Friday's Funnies

Curiosity

A teacher was finishing up a lesson on the joys of discovery and the importance of curiosity. "Where would we be today," she asked, "if no one had ever been curious?"  One child quietly spoke up from the back of the room. "Still in the Garden of Eden?"

Consistent Season

I heard two high school superintendents from different school systems talking recently. One asked the other how their football season turned out. The superintendent replied, "We had a 5-and-5 season. We lost 5 at home and 5 on the road."

Why Men Are Seldom Depressed

1.            Your last name stays put.

2.            The garage is all yours.

3.            Wedding plans take care of themselves.

4.            Chocolate is just another snack.

5.            Car mechanics tell you the truth.

6.            You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.

7.            Wedding dress - $5,000. Tuxedo rental - $100.

8.            New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

9.            Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

10.          A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

11.          Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.

12.          Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

13.          The same hairstyle lasts for years, even decades.

14.          One wallet and one pair of shoes — one color for all seasons.

Schoolteacher

In the traffic court of a large city, a young lady was brought before the judge to answer for a ticket given her for driving through a red light. She explained to the judge that she was a schoolteacher and requested an immediate dismissal of her case so she could get to the school on time.  A wild gleam came into the judge’s eye.  “You’re a schoolteacher, hum?” he said. “Ma'am, today I shall realize my lifelong ambition. I've waited years to have a schoolteacher in this court. Sit down at the table and write ‘I went through a red light’ 500 times!”

You're No Longer A Kid When...

•             Driving a car doesn't always sound like fun.

•             You have friends who have kids.

•             You are taller than the slide at the McDonald's playland.

•             Your parents' jokes are now funny.

•             Naps are good.

•             When things go wrong, you can't just yell, "Do-over!"

•             You actually WANT clothes for Christmas.

A Bigger Blessing

A grandmother was headed out the door to go to church one Sunday when she got a call from her daughter. "Would Grandma like to have her three little grandchildren visit while her daughter and son-in-law take a five-day holiday trip?" Grandma was so delighted she put five dollars in the collection basket at church and thanked the Lord. The Sunday after the grandchildren had returned home, she put twenty dollars in the collection.

Malapropisms - (A malapropism is a verbal blunder in which one word is replaced by another similar in sound but different in meaning.)

·         People who live beyond their means should act their wage.

·         If your wife wants to learn to drive, don't stand in her way.

·         The image of you playing Frisbee with a dog isn't so farfetched.

·         The wise never marry, and when they marry, they become otherwise.

·         He's a wolf in cheap clothing.

·         It was a case of love at Versailles.

·         He's got one of those sight-seeing dogs.

·         In Algiers, they spend most of their time at the cash bar.

·         My sister has extra-century perception.

·         A fool and his money are some party.

·         All's fear in love and war.

·         Some viruses can lie doormat for years.

·         To each his zone.

·         No more negotiating - it's a dumb deal.

·         It's a long road to hold.

·         All I want from you kids is a little piece of quiet.

·         Perforation is a rip off.

·         What do you call a sleepwalking nun?  A Roaming Catholic.

Weight Lifting?

The father was doubtful of his son's sudden interest to become Charles Atlas. Nevertheless he went with the teenager to the weight-lifting department.  "Please, Dad," begged the boy, "I promise I'll use them every day...."  "I'm not so sure, Danny. You may lose interest in the equipment," his father was quick to point out.  "Ahhhh please, Dad?"  "Besides, it's quite an expense," the father added.  "I promise, Dad, I'll use them...."  Danny finally won, and his Dad paid for the equipment. As the father was leaving the department, he heard his son call out..."What! You mean I have to carry this stuff to the car?"

Today’s Thought

Somebody once told me: "Cheer up, things could be worse." So I cheered up and, sure enough, things got worse.