Friday's Funnies

Husband goes Shopping

A woman says to her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6." A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk. The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?" He replied, "They had eggs."

The Golfing Preacher

There was this preacher who was an avid golfer. Every chance he could get, he could be found on the golf course swinging away. It was an obsession.

One Sunday was a picture perfect day for golfing. The sun was shining, no clouds in the sky, and the temperature was just right. The preacher was in a quandary as to what to do ... play golf or give the Sunday service. Shortly, the urge to play golf overcame him. He called an assistant, told him he was sick and asked the assistant to take care of the Sunday church service for him. He packed the car up and drove three hours to a golf course where no one would recognize him. Happily, he began to play the course.

An angel up above was watching the preacher and was quite perturbed.  He went to God and said, "Look at the preacher. He should be punished for what he is doing." God nodded in agreement.

The preacher teed up on the first hole. He swung at the ball and hit a perfect drive, straight as an arrow, four-hundred yards right to the green, where it gently rolled into the cup.  A picture perfect hole-in-one. He was amazed and excited.

The angel was a little shocked. He turned to God and said, "Begging Your pardon, but I thought you were going to punish him."

God smiled. "I did. Think about it -- who can he tell?"

Explanations of Instructions

What it says: "Some restrictions apply"

What it means: "Somehow, some way, we'll find a way to exclude you."

What it says: "May cause drowsiness"

What it means: "Expect a sudden bout with narcolepsy while you're driving to work."

What it says: "Some assembly required"

What it means: "Take the day off and borrow your neighbor's 2,000-piece tool kit. Don't make any other plans for the day."

What it says: "Batteries not included"

What it means: "Batteries do not come with this product, and you're going to have to buy them yourself. Moreover, it uses unique batteries that you won't find anywhere but a specialty store, where you'll pay twice as much for them."

Philosophy Exam

An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one-question final exam after a semester dealing with a broad array of topics.  The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk, and wrote on the board: "Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist."  Fingers flew, erasers erased, and notebooks were filled in furious fashion. Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute the existence of the chair. One member of the class, however, was up and finished in less than a minute.  Weeks later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group wondered how he could have gotten an "A" when he had barely written anything at all. His answer consisted of two

words:  "What chair?"

Newspaper Upgrade

I was visiting with my daughter last night when I asked if she had an old newspaper. "This is the 21st century," she said. "I don't waste money on newspapers. Here, you can borrow my iPad." I can tell you this: That fly never knew what hit him.

The History Buff

A tour bus arrived at Runnymede, England. The guide asked the tourists to gather around and then said, "You are standing on the very spot where the barons forced King John to sign the Magna Carta." A man in the group asked, "When did that happen?" "1215," the guide answered. The tourist looked at his watch, "Rats!" he said, "Missed it by half an hour."

My travel plans for 2013

• I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.
• I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.
• I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work.
• I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.
• I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.
• I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.
• Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.
• One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!
• I may have been in Continent, but I don't remember what country I was in. It's an age thing. They tell me it is very wet and damp there.

Borrow the car

A teenager was always asking his father if he could borrow the family car.  Pushed to the limit, the father asked his son why he thought God had given him two feet.  Without hesitation, the son replied, "That's easy, one for the clutch and one for the accelerator."

Today’s Thought

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. But he says he can stop any time.