Friday's Funnies

Pandemic Paranoia

• Until further notice the days of the week shall be called: THISday, THATday, OTHERday, SOMEday, YESTERday, NEXTday, & Tomorrow.
• Remember when you were wishing the weekend would last forever? So...are you happy yet?
• You know the world is upside down when you go to the bank and someone wearing a mask and gloves isn't tackled by security.
• Now, just like that, having a mask, rubber gloves, duct tape, plastic sheeting, and rope in the trunk of your car is OKAY and you are not suspicious?
• If they had just called it, "the Stay at Home Challenge" and posted it on Facebook, the virus would be gone by now.
• What if they close the grocery stores and we have to hunt for food? I don't even know where Little Debbie lives.
• I am glad I did not waste my money on buying a 2020 Daily Planner book.
• "I've eaten 14 meals and taken 6 naps and it's still today. Are you kidding me?"

More Lockdown Humor

• People are using the word "lockdown" because they don't know how to spell kwarinteen.
• Have you noticed that the amount of selfies being posted are down by 68%?
• I hope all the school teachers realize their students will return to class using old math.
• My house got TP'd last night. Now its appraised value has doubled.

Suspicious Sartorial Splendor

The same guy had robbed the same bank three times in the last 30 days. The FBI agent in charge of preventing a fourth robbery asked the nervous bank teller, "Have you noticed anything in particular about the robber?" "Yes," the teller replied. "I notice that each time he comes into the bank he's much better dressed."

Pray

The minister was tucking his four-year old daughter into bed and asked what she would like to pray about. Promptly she answered, "Onions." So they prayed about onions. The next morning, the pastor asked his daughter why she wanted to pray about onions. "Because you said in your sermon Sunday that we should pray for things we don't like."

Can You Hear Me Now?

Morris realized he needed to purchase a hearing aid, but he felt unwilling to spend much money. "How much do they cost?" he asked the salesperson. "That depends," he said. "They run from $2.00 to $2,000." "Let's see the $2.00 model," said Morris the miser. The salesperson put the device around Morris' neck. "You just stick this button in your ear and run this little string down to your pocket," he instructed. "How does it work?" asked Morris. "For $2.00 it doesn't work," the salesperson replied. "But when people see it on you, they'll talk louder!"

Church Signs

• "Services canceled. God is making house calls."
• "Shout Hosanna! But first, step back 6 ft."
• "Cleanse your hands" (James 4:8).
• "Wash yourselves and be clean!" (Isaiah 1:16).
• "The Church isn't closed, it's deployed!"

Worship Song Planning (Coronavirus Pandemic Edition)

Rejected Songs: "We Gather Together," "Just a Closer Walk With Thee," "Breathe on me, Breath of God," "Precious Lord, Take My Hand," "Close to Thee."
Accepted Songs: "Wash, O God, Our Sons & Daughters," "Jesus Walked This Lonesome Valley," "I Come To The Garden Alone," "Trust And Obey."

Quarantine Briefs

• Overslept this morning. Was late getting to the living room.
• I used to spin toilet paper like I was on Wheel of Fortune. Now I turn it like I'm cracking a safe.
• Reminder: 9pm is the time to remove your day pajamas and put your night pajamas on.
• If you get an email that says "Find out what everyone is talking about in 2020" don't open it — it's a virus.
• If you need 144 rolls of toilet paper for a 14-day quarantine you probably should have been seeing a doctor long before COVID-19.

The "Q" Diet

"I'm sorry, sir, but we've determined that you have a highly contagious, deadly virus. You'll need to be kept in quarantine and fed `a diet of pancakes." "Oh, no, that's horrible news, doctor," the man said. "But will the pancakes really be able to help me get better?" The doctor looked at him and said, "No, that's just the only thing we can slide under the door."

The Model Customer?

A factory owner said to a store owner, "Thank you, Mr. Smith, for your patronage. I wish I had twenty customers like you." "Gosh, it's nice to hear that, but I'm kind of surprised," admitted Smith. "You know that I argue every bill and always pay late." The factory owner said, "I'd still like twenty customers like you. The problem is, I have two hundred!"

Today’s Thought

Went to a new restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.