Friday's Funnies

Notice:  For those who have lost track, today is Blursday, the fortyteenth day of Maprilay.

Happy Mother’s Day - If evolution is true, why do mothers still only have one pair of hands?

Ten Signs Of A Frustrated Mother

1. Your children know how to beat every level of Mario Bros but can't operate a vacuum cleaner.

2. Your children tell you that you said "yes" and you don't even remember the question.

3. You go to the grocery store and find yourself having a good time.

4. Your husband asks how your day went and you rate it on a scale of 1-10 repeats of "stop that!" or "no!"

5. You can't remember the last time you didn't have to share your drink.

6. You mistakenly tell the kids it's "sanity" time when you meant to say "bed" time.

7. The laundry seems to have taken on an evil nature and you begin to feel that it's out to get you.

8. You dread hearing the phone ring because it's a sure sign there's about to be trouble amongst the children.

9. It's finally your turn on the computer and "Dancing with the Stars" is just coming on.

10. You go to sleep with "I'm bored" or "I'm hungry" still ringing in your ears.

Our Pets During Quarantine

DOGS:

-          Please don't walk me again. Watch Netflix. Read a book. But leave me alone.

-          This quarantine has me realizing why my dog gets so excited about something moving outside. I think I just barked at a squirrel.

-          Quarantine has turned us into dogs. We roam the house all day looking for food. We are told “no” if we get too close to strangers. And we get really excited about car rides.

-          Day 33 of quarantine and the dog is looking at me like, "See? This is why I chew the furniture."

CATS:

-          Get a human they said. Hardly ever home they said.

-          Why are the annoying servants staying in my home all day now?

-          The human has been working from home the last few days. Every so often he lets me participate in his online meetings. All the other humans cheer when they see me. I am the only thing keeping their company together.

-          Stay home. Practice social distancing. Clean yourself often. OH NO! We're becoming cats!

Warning

States have banned all groups larger than 5. If you're a family of 6, you're about to find out who's the least favorite.

Senior Observations

My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb.

If you answer the phone with "Hello, you're on the air!"... most telemarketers will quickly hang up.

When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.

To me, drink responsibly means don't spill it.

When I say "the other day," I could be referring to any time between yesterday and fifteen years ago.

I've had my patience tested.  I'm negative.

Sixty might be the new forty, but 9:00 PM is the new midnight.

I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.

When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?

I don't mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.

It's the start of a brand new day, and I'm off like a herd of turtles.

Don't bother walking a mile in my shoes, that would be boring. Spend thirty seconds in my head, that'll freak you right out.

The older I get, the earlier it gets late.

Wrong Number

A woman meant to call a record store but dialed the wrong number and got a private home instead. "Do you have 'Eyes of Blue' and 'A Love Supreme'?" she asked. "Well, no," answered the puzzled homeowner. "But I have a wife and eleven children." "Is that a record?" she inquired. "I don't think so," replied the man, "but it's as close as I want to get."

The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget....

This particular Sunday sermon... 'Dear Lord,' the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. 'Without you, we are but dust....' He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter who was listening leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little four year old girl voice, 'Mom, what is butt dust?'

Today’s Thoughts

You know the world is upside down when you go to the bank and someone wearing a mask and gloves isn't tackled by security.

Ran out of toilet paper and now using lettuce leaves. Today was just the tip of the iceberg, tomorrow romaines to be seen.