Time to Go
A woman was instructing the new maid on the great care
required in handling certain valuable household objects. She pointed into the
dining room and said with great pride, "That table goes back to Louis the
Fourteenth." "Oh, that's
nothing," the maid interjected. "My whole living-room set goes back
to Sears the fifteenth."
What's Your Secret?
A gushy reporter told Jack Nicklaus, "You are
spectacular! Your name is synonymous with the game of golf. You really know
your way around the course. What's your secret?" Nicklaus replied, "The holes are
numbered!"
Useful Metric Conversions
1 million microphones = 1 megaphone
1 million bicycles = 2 megacycles
365.25 days = 1 Unicycle
2000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds
10 cards = 1 decacards
1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 Fig Newton
1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche
1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin
10 rations = 1
decoration
100 rations = 1
C-ration
10 millipedes = 1
centipede
10 monologs = 5
dialogues
5 dialogues = 1
decalogue
2 monograms = 1 diagram
8 nickels = 2 paradigms
2 wharves = 1 paradox
100 Senators = not 1 decision.
Retail Experience
Rossi was the manager of an upscale men's wear store in a
wealthy section of town and was interviewing Abe for a recently advertised
salesman role. Rossi looked at Abe's
resume and noticed that Abe had never worked in retail before. Rossi said to Abe, "For someone with no
retail experience, you are certainly asking for a high salary." "Well, I suppose I am," Abe
replied, "but you must understand that the work is so much harder when you
don't know what you're doing."
Heaven
The Sunday school teacher asked her preschool class,
"How many of you would like to go to Heaven?" All the children raised their hands except
Tommy. The teacher asked Tommy why he wouldn't like to go to Heaven. Tommy answered, "I'm sorry, but I can't.
My mother told me to come right home after Sunday school."
"My car!"
A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front
of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck
passed too close and completely tore off the door on the driver's side. The
lawyer immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a
policeman pulled up.
Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the
lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up
the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no
matter what the body shop did to it.
When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and
raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief. “I can't believe
how materialistic you lawyers are,” he said. “You are so focused on your
possessions that you don't notice anything else.”
“How can you say such a thing?” asked the lawyer.
The cop replied, “Don't you know that your left arm is
missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit
you.”
“NO!” screamed the lawyer. “My Rolex! My Rolex!”
Name Game
My friend's habit of associating a person's name with something familiar in order to remember it recently caused a social disaster. She had been introduced to a Hazel Johnson at a gathering. Sometime later, they met again. My friend recognized the woman but forgot her name. She did, however, recall associating the name, and impulsively greeted her new acquaintance with, "I'm so sorry, I can't recall your name. But I distinctly remember you as some kind of nut!"
Pedal To The Metal
A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing across his scalp. "Amazing," he thought, pushing the pedal even more. But then, looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a Florida State Trooper, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this!" So he pulled over to await the trooper's arrival. Pulling in behind him, the trooper got out of his vehicle and walked up to the Corvette. He looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a new reason for speeding — a reason I've never before heard — I'll let you go." The old gentleman paused, then said, "Three years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back." After a brief pause to reflect, the Trooper said, "Have a good day, Sir."
My friend's habit of associating a person's name with something familiar in order to remember it recently caused a social disaster. She had been introduced to a Hazel Johnson at a gathering. Sometime later, they met again. My friend recognized the woman but forgot her name. She did, however, recall associating the name, and impulsively greeted her new acquaintance with, "I'm so sorry, I can't recall your name. But I distinctly remember you as some kind of nut!"
Pedal To The Metal
A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing across his scalp. "Amazing," he thought, pushing the pedal even more. But then, looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a Florida State Trooper, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this!" So he pulled over to await the trooper's arrival. Pulling in behind him, the trooper got out of his vehicle and walked up to the Corvette. He looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a new reason for speeding — a reason I've never before heard — I'll let you go." The old gentleman paused, then said, "Three years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back." After a brief pause to reflect, the Trooper said, "Have a good day, Sir."
Today’s Thought
I really didn't mean to push all your buttons. I was just
looking for mute.
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