Friday's Funnies

Remember...

Was your church building empty this Easter?  Remember — so is the tomb.

Lockdown Humor

People are using the word lockdown because they don't know how to spell kwarinteen.

I hope all the school teachers realize their students will return to class using old math.

I'm pretty sure I just heard my fridge say, "What in the world do you want now?!"

I'm as bored as an Amish electrician.

Ontario has banned groups larger than 5. If you're a family of 6, you're all about to find out who's the least favorite!

Health Tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand, you can't accidentally touch your face.

My house got TP'd last night ... now it's appraised value has doubled!

Smoking pot and skipping school had me in trouble constantly. Now weed's legal and school's closed ... kids today are livin' the dream!

If you get an email with the subject "Knock Knock," don't open it. It's a Jehovah Witness working from home.

After a few days of not going out, I saw someone I knew walking by on the sidewalk outside. I immediately ran to the window and started yelling to them. Now I understand dogs.

Day 36 of social isolation at home, and it's like being in Las Vegas. I'm losing money by the minute. Cocktails are acceptable at any hour. Nobody knows what time it is.

Worship Planning - Coronavirus Pandemic Edition

Rejected:

~ We Gather Together

~ Just a Closer Walk With Thee

~ Breathe on me, Breath of God

~ Precious Lord, Take My Hand

~ Close to Thee

Accepted:

~ Wash, O God, Our Sons & Daughters

~ Jesus Walked This Lonesome Valley

~ I Come To The Garden Alone

~ Trust And Obey

Coronavirus Playlist

Nothing helps relieve stress like listening to some relaxing music. To help take your mind off the current situation, we offer this helpful playlist. Listen and enjoy!

~ Don't Stand so Close to Me, The Police

~ Stayin' Alive, Bee Gees

~ Take My Breath Away, Berlin

~ So Far Away From Me, Dire Straits

~ The Air that I Breathe, The Hollies

~ Every Breath You Take, The Police

~ Dancing with Myself, Billy Idol

~ Too Much Time on My Hands, Styx

~ The Cure, Lady Gaga

~ I Will Survive, Gloria Gaynor

~ Can't Touch This, MC Hammer

~ Go Your Own Way, Fleetwood Mac

Child

"Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher.

The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant."

The teacher took the lad aside to correct him: "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked.

"Sure," said the young boy confidently. "It means carrying a child."

Spring Cleaning

Employee: "Boss, we're doing some heavy spring cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."

Boss: "We're short-handed already! I can't give you the day off."

Employee: "Thanks, boss, I knew I could count on you!"

Shirt and Tie

A guy goes into a fancy lounge wearing a shirt open at the collar, but the bouncer tells him he needs a necktie to get in.  The guy doesn't have a necktie handy, so goes out to his car and gets his jumper cables. He ties these around his neck, manages to fashion a fairly acceptable looking knot, and lets the ends dangle free.  He goes back to the lounge.  The bouncer looks him up and down and then says, "Well, okay, I guess you can come in. Just don't start anything."

Today’s Thoughts

Do not call the police on suspicious people in your neighborhood! Those are your neighbors without makeup and hair extensions!

I'm having a quarantine party this weekend. None of you are invited.