Friday's Funnies

Smarty

Father: "Son, you need to be more industrious.  After all, when Abraham Lincoln was your age he was out splitting rails."

Son: "I know, Dad. And when he was your age, he was President."

Ten-Thousand Roaches

A woman called up a pet store and said, "Send me ten-thousand cockroaches at once."  "What in the world do you want with ten-thousand cockroaches?" asked the clerk.  "Well," replied the woman, "I am moving today and my lease says I must leave the place in the same condition I found it."

Water Issues

A guide is showing a Texan the majestic Niagara Falls. "I'll bet you don't have anything like that in Texas!" "Nope, I reckon we don't," said the Texan. "But we've got plumbers who could fix it."

Predictions

Johnny:  "Do you think people can predict the future with cards?"
Jimmy:  "My mother sure can. She takes one look at my report card and tells me exactly what will happen when Dad gets home."

How to Get On in Life

"Tell me how to get on in life," said the kettle.

"Take panes," said the window.

"Never be led," said the pencil.

"Do a driving business," said the hammer.

"Make light of everything," said the fire.

"Make much of small things," said the microscope.

"Never do anything offhand," said the glove.

"Just reflect," said the mirror.

"Be sharp," said the knife.

"Find a good thing and stick to it," said the glue.

Alpha Geese

On a crisp fall afternoon, my four-year-old son was helping rake leaves in the front yard of our farmhouse. I glanced up just in time to see a flock of geese flying over and pointed out how they flew in a formation shaped like a "V." He patiently watched them as they disappeared over the horizon and then turned to me and asked, "Do they know any other letters?"

Door Signs

A person checks into a hotel for the first time in his life and goes up to his room. Five minutes later, he calls the desk and says, "You've given me a room with no exit. How do I leave?"  The desk clerk says, "Sir, that's absurd. Have you looked for the door?"  The person says, "Well, there's one door that leads to the bathroom. There's a second door that goes into the closet. And there's a door I haven't tried, but it has a 'do not disturb' sign on it." 

Percentage

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

Life Changes

Dear Grandson:

I have become a little older since I saw you last, and a few changes have come into my life since then. Frankly, I have become a frivolous old gal. I am seeing five gentlemen everyday. As soon as I wake up, Will Power helps me get out of bed. Then I go to see John. Then Charlie Horse comes along, and when he is here he takes a lot of my time and attention. When he leaves, Arthur Ritis shows up and stays the rest of the day. He doesn't like to stay in one place very long, so he takes me from joint to joint. After such a busy day, I'm really tired and glad to go to bed with Ben Gay. What a life. 

Love,

Grandma

P.S. The preacher came to call the other day. He said at my age I should be thinking of the hereafter. I told him, "Oh, I do it all the time. No matter where I am, in the parlor, upstairs, in the kitchen, or down in the basement, I ask myself, "Now, what am I here after?"

Looking Back

One Sunday morning, a Sunday school teacher was teaching on how Lot's wife looked back and suddenly turned into a pillar of salt.  One little boy raised his hand and said, "Yes, my mother looked back once while she was driving… and she turned into a telephone pole."

Today’s Thought

The mind is like a television...when it goes blank, it’s a good idea to turn off the sound.