Friday's Funnies

Newspaper Headline Chuckles

- Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge

- New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

- Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

- Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

- Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Needy

- British Union Finds Dwarves in Short Supply

- Ban on Soliciting Dead in Trotwood

- Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees

- Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

- New Vaccine May Contain Rabies

- Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing

School Theater

Billy's father picked him up from school to take him to a dental appointment. Knowing the acting roles for the school play were being posted that day, he asked Billy if he got a part.  Billy enthusiastically announced that he'd gotten a part. "I play a man who's been married for twenty years."  "That's great, son. Keep up the good work and before you know it they'll be giving you a speaking part."

Roughhousing

A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?" Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough." The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, "If I find a smooth one, can I play with him?"

The Cure

Doctor Bloom, who was known for miraculous cures for arthritis, had a waiting room full of people when a little old lady, completely bent over in half, shuffled in slowly, leaning on her cane. When her turn came, she went into the doctor's office, and, amazingly, emerged within half an hour walking completely erect with her head held high. A woman in the waiting room who had seen all this walked up to the little old lady and said, "It's a miracle! You walked in bent in half and now you're walking erect. What did that doctor do?" She answered, "Miracle, shmiricle. He gave me a longer cane."

Overheard

My parents had not been out together in quite some time. One Saturday, as Mom was finishing the dinner dishes, my father stepped up behind her. "Would you like to go out, girl?" he asked. Not even turning around, my mother quickly replied, "Oh, yes, I'd love to!" They had a wonderful evening, and it wasn't until the end of it that Dad confessed. His question had actually been directed to the family dog, lying near Mom's feet on the kitchen floor.

Engine Trouble

An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing.  A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.  "All set back here, Captain," came the reply, "except one lawyer who is still going around passing out business cards."

Priest’s Collar

A priest was invited to attend a house party. Naturally, he was properly dressed and wearing his priest's collar.  A little boy kept staring at him the entire evening. Finally, the priest asked the little boy what he was staring at. The little boy pointed to the priest's neck.  When the priest finally realized what the boy was pointing at, he asked him, "Do you know why I am wearing that?"  The boy nodded his head yes, and replied, "It kills fleas and ticks for up to three months."

Warning Sign

A person checks into a hotel for the first time in his life and goes up to his room. Five minutes later, he calls the desk and says, "You've given me a room with no exit. How do I leave?" The desk clerk says, "Sir, that's absurd. Have you looked for the door?" The person says, "Well, there's one door that leads to the bathroom. There's a second door that goes into the closet. And there's a door I haven't tried, but it has a 'do not disturb' sign on it."

Appropriate Signs

• Non-smoking area — If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.
• Maternity door — Push 3 times.
• Car dealer — Best way to get back on your feet, miss a car payment.
• Muffler shop — No appointment needed, we hear you coming.
• Vet's office — Be back in five minutes, Sit, Stay.
• Electric Company — We would be Delighted if you send in your payment. If you don't, you will be.

Revenge
When asked for her occupation, a woman charged with a traffic violation said she was a schoolteacher.  The judge was delighted. "Madam, I have waited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court. Now please sit down at that table and write 'I will not pass through a red light' five hundred times."

Deer Season

The Wednesday night church service coincided with the last day of hunting season. Our pastor asked who had bagged a deer. No one raised a hand. Puzzled, the pastor said, "I don't get it. Last Sunday many of you said you were missing because of hunting season. I had the whole congregation pray for your deer." One hunter groaned, "Well, it worked. They're all safe."

Today’s Thought

If at first you don’t succeed, try doing it the way your wife told you.