Friday's Funnies

Forecast: Today's weather?  Room temperature.

Work On Weekends

Boss - Do you think you can come in on Saturday? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.

Me - Yeah, no problem. I'll probably be late though as public transport on weekends is slow.

Boss - What time will you get here?

Me - Monday.

Caution

During these uncertain times, the only thing that could be worse is if the murder hornets are attracted to hand sanitizer.

Military Exercises

During a practical exercise at a military police base, the instructor was giving the class instruction in unarmed self-defense.  After he presented a number of different situations in which they might find themselves, he asked a student, "What steps would you take if someone were coming at you with a big, sharp knife?"  The student replied, "Big ones."

One-Dollar-Bill

A one-dollar bill met a twenty-dollar bill and said, "Hey, where have you been? I haven't seen you around here much."  The twenty answered, "I've been hanging out at the casinos, went on a cruise and did the rounds on the ship, back to the United States for a while, went to a couple of baseball games, to the mall, that kind of stuff.  How about you?"  The one-dollar bill said, "You know, same old stuff - church, church, church."

Actual Complaints Received By A Resort Chain:

~ "On my holiday to India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food."

~ "We booked an excursion to a water park but no one told us we had to bring our own swimsuits and towels. We assumed it would be included in the price"

~ "The beach was too sandy. We had to clean everything when we returned to our room."

~ "No one told us there would be fish in the water. The children were scared."

~ "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England . It took the Americans only three hours to get home. This seems unfair."

~ "We had to line up outside to catch the boat and there was no air-conditioning."

~ "I was bitten by a mosquito. The brochure did not mention mosquitoes."

~ "My sister woke up late and didn't get a free continental breakfast."

Youngest In School

A friend of mine has three boys, the youngest of whom, Gregory, had just started school.  A teacher commented to Gregory that she couldn't believe he was already in first grade and asked what his mother did all day now that the three boys were in school.  "Cartwheels," Gregory answered.

Have You Heard About These Cats?

Have you heard about . . .
- the angry cat? She threw a hissy fit.
- the grumpy cat? He was a sour puss.
- the silent cat? She was the victim of a purr snatcher.
- the sensitive cat? She cried over spilt milk.
- the dyslexic cat? He cried, "Woem, weom!"
- the cat who had eight kittens? She was an octopus.
- the cowardly felines? Their names were Scaredy and Fraidy.
- the cat who swallowed a duck? He was a down-in-the-mouth, duck-filled fatty puss.
- the cat who had a hair ball? She couldn't hack it.
- the old cat who became forgetful and stopped making any sounds? She developed a purr-senility disorder.
- the golf-playing cat? Even without a catty he consistently scored fur under purr.
- the adolescent cat? She pleaded with her parents, "Why don't you let me lead one of my own lives?"
- the cat who liked to lounge around the stereo? He hoped to catch the tweeter for lunch, unless the woofer got him first.
- the cat who got hurt? She whimpered, "Me ow!"
- the cat who was walking the beach on Christmas Eve? He had Sandy Claws.
- the cat who ate some cheese and then sat by a mouse hole? She waited with baited breath.
- the radioactive cat? He had eighteen half-lives.
- the cat who chased a mouse through the screen door? They both strained themselves.
- the cat who robbed McDonald's and Wendy's? She was a cat burgerlar.
- the cat named Ben Hur? It used to be called Ben, until it had kittens.
- the cat who caught a bird? He enjoyed a breakfast of shredded tweet.
- the fast cat? She put quicksand in her litter box.
- the cat who tried to find out why his humans forgot to place cat litter in his box? He didn't have anything to go on.
- the cat who loved to bowl? He was an alley cat.
- the cat who climbed the drapes? She had good claws to do it - and she started from scratch.
- the cat who swallowed a bag of coins? There was money in that kitty.
- the obese, ill-tempered, talkative cat? He was a flabby, crabby, gabby tabby.
- the feline who impeded the iceman's work? The cat got his tong.
- the baby cat who joined the Red Cross? She wanted to be a first-aid kit.
- the two cats who raced each other to the milk bowl? One beat the other by a lap.
- the kindle of cats named Johann Christian, Wilhelm Friedemann, Johann Sebastian, and Carl Philipp Emanuel? They were all born in a litter Bachs.
- the man who was afraid of cats? He had catatonia, clawstrophobia, and purranoia.
- the woman who refused to spay and neuter her cats? She was arrested for kitty littering.
- the man who saw a sign at a pet store that said "Free Cats"? So he went in and did.
- the unemployed cat burglar from Nepal? What else can a Katmandu? (By Richard Lederer)

Today’s Thought

While social distancing, my wife and I went for a walk and scored a couple packages of toilet paper. Moral of the story? Don't leave your garage doors open.