Friday's Funnies

We're all in this together--but please keep your distance!

I hope they give us two weeks’ notice before sending us back out into the real world. I think we'll all need the time to become ourselves again. And by "ourselves" I mean lose 10 pounds, cut our hair and get used to not drinking at 9:00 a.m.

New monthly budget: Gas $0, Entertainment $0, Clothes $0, Groceries $2,799.

Breaking News: Wearing a mask inside your home is now highly recommended. Not so much to stop COVID-19, but to stop eating.

Low maintenance chicks are having their moment right now. We don't have nails to fill and paint, roots to dye, eyelashes to re-mink, and are thrilled not to have to get dressed every day. I have been training for this moment my entire life!

When this quarantine is over, let's not tell some people.

I stepped on my scale this morning. It said: "Please practice social distancing. Only one person at a time on scale."

Not to brag, but I haven't been late to anything in over 6 weeks.

It may take a village to raise a child but I swear it’s going to take a vineyard to home school one.

You know those car commercials where there's only one vehicle on the road - doesn't seem so unrealistic these days.

They can open things up next month, I'm staying in until July to see what happens to y'all first.

People keep asking: "Is Coronavirus REALLY all that serious?" Listen y'all, the churches and casinos are closed. When heaven and hell agree on the same thing it's probably pretty serious.

Home school Day 1: I'm trying to figure out how I can get this kid transferred out of my class.

Okay, the schools are closed. So, do we drop the kids off at the teacher's house or what?

The dumbest thing I've ever bought was a 2020 planner.

Our Country...

The teacher was explaining to her 2nd grade class the significance of Memorial Day, and they were preparing some songs and stories to put on a little show for their parents. At one point the teacher pointed to the American flag and asked, "Does anyone know what flag this is?" A little girl called out, "That's the flag of our country!" "Very good!" the teacher said. "And what is the name of our country?" Confidently, the girl said, "'Tis Of Thee."

Schedule Update

Dewey called Dr. Mike Wilson's office for an appointment. "I'm sorry," said the receptionist, "we can't fit you in for at least two weeks." "But I could be dead by then!" "No problem. If your wife lets us know, we'll cancel the appointment."

Briefly...

-          Elevator music bothers me on so many different levels.

-          I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

-          How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Let Us Know

The following advertisement appeared in a physical culture magazine:

"Here's a good test for stomach muscles. Clasp your hands over your head and place your feet together on the floor. Now bend to the right at the waist as you sit down to the left of your feet. Now by sheer muscular control, haul yourself up, bend to the left and sit down on the floor to the right of your feet. Keep this up and let us know of the result."  The first letter received by the magazine said "HERNIA"

Patient/Doctor

I walked into doctor's office and said, "I've hurt my arm in several places."

The doctor replied, "Well, don't go there anymore."

Three Ropes

Three ropes walked into a bar to have a beer. One rope excused himself to use the bathroom and the other two went to order beers at the bar.  The bartender leaned over the bar and said, "We don't serve ropes in here, if you don't want any trouble, you'd better hit the road!" and the two little ropes scurried away. On their way out they bumped into their friend and told him what had happened.  "Don't worry about a thing." he said," Watch this!" and he twisted his top around and fluffed himself out. He sidled up to the bartender and ordered a beer.  The bartender poured the beer, but as he was handing it over he said," We don't serve ropes in here.... you wouldn't be a rope would you?"  "Oh no," said the fluffy rope, "I'm a frayed knot!!"

Jury Duty

When my mother was called for jury duty, she felt confident of her ability to answer the questions asked of prospective jurors. As a young attorney, I had filled her in on what to expect.  Asked about the occupations of family members, Mom answered, "My son is a lawyer."  As a follow-up, she was asked if she had ever used the services of an attorney.  "Only to mow my lawn."

Today’s Thought

Being more at home now, I regularly do crunches twice a day. Cap'n in the morning and Nestle's at night.