Friday's Funnies

Coronavirus One-Liners (Groaners)

* Finland has just closed their borders, so nobody will be crossing the Finnish line.

* Due to the quarantine, I'll only be telling inside jokes.

* There will be a minor baby boom in 9 months. Then around the year 2033, we shall witness the rise of the "quaranteens."

* World Health Organization has determined that dogs cannot contract Covid-19. Dogs previously being held in quarantine will be released. To be clear, WHO let the dogs out.

* I'll tell you a Coronavirus joke, but you'll have to wait two weeks to see if you got it.

* I ran out of toilet paper, so I had to start using old newspapers. Times are rough.

* What do you call panic buying of sausage and cheese in Germany? A Wurst Kase scenario.

* The grocery stores in France look like a tornado hit them. All that's left is de brie.

* So many coronavirus jokes out there, it's a pundemic.

Just For Seniors

I was in a long line at 7:45 am at the grocery store that opened at 8:00 for seniors only. A young man came from the parking lot and tried to cut in at the front of the line, but an old lady beat him back into the parking lot with her cane. He returned and tried to cut in again, but an old man punched him in the gut, then kicked him to the ground and rolled him away. As he approached the line for the third time he cried out, "If you people don't let me unlock the door, none of you will ever get in to shop."

Shorts

·         Wearing a mask inside your home is now highly recommended. Not so much to stop COVID-19, but to stop eating.

·         I hope they give us two weeks’ notice before sending us back out into the real world. I think we'll all need the time to become ourselves again. And by "ourselves" I mean lose 10 pounds and cut our hair.

·         I stepped on my scale this morning. It said: "Please practice social distancing. Only one person at a time on scale."

·         Not to brag, but I haven't been late to anything in over six weeks.

·         You know those car commercials where there's only one vehicle on the road? That hasn't seemed so unrealistic recently.

·         The dumbest thing I've ever bought was a 2020 planner.

Mosquitoes

Two city boys were on their first camping trip.  The mosquitoes were so fierce the boys had to hide under their blankets to keep from being devoured.  When they saw some lightning bugs, one boy said to the other: "We might as well give up, they're coming at us with flashlights!"

Odds & Ends

·         No one looks back on their life and remembers the nights they got plenty of sleep.

·         A pessimist is one who complains of the noise when opportunity knocks.

·         People are often lonely because they build walls instead of bridges.

·         A government bureau is where the taxpayer's shirt is kept.

·         Middle age is when your narrow waist and broad mind begin to change places.

·         Maybe if we start telling kids their brain is an app they will start using it.

Summer Camp

The first day of Summer Camp, a counselor was helping his kids stow their stuff.  He was surprised to see one of the youngsters had an umbrella.  The counselor asked, "Why did you bring an umbrella to camp?" 

The kid answered, "Did you ever have a mother?

Ouch

The main function of your little toe is to ensure that all the furniture is in its place.

Thoughts on Housekeeping

Vacuuming too often weakens the carpet fibers. Say this with a serious face, and shudder delicately whenever anyone mentions Carpet Fresh.

Dust bunnies can evolve into dust rhinos when disturbed. Rename the area under the couch "The Galapagos Islands" and claim an ecological exemption.

Layers of dirty film on windows and screens provide a helpful filter against harmful and aging rays from the sun. Call it an SPF factor of 5 and leave it alone.

Cobwebs artfully draped over lampshades reduces the glare from the bulb, thereby creating a romantic atmosphere. If your spouse points out that the light fixtures need dusting, simply look affronted and exclaim, "What? And spoil the mood?"

In a pinch, you can always claim that the haphazard tower of unread magazines and newspapers next to your chair provides the valuable Feng Shui aspect of a tiger, thereby reducing your vulnerability. Roll your eyes when you say this.

If unexpected company is coming, pile everything unsightly into one room and close the door. As you show your guests through your tidy home, rattle the door knob vigorously, fake a growl and say, "I'd love you to see our Den, but Fluffy hates to be disturbed and the shots are SO expensive."

Don't bother repainting. Simply scribble lightly over a dirty wall with an assortment of crayons, and try to muster a glint of tears as you say, "Junior did this the week before that unspeakable accident...I haven't had the heart to clean it..."

Mix one-quarter cup pine-scented household cleaner with four cups of water in a spray bottle. Mist the air lightly. Leave dampened rags in conspicuous locations. Develop an exhausted look, throw yourself onto the couch, and sigh, "I clean and I clean and I still don't get anywhere..."

Today’s Thought

I need to practice social-distancing from the refrigerator.