
skill to chop down trees like that?" "In the Sahara
Forest," replied the puny man. "You mean the Sahara Desert,"
said the lumberjack. The little man laughed and answered back, "Oh
sure, that's what they call it now!"
Dad Joke
What is it called when you teach
people the benefits of eating dried grapes? Raisin awareness.
Today’s Thought
The more you weigh the harder you are to kidnap. Stay safe. Eat cake.
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