Friday's Funnies

Oops

Child at dinner table:  "Are caterpillars good to eat?"

Parent:  "No. Why would you ask a question like that?"

Child:  "Well, there was one in your salad, but it's gone now."

Pets on Planes

While working as an airline customer-service agent, I got a call from a woman who wanted to know if she could take her dog on board.  I told her the dog was welcome, as long as she paid a $50 charge and provided her own kennel. I further explained that the kennel needed to be large enough for the dog to stand up, sit down, turn around and roll over.  "I'll never be able to teach him all that by tomorrow!" the customer complained.

Paid in Full

A woman was getting swamped with calls from strangers. The reason? A billing service had launched a number that was identical to hers.  When she called to complain, she was told to get a new number.  “I've had mine for twenty years,” she pleaded. “Couldn't you change yours?”  The company refused, so she said, “Fine. From now on, I’m going to tell everyone who calls that their bill is paid in full.”  The company got a new number the next day.

Management Smarts

"This little computer," said the sales clerk, "will do half of your job for you." Studying the machine, the senior VP said, "Fine. I'll take two."

Promotional Opportunity

An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing. A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready. "All set back here, Captain," came the reply, "except one lawyer who is still going around passing out business cards."

T-Shirt Slogans

"That's It! I'm Calling Grandma!"

"Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up"

"I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts - Do You Want Fries With That?"

"FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION. It comes bundled with the software."

"A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance."

Future Nutritionist

During our church's worship service, the pastor invites all the young children to join him near the altar for the "Children's Moments Sermon." One day, with seven small children in attendance, he spoke about the ingredients required to make up a church, using a chocolate-chip cookie as an example. He explained to the children that, as with a cookie requiring ingredients such as sugar and eggs, the church needed ingredients to make up the congregation. Holding a cookie aloft, he asked, "If I took the chocolate chips out of this cookie, what would I have?" A shy six-year-old raised his hand. "Six less grams of fat," he replied.

Reality Check

Father:  "Son, you need to be more industrious. After all, when Abraham Lincoln was your age he was out splitting rails."

Son:  "I know, Dad. And when he was your age, he was President."

How To Keep The Office Interesting

~ Put a chair facing a printer, sit there all day and tell people you're waiting for your document.

~ Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them to sign a waiver.

~ Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.)

~ Name all your pens and insist that meetings can't begin until they're all present.

~ Agree to organize the company Christmas party. Hold it at McDonald's Playland. Charge everyone $25 each.

~ Send email to the rest of the company telling them what you're doing. For example "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom."

~ Put your garbage can on your desk. Label it "IN."

~ Put up mosquito netting around your cubicle.

~ Put decaf in the coffeemaker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

Two Kids

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

Ticket

Bob is a favorite conductor among commuters on the train. He has great rapport with the regulars, but occasionally runs into a problem rider.  One passenger, for instance, seemed irritated at having to hand over his ticket to be punched.  "Where are you going today?" Bob asked, smiling.  "Well, what does the ticket say?" replied the traveler sarcastically.  "Um, it says you're on the wrong train," Bob informed him.  "What am I supposed to do now?" asked the flustered passenger.  Returning the punched card, Bob replied calmly, "Ask the ticket."

Today’s Thought

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.