Friday's Funnies

Metric system

Despite never having adopted the metric system for day-to-day use, Americans are familiar with the basic units, like grams, kilograms, meters and such. But when it comes to lesser known units they’re clueless. To help the educational process along a bit …

* 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope

* Ratio of an igloo’s circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi

* 2,000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton

* Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond

* Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon

* 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz

* Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower

* 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake

* 1 million-million microphones = 1 megaphone

* 2 million bicycles = 2 megacycles

* 2000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbirds

* 52 cards = 1 decacards

* 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 FigNewton

* 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche

* 10 rations = 1 decoration

* 100 rations = 1 C-ration

* 4 nickels = 1 paradigm

* 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital = 1 IV League

Translation Oops

A friend was lecturing in Latin America. He was going to use a translator, but to identify with his audience, he wanted to begin his talk by saying in Spanish, "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen." He arrived at the auditorium a little early and realized he did not know the Spanish words for ladies and gentlemen. Being rather resourceful, he went to the part of the building where the restrooms were, looked at the signs on the two doors, and memorized those two words.  When the audience arrived and he was introduced, he stood up and said in Spanish, "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen."  The audience was shocked. He didn't know whether he had offended them or perhaps they hadn't heard him or understood him. So he decided to repeat it. Again in Spanish he said, "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen."  One person in the audience began to snicker. Pretty soon the entire audience was laughing. Finally, someone told him that he had said, "Good evening, bathrooms and broom closets!"

The Third Biggest Lie

Ann Landers challenged her readers to come up with the world's third biggest lie -- right after "The check is in the mail" and "I'm from the government, and I'm here to help you." Here is a sampling from the thousands she received:

- "It's a good thing you came in today. We only have two more in stock."

- "Five pounds is nothing on a person of your height."

- "You made it yourself? I never would have guessed."

- "You don't look a day over 40."

- "Dad, I need to move out of the dorm into an apartment of my own so I can have some peace and quiet when I study."

- "It's delicious, but I can't eat another bite."

- "The new ownership won't affect you. The company will remain the same."

- "The puppy won't be any trouble, Mom. I promise I'll take care of it myself."

- "Your hair looks just fine."

- "Put away the map. I know exactly how to get there."

- "You don't need it in writing. You have my personal guarantee."

Flowers

A forgetful husband thought he had conquered his problem of trying to remember his wife's birthday and their wedding anniversary. He opened an account with a florist, and provided that florist with the dates and instructions to send flowers to his wife on these dates, along with an appropriate note signed, "Your loving husband."  His wife was thrilled by this new display of attention and all went well until one day when he came home he saw a bouquet, kissed his wife and said offhandedly, "Nice flowers, honey. Where'd you get them?"

Forgetful

The man looked a little worried when the doctor came in to administer his annual physical, so the first thing the doctor did was to ask whether anything was troubling him.   "Well, to tell the truth, Doc, yes," answered the patient. "You see, I seem to be getting forgetful. I'm never sure I can remember where I put the car, or whether I answered a letter, or where I'm going, or what it is I'm going to do once I get there - if I get there; so I really need your help. What can I do?"   The doctor mused for a moment, then answered in his kindest tones, "Pay me in advance."

Taxes Defined

A fine is a tax for doing something wrong.  A tax is a fine for doing something right.

Book

I've been reading a book all week called "Anti-Gravity"...I just can't put it down!