Friday's Funnies

GRAMMAR OOPS

~ The burglar was about 30 years old, white, 5' 10", with wavy hair weighing about 150 pounds.

~ The family lawyer will read the will tomorrow at the residence of Mr. Hannon, who died June 19 to accommodate his relatives.

~ Mrs. Shirley Baxter, who went deer hunting with her husband, is very proud that she was able to shoot a fine buck as well as her husband.

~ Organ donations from the living reached a record high last year, outnumbering donors who are dead for the first time.

~ The dog was hungry and made the mistake of nipping a 2-year-old that was trying to force feed it in his ear.

~ We spent most of our time sitting on the back porch watching the cows playing Scrabble and reading.

~ Hunting can also be dangerous, as in the case of pygmies hunting elephants armed only with spears

Things You Never Say to a Cop

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.

2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me! Good job!

5. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

6. I pay your salary!

7. Wow, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!

8. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

Coming to visit

A grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.

"You come to the front door of the apartment.  I am in apartment 301.  There is a big panel at the front door.  With your elbow, push button 301.  I will buzz you in.  Come inside, the elevator is on the right.  Get in, and with your elbow push 3.  When you get out, I'm on the left.  With your elbow, hit my doorbell."

"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?

"What?! You coming empty handed?"

Sermon Responses

First Member:  I thought the sermon was divine. It reminded me of the peace of God. It passed all understanding.

Second Member:  It reminded me of the mercies of God. I thought it would endure forever.

Noise Abatement

Aunt Karen is the mother of two high-spirited young girls. When I called her one morning, our conversation was constantly interrupted by the din of kids screaming and chasing each other. "Could you hold on for a moment?" my aunt finally asked, putting down the phone. Within ten seconds all I could hear was absolute silence. Then, "Okay, I'm back." "But it's so quiet!" I exclaimed. "You must have complete control over those two." "Not really," my aunt confessed wearily. "I'm in the closet."

Not Right

"Johnny," said the teacher, "if coal is selling at $6 a ton and you pay your dealer $24, how many tons will he bring you?"  "A little over three tons, ma'am," said Johnny.  "Why, Johnny, that isn't right," said the teacher.  "No, ma'am, I know it isn't," said Johnny, "but they all do it."

Leaf 'em alone:

 My wife and I hate raking leaves. I leaned on the rake, looked gloomily at the task before me and commented. "I'll bet every leaf for miles has blown into our yard.   "They should," she replied.  "They know where they're safe."

The Birthday Wish

A mother asked her small son what he would like for his birthday. "I want a little brother," the boy said. "Oh my, that's such a big wish," said the mother. "Why do you want a little brother?" "Well," the boy said, "there's only so much I can blame on the dog."

Speeding Registration

On a long drive from Virginia, I thought I was traveling at a reasonable speed, but the flashing blue lights in my rear- view mirror made me realize that I'd been over the limit. I handed the officer my license and made small talk while my wife dug through the glove compartment for the registration.  "I'm usually very careful about my speed," I told him as my wife handed me the paperwork.  The officer studied it and then gave it back. "Sir," he said gruffly, "this is not your registration."  It was a warning ticket I had received for speeding in Florida.

Today’s Thought

Don't judge a book by its movie.

Friday's Funnies

The Surprise Party

As my son's seventh birthday approached, his excitement was reaching fever pitch. As usual, Tommy was allowed to invite about a dozen kids who live on our block. The morning of the big day, a woman called to say she couldn't make the party. I must have sounded confused, so she added, "I'm Tommy's teacher." She paused, then said, "Didn't you know he'd invited me?" "No," I said, "but you're welcome to drop in later for a slice of birthday cake." After another pause, she said, "Did you know he asked the entire class... 33 children in all?" I thanked her, hung up and turned to Tommy, who was fairly bursting with glee. I asked why he had done such a thing. "I always wanted a surprise party, Mom! Are you surprised?"

Not Today

I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those 'dividers' that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the 'divider', looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code, she said to me, 'Do you know how much this is?' I said to her 'I've changed my mind; I don't think I'll buy that today.' She said 'OK,' and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened. (But the lady behind me had a big smirk on her face as I left.)

Kids Talk About Astronomy:

• When people run around and around in circles we say they are crazy. When planets do it we say they are orbiting.
• Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still knows how to change back into a sun in the daytime.

Kids Talk About Meteorology:

• You can listen to thunder after lightening and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don't hear it you got hit, so never mind.
• I am not sure how clouds get formed. But the clouds know how to do it, and that is the important thing.
• It is so hot in some parts of the world that the people there have to live other places.

Confident

A confident little boy was practicing baseball.  He said: "I'm going to be the greatest baseball player in the world!"  Then he threw the ball up and made a huge swing and missed.  He picked up the ball again, said: "I'm going to be the greatest baseball player in the world!" threw the ball up, took a great big swing, and missed again.  Once more, he said: "I'm going to be the greatest baseball player in the world!" threw the ball in the air, made his biggest swing yet, and missed the ball yet again.  He raised both his arms and cheered: "Hooray! I'm the greatest pitcher in the world!!"

TOP TEN COMPLAINTS FROM BIBLICAL MOTHERS OR WIVES By Grant MacDonald

10.  Eve to Adam: "You never take me anywhere different to eat!"

  

9.  Sarah to Abraham: "Maybe if you stopped treating me like your sister, we could start a family!" (Gen 12:19)

  

8.  Elizabeth to John the Baptist: "I cook you a nice meal and all you want is locust, locust, locust!"

  

7.  Pharaoh's Daughter to Moses: "Stop parting the bath water, Moses, and wash behind those ears!"

  

6.  David's mom to Jesse, her husband: "Do you really think it was a good idea to get David that sling? He's going to put someone's eye out with that thing!"

  

5.  Manoah's wife to her son Samson: "Can't you clean the sink after you shampoo? I'm sick of all these long hairs!"

  

4.  Elizabeth to Mary: "I love talking to you, Mary, really I do, but can you speak a little softer? This kid just won't stop doing the rhumba in my tummy!" (Luke 1:44)

  

3.  Mary to Joseph: "I TOLD you to make reservations!"

  

2.   Herodias to her daughter: "I told Herod that if he didn't do something about this John nut, I would make sure the problem came to a head!"

  

And the number one complaint made by a biblical mother or wife is:

  

1.  Pilate's wife to Pilate after the resurrection: "You never listen to me, do you?" How do you feel now "Mr. Wash-Your-Hands-In-Public"?! (Mat 27:19)

Spell Checker

Eye halve a spelling chequer; it came with my pea sea.  It plainly marques four my revue miss steaks eye kin knot sea.  Eye strike a key and type a word and weight four it two say Weather eye am wrong oar write.  It shows me strait a weigh.  As soon as a mist ache is maid, it nose bee fore two long And eye can put the error rite. Its rarely ever wrong.  Eye ran this poem threw it, I'm shore your pleased two no; Its letter perfect in it's weigh. My chequer tolled me sew.

The Penny

My husband and I had just finished tucking our five young ones into bed one evening when we heard sobbing coming from three-year-old Billy's room. Rushing to his side, we found him crying hysterically. He had accidentally swallowed a penny and was sure he was going to die. No amount of talking could change his mind.

Desperate to calm him, my husband palmed a penny that he happened to have in his pocket and pretended to pull it from Billy's ear. Billy was delighted. In a flash, he snatched it from my husband's hand, swallowed it and demanded cheerfully, "Do it again, Dad!"

Today’s Thought

Silence is golden. Unless you have a preschooler, then silence is suspicious.

Friday's Funnies

Modern Tools

Hammer - In ancient times a hammer was used to inflict pain on one's enemies. Modern hammers are used to inflict pain on oneself.

Screwdriver - The drink ordered at the local bar after you call in a professional repairman to undo the $500 in damage you did while trying to change out a light socket with your handy screwdriver.

Halogen Light - A worklight that lights up your backyard with the incandescence of a football stadium, causing you to cast a heavy shadow over the area you're working on so that you need to use a flashlight anyway.

Cordless Drill - A device that lessens your chance of electrocution 90% over a standard plug-in tool.

Air Compressor - A mechanical device similar in principle to harnessing the power of your mother-in-law's nagging complaints and using the resulting airflow to blast old paint off the side of the house.

Chain Saw - Allows you to cut your way out of the shed that you accidentally built completely around yourself.

Vise Grips - A pair of helping hands that doesn't critique the job you're doing or offer advice.

Message

Our kindergarten-aged daughter suddenly announced just before school that she needed to take a clean t-shirt to class. She told us the teacher was going to iron an anti-drug message on it. My wife frantically swept through our daughter's room, finding nothing usable but one t-shirt that already had something printed on one side. She sent it off to school with our daughter. That afternoon, my daughter returned and happily showed off her shirt. On one side it said, "Families are Forever." And on the other, "Be Smart, Don't Start

Shreds of wisdom

1. If you’re too open minded, your brains will fall out.

2. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

3. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.

4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

5. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

6. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

7. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

8. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

9. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

10. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

11. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

12. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

13. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

14. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

15. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

16. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

17. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

18. Junk is something you’ve kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

19. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

20. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

21. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

22. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

23. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

AND . . . (drum roll please?)

24. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.

A Good Pun Is Its Own Reword

Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery.

A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.

Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Corduroy pillows are making headlines.

Sea captains don't like crew cuts.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.

Without geometry, life is pointless.

When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.

Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

Today’s Thought

Have you noticed that when someone says "To make a long story short..." it's generally too late?

Friday's Funnies

Metric system

Despite never having adopted the metric system for day-to-day use, Americans are familiar with the basic units, like grams, kilograms, meters and such. But when it comes to lesser known units they’re clueless. To help the educational process along a bit …

* 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope

* Ratio of an igloo’s circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi

* 2,000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton

* Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond

* Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon

* 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz

* Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower

* 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake

* 1 million-million microphones = 1 megaphone

* 2 million bicycles = 2 megacycles

* 2000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbirds

* 52 cards = 1 decacards

* 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 FigNewton

* 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche

* 10 rations = 1 decoration

* 100 rations = 1 C-ration

* 4 nickels = 1 paradigm

* 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital = 1 IV League

Translation Oops

A friend was lecturing in Latin America. He was going to use a translator, but to identify with his audience, he wanted to begin his talk by saying in Spanish, "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen." He arrived at the auditorium a little early and realized he did not know the Spanish words for ladies and gentlemen. Being rather resourceful, he went to the part of the building where the restrooms were, looked at the signs on the two doors, and memorized those two words.  When the audience arrived and he was introduced, he stood up and said in Spanish, "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen."  The audience was shocked. He didn't know whether he had offended them or perhaps they hadn't heard him or understood him. So he decided to repeat it. Again in Spanish he said, "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen."  One person in the audience began to snicker. Pretty soon the entire audience was laughing. Finally, someone told him that he had said, "Good evening, bathrooms and broom closets!"

The Third Biggest Lie

Ann Landers challenged her readers to come up with the world's third biggest lie -- right after "The check is in the mail" and "I'm from the government, and I'm here to help you." Here is a sampling from the thousands she received:

- "It's a good thing you came in today. We only have two more in stock."

- "Five pounds is nothing on a person of your height."

- "You made it yourself? I never would have guessed."

- "You don't look a day over 40."

- "Dad, I need to move out of the dorm into an apartment of my own so I can have some peace and quiet when I study."

- "It's delicious, but I can't eat another bite."

- "The new ownership won't affect you. The company will remain the same."

- "The puppy won't be any trouble, Mom. I promise I'll take care of it myself."

- "Your hair looks just fine."

- "Put away the map. I know exactly how to get there."

- "You don't need it in writing. You have my personal guarantee."

Flowers

A forgetful husband thought he had conquered his problem of trying to remember his wife's birthday and their wedding anniversary. He opened an account with a florist, and provided that florist with the dates and instructions to send flowers to his wife on these dates, along with an appropriate note signed, "Your loving husband."  His wife was thrilled by this new display of attention and all went well until one day when he came home he saw a bouquet, kissed his wife and said offhandedly, "Nice flowers, honey. Where'd you get them?"

Forgetful

The man looked a little worried when the doctor came in to administer his annual physical, so the first thing the doctor did was to ask whether anything was troubling him.   "Well, to tell the truth, Doc, yes," answered the patient. "You see, I seem to be getting forgetful. I'm never sure I can remember where I put the car, or whether I answered a letter, or where I'm going, or what it is I'm going to do once I get there - if I get there; so I really need your help. What can I do?"   The doctor mused for a moment, then answered in his kindest tones, "Pay me in advance."

Taxes Defined

A fine is a tax for doing something wrong.  A tax is a fine for doing something right.

Book

I've been reading a book all week called "Anti-Gravity"...I just can't put it down!

Friday's Funnies

Paying Taxes

A nervous taxpayer was unhappily conversing with the IRS auditor who had come to review his records. At one point the auditor exclaimed, "We feel it is a great privilege to be allowed to live and work in the USA. As a citizen you have an obligation to pay taxes, and we expect you to eagerly pay them with a smile."  "Thank God," returned the taxpayer. "I thought you were going to want cash."

Automation

A man put his fifty cents in a vending machine and then watched helplessly as the cup failed to appear -- a nozzle sent coffee down the drain while another poured cream after it.  "Now that's automation!" he exclaimed. "It even drinks for you!"

Threatening Letters

The fellow stormed into the postmaster's office in a fury.  "I've been getting threatening letters in the mail for months and I want them stopped."  "Of course," said the postmaster. "Sending threatening letters through the mail is a federal offense. Do you know who's sending them?"  "Yes," shouted the man. "It's those guys down at the Internal Revenue Service."

Oops

His request approved, the CNN News photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight.  He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.  Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger.  He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, 'Let's go'.  The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off.  Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, 'Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.'  'Why?' asked the pilot.  'Because I'm a photographer for CNN', he responded, 'and I need to get some close up shots.'  The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, 'So, what you're telling me, is . . . You're NOT my flight instructor?'

Hoped For Tithe Deductions

7. Wardrobe replacement credit for wear and tear on all church attire

6. Home mortgage payment if a minimum of two church-related fellowships are hosted in any given month

5. 3/4 cent credit for each grueling mile to and from all church activities, including church softball, bingo, and any rummage sales held at or by a church

4. 20 percent credit for all materials purchased at a Christian bookstore

3. $500 for perfect Sunday attendance

2. Additional $500 for perfect attendance and choir participation

1. Another $500 for perfect attendance and on-key choir participation.

Amazed

When Mary was pregnant, her five-year-old son, Billy, was utterly amazed and a little bit disbelieving that his sister was growing in his mom's tummy. So one day when the baby was especially active, she asked Billy to place his tiny hands on her tummy to feel the baby kick. But when he did, the baby was suddenly still. "Oh, Billy, she must have decided to take a nap," shrugged his mother. "A nap?" Billy marveled. "You mean there's a bed in there too?"

Meaning of the BIBLE

A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, "I know what the Bible means!"  His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means?  The son replied, "I do know!"  "Okay," said his father. "What does the Bible mean?"  "That's easy, Daddy..." the young boy replied excitedly," It stands for 'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.'”

Procrastinate

A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump.  "Reverend," said the young man, "I'm so sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip."  The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business."

Fear Not

Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about.  The daughter answered, "Don't be scared, you'll get your quilt."  Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed. Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for tea and the Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson was about.  He said "Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming."

Writing ambitions

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.  When asked to define “Great” he said, “I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!”  He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

Silk Worms

Did you hear about the two silk worms who were in a race?  They both ended up in a tie.

Today’s Thought

My wife is going to the hair salon today. For the next few hours I'll be practicing my reaction.

Friday's Funnies

Husband goes Shopping

A woman says to her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6." A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk. The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?" He replied, "They had eggs."

The Golfing Preacher

There was this preacher who was an avid golfer. Every chance he could get, he could be found on the golf course swinging away. It was an obsession.

One Sunday was a picture perfect day for golfing. The sun was shining, no clouds in the sky, and the temperature was just right. The preacher was in a quandary as to what to do ... play golf or give the Sunday service. Shortly, the urge to play golf overcame him. He called an assistant, told him he was sick and asked the assistant to take care of the Sunday church service for him. He packed the car up and drove three hours to a golf course where no one would recognize him. Happily, he began to play the course.

An angel up above was watching the preacher and was quite perturbed.  He went to God and said, "Look at the preacher. He should be punished for what he is doing." God nodded in agreement.

The preacher teed up on the first hole. He swung at the ball and hit a perfect drive, straight as an arrow, four-hundred yards right to the green, where it gently rolled into the cup.  A picture perfect hole-in-one. He was amazed and excited.

The angel was a little shocked. He turned to God and said, "Begging Your pardon, but I thought you were going to punish him."

God smiled. "I did. Think about it -- who can he tell?"

Explanations of Instructions

What it says: "Some restrictions apply"

What it means: "Somehow, some way, we'll find a way to exclude you."

What it says: "May cause drowsiness"

What it means: "Expect a sudden bout with narcolepsy while you're driving to work."

What it says: "Some assembly required"

What it means: "Take the day off and borrow your neighbor's 2,000-piece tool kit. Don't make any other plans for the day."

What it says: "Batteries not included"

What it means: "Batteries do not come with this product, and you're going to have to buy them yourself. Moreover, it uses unique batteries that you won't find anywhere but a specialty store, where you'll pay twice as much for them."

Philosophy Exam

An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one-question final exam after a semester dealing with a broad array of topics.  The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk, and wrote on the board: "Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist."  Fingers flew, erasers erased, and notebooks were filled in furious fashion. Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute the existence of the chair. One member of the class, however, was up and finished in less than a minute.  Weeks later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group wondered how he could have gotten an "A" when he had barely written anything at all. His answer consisted of two

words:  "What chair?"

Newspaper Upgrade

I was visiting with my daughter last night when I asked if she had an old newspaper. "This is the 21st century," she said. "I don't waste money on newspapers. Here, you can borrow my iPad." I can tell you this: That fly never knew what hit him.

The History Buff

A tour bus arrived at Runnymede, England. The guide asked the tourists to gather around and then said, "You are standing on the very spot where the barons forced King John to sign the Magna Carta." A man in the group asked, "When did that happen?" "1215," the guide answered. The tourist looked at his watch, "Rats!" he said, "Missed it by half an hour."

My travel plans for 2013

• I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.
• I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.
• I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work.
• I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.
• I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.
• I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.
• Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.
• One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!
• I may have been in Continent, but I don't remember what country I was in. It's an age thing. They tell me it is very wet and damp there.

Borrow the car

A teenager was always asking his father if he could borrow the family car.  Pushed to the limit, the father asked his son why he thought God had given him two feet.  Without hesitation, the son replied, "That's easy, one for the clutch and one for the accelerator."

Today’s Thought

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. But he says he can stop any time.

Friday's Funnies

Easter Sunday

One Easter Sunday morning as the pastor was preaching a children's sermon, he reached into his bag of props and pulled out an egg. He pointed at the egg and asked the children, "What's in here?"  "I know, I know!" a little boy exclaimed, "pantyhose!"

Hearing Problem

"Doctor, I think my wife is getting hard of hearing."

"I'll have my nurse make an appointment for her, but in the meantime, there's a simple, informal test you can run to give us an idea how bad the problem is. Here's what you do:  start out about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone say something and see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he's in the living room. In a normal tone he asks, "Honey, what's for supper?"

No response.

So the husband moves to the other end of the room and repeats, "Honey, what's for supper?"

Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room. "Honey, what's for supper?"

No response, so he walks up to the kitchen door. "Honey, what's for supper?"

Again there is no response, so he walks right up behind her.

"Honey, what's for supper?"

"For the fifth time, Harry, CHICKEN!"

Senior Moment

Several days ago as I left a meeting at our church, I desperately gave myself a personal TSA pat down. I was looking for my keys. They were not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing. Suddenly I realized that I must have left them in the car. Frantically I headed for the parking lot.

My wife, Diane, has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition. My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them. Her theory is that the car will be stolen. As I burst through the doors of the church, I came to a terrifying conclusion: her theory was right. The parking lot was empty. I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessing that I had left my keys in the car and that it had been stolen.

Then I made the most difficult call of all. "Honey," I stammered. I always call her "honey" in times like these. "I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen."

There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard Diane's voice. "Ken," she barked, "I dropped you off!"

Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me."  Diane retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince this policeman I have not stolen your car!"

The Visitors

Suzi, my cousin, was telling me about an evening service at the church we've both attended for years. She and her husband usually sat in the back, but this time they moved up front to be sure to hear the Scripture reading. They sat beside a long-time church member who cheerfully said, "Good to have ya with us! Where y'all from?" Taken by surprise, Suzi mumbled, "The back."

Whatever the Customer Wants

A store manager overheard a clerk saying to a customer, "No, ma'am, we haven't had any for some weeks now, and it doesn't look as if we'll be getting any soon." Alarmed by what was being said, the manager rushed over to the customer, who was walking out the door, and said, "That isn't true, ma'am. Of course, we'll have some soon. In fact, we placed an order for it a couple of weeks ago." Then the manager drew the clerk aside and growled, "Never, never, never, never say we don't have something. If we don't have it, say we ordered it and it's on its way. Now, what was it she wanted?" "Rain."

Good Answer

I was helping out with a tennis camp for little kids. At the beginning, the tennis pro running the event was talking about a good sportsmanship. He asked "Can anyone tell me what a good sport is?" This cute little 5-year-old raised his hand, got called on, and said "baseball."

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