Friday's Funnies

Elderly Woman’s Request

An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers.  In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, "They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead."

How Practical

My wife was grading a science test at home that she had given to her elementary-school class and was reading some of the results to me. The subject was the human body, and the first question was: "Name one of the major functions of your skin." One child wrote: "To keep people who look at you from throwing up."

Headlines

The editor of a small country newspaper, furious over several government bills that had recently been passed, printed a scathing editorial with an enormous headline: "HALF THE LEGISLATORS ARE CROOKS." Many local politicians were outraged and exerted tremendous pressure on him to print a retraction. He finally gave in to the pressure and ran his apology with the headline: "HALF THE LEGISLATORS ARE NOT CROOKS."

Word Play

1. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

2. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

3. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

4. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

5. A hole was found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking in to it.

6. A sign on the lawn of a drug rehab center said: "Keep off the Grass."

7. A backward poet writes in-verse.

8. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

9. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

Little Pane

A minister tells of his first Sunday in a new parish and of presenting the children's message.   It seems the sanctuary in the new church had some magnificent stained glass windows, so his message centered on how each of us are called to help make up the whole picture of life (the family of God). Like the pictures in the windows, it takes many little panels of glass to make the whole picture.  And then he said, "You see each one of you is a little pane."  And then pointing to each child, "You're a little pane. And you're a little pane. And you're a little pane. And..."  It took a few moments before he realized why everyone was laughing so hard. 

You Might Be In Education If…

~ You believe the staff room should be equipped with a Valium salt lick.

~ You want to slap the next person who says, "Must be nice to work from 8 to 3 and have your summers free!"

~ You can tell it's a full moon without ever looking outside.

~ You believe "shallow gene pool" should have its own box on the report card.

~ When out in public you feel the urge to talk to strange children and correct their behavior.

~ You have no time for a life from August to June.

~ You think people should be required to get a government permit before being allowed to reproduce.

~ You encourage an obnoxious parent to check into charter schools or home schooling.

~ You think caffeine should be available to staff in IV form.

~ Meeting a child's parents instantly answers the question: "Why is the kid like this?"

~ You laugh uncontrollably when people refer to the staff room as the "lounge."

The Horn

One day while driving with my 4 year old daughter, I beeped the horn by mistake.  She turned and looked at me for an explanation.  I said, "I did that by accident."  She replied, "I know that....'cause you didn't say YOU JERK afterwards!"

Paranoid

A man keeps having horrible paranoid feelings that someone was hiding under his bed.  He finally goes to a psychiatrist. He tells the doctor that he just knows there is someone hiding under his bed at night. He says that whenever he gets the courage to look under the bed, he doesn't see anyone, but feels the person has probably climbed on top of the bed. So, while he's never seen the person, he knows he is there.  The psychiatrist says, "This sounds like a very deep-seated problem. It'll probably take some intense therapeutic sessions, at least once or twice a week for a year or two to resolve the matter."  The man said, "How much will this cost?"  The doc says, "$150 per session."  The man gulps and says, "Doc, let me think about it."  A couple of weeks later the man bumps into the doctor on the sidewalk and says, "Hey, doc. Good news! I'm cured, and it only cost me $10."  The psychiatrist was stunned and asked, "That's amazing. How is that possible?"  The man says, "I was telling my ol' granny about my problem and she said, "Why, honey, just cut the legs off the bed!" 

Vow Of Poverty

A burglar broke into a minister's house and told the pastor, "One move and you're dead. I'm looking for money." The vicar replied, "Hang on, let me get a light and I'll help you."

Today’s Thought

I'm getting kind of tired always slowly raising my hand when someone asks, "Who does something like that?!?"